Trauma's Nightmare

Reluctant to face the day ahead, I grudgingly open my eyes. I hate my job, everything about it. But mostly, I hate my boss. Bosses have too much power. They dictate and disrespect like it was their right. My boss always smiles. Her tone is always polite but never genuine. Yesterday I had to sit in a chair

while this woman, a decade my junior, chastised me about something that wasn’t my fault. I tried to

explain, to speak up for myself but she didn’t care to hear it. Of course, she never considered she was

the real culprit. My productivity was up to par until her bosses decided that faster production meant

higher income…. for them. Now I needed to speed up, I needed to focus. My age and seniority

apparently means that it is my job to rally the troops. I am responsible for everyone’s flaws. I wanted to

protest, but I just sat there quietly. I’ve always had a fear of confrontation. I have never been one to

stand up for myself. Many women of color are seen as bold. Not me. I was still the shy little kid that lived

in a house of fear. Speaking in my house risked igniting the blazing inferno of my mother’s emotions. I

have been gone from her for many years, but the scared little girl still resides in me. Adult me still has to pay the bills, so I throw off my red and black-rose goose down comforter, sit up,wipe my eyes and plant my feet inside fuzzy red slippers. Out the window and the sky is gray. There is no

rain, no clouds, just… gray. I ask Alexa to play some jazz; she doesn’t respond. I look at my nightstand and she’s not there. I look around and realize I don’t have time. Time. Where is my alarm clock? I woke up on my own which is unusual, but it happened. This is odd. I turn to grab my phone on my bed. No phone. I’m frantic now. What is

happening? I can’t even find my remote to turn on the tv. I walk up to the tv to manually turn it down and it looks like the news. There is a desk, but no one is there. I can’t turn the channel without the remote! I sit on my bed for a moment. I had two glasses of red wine last night, but I was far from even a

buzz. I don’t know what’s happening, but I know I can’t be late for work, not today. I have a deadline. I

must take a shower and get to the office. The clock in the car will give me the time.

No one is outside. No cars. Not even my car. What in the hell is happening? I knock on my neighbor’s door. No answer. Another neighbor. No answer. I laugh nervously. What is happening? Did the world end while I was sleeping? Couldn’t have. Why would I be the only one left? What do I do now? I start

walking through the streets looking at the other condos for a sign of life. Silence. I’m scared. I walk a

block and then another block away until I notice this big beautiful house. I had remembered this to be an ugly abandoned house that was so small you would miss it if you weren’t paying attention. When did

they tear it down and build this? Who are they? The house is brightest yellow and the curtains are the

darkest black. I hear the lovely sound of jazz. I’m anxious to find a sign of life. I walk up and knocked on the bright

yellow door. It opens. A tall black man with a familiar face lets me in. He is handsome, but his smile is

more morbid than friendly.

“Well hello, you made it. We’ve been waiting for you.”

I want to ask who he is but the coward in me is afraid to speak. He motions for me to follow. We walk

up a long straight staircase that seemed to take forever. At the top of the stairs is an even longer hallway. He tells me there are 4 doors each numbered. I must start at 4 and work your way down to 1. I turn to ask, Why am I here? But he vanishes in an instant. My first impulse is to run back down the stairs. I don’t know who or what is behind those doors. Fear begins to paralyze me. Am I about to be

kidnapped, raped, maybe both? I finally turn to head down the stairs. But now there was a door. Where did that come from? I am stuck in this hallway. I yell for someone to help. No one answers.

I turn to the first door. The knob burns the palm of my hand. As I jump back door 4 slowly opens. I hesitantly walk in. There is an arm- long black sleeves and a black glove. A deep voice begins, “Ah, so you are ready.” The chair turns around in a rather dramatic fashion. I couldn’t believe it. The devil? Those

eyes blaze actual fire. On his head sits a black skull cap with a New York Giants symbol. Holes in his

pathetic crown reveal two huge horns. I faint. I don’t know for how long but when I come to, he is smiling with two missing top front teeth. Why does it feel like I know this man?

“OK now that you’re over being dramatic. Let’s get started. You think you know me, right?” He lights a

cigar. “That’s because you do know me. You’ve known me your whole life. In fact, we used to be very close. We played games that you pretended not to like but I know you did.”

The smell, his game, it hits me! My mother’s brother. My uncle. My sick, twisted uncle. The man who

called what he did to me games. The man who told me we had to keep our games a secret or my mean

mother would punish me. He was the family’s dirty secret. He violated not just me, but my cousins, the

girls and boys. One of my cousins finally told the secret and the other kids that got hurt backed her up,

but not me. I lied and said no, too afraid of my mother. I was 14 by the time it came out, but I didn’t

want to deal with it. I thought I was the one who would get in trouble. I thought that it was all somehow

my fault. So, I lied and locked it away. Against 3 kids telling the truth, the 1 kid who lied was believed

because the family simply didn’t want to deal with it. I carry that guilt, still sticking to the same lie to this

day.

The devil laughs, “Ah now you see me. I’m here to thank you for holding me down all these years. You

had my back. The doubt you cast insured my family still loved me. It also taught me to be more careful. I

had some fun times before I was killed. I have you to thank for that.” The puffs from his cigar mixes with the tears rolling down my face. I am blinded. I want to throw up, but nothing would come out. I sit on the dark floor weeping uncontrollably. My tears are stained with blood. I scream to drown out my uncle’s laughter. He disappears, the room becomes all white. The door slowly opens.I run back out into the hallway, praying the door was gone that blocked the stairs. No luck. Door 3 opens. I know this is my only way out of this hell. This room is a deep blue.

There 3 blue recliners, 3 bodies, 3 men. They turn around. These men I know well. 2 had been boyfriends and one had been a married lover. The 1 st one was my high school sweetheart. I thought we were in love until he slept with my best friend. He was still as handsome as ever. I hadn’t seen him in 15 years, but he still looked like he was in high school, still wearing his old football jersey.

“Hey Princess, he said, “I’ve missed you. You were a good girlfriend, but you were so weak. You had no

fire. You let everybody push you around. My buddy told me what he did to you. You acted like it didn’t

happen. I waited for you to tell me, but you never did. I lost all respect for you. He said you acted like you didn’t want it, but he knows you did. After you didn’t say anything, I believed he was right. I Lost all respect for you. Cheated with your best friend. You even let that go. You’re just sad.” He turned away from me.

The next man, not as handsome as my high school sweetheart, but I was with him for much longer,

looked me up and down shaking his head. “I told you to have an abortion. I knew how much you loved

and wanted children. If you had stood up for yourself, you would have a baby to love. Instead, you had 2 abortions back-to-back. The second one messed you up and now you can’t have any babies. I cheated, Lied, you stayed. Cried like a baby though.” He laughed and turned his chair away from me.

My married lover’s face wasn’t totally clear, but I knew it was him. He sensed what I was thinking. “You

know why my face is fuzzy? Because I shouldn’t have had any power over you. I wasn’t that important. I didn’t intend to be forever. I said sit, you sat. I said wait, you waited. My wife called you and ripped you apart. You said how sorry you were, that it wouldn’t happen again. She tried to get you fired from your job. You cried and did nothing. You kept on seeing me. I did nothing for you. If you asked, I would say no.

You didn’t want me staying with you when my wife and I had issues. But you opened the door anyway. I would be out with other women, and you said nothing. One night I was drunk and took your car keys.

You quietly said I shouldn’t be driving your car. I slapped you to the floor and drove off. I came back at

4am smelling like perfume and you still let me touch you.” He turned away. Again, I am on the floor crying. Simultaneously they all said “Get your weak ass out of our sight.” The room didn’t change colors, but the door opened, and I couldn’t wait to get out.

Door 2 is now open. The room has clown wallpaper and is full of people I don’t know. They all have bags

over their heads. Then someone steps forward, a clown, red nose, big hands and shoes. But he wore a frown, not a smile. He says, "These are your unnecessary enemies. All those you have feared. Of course,

the rooms are not big enough for them all. Such a scared little girl. Look at these people. They laugh at

you because they know they can take advantage of your soiled nature.” Suddenly all is smoke and dark.

When the light came back on it was a dim red and the clowns had become monsters. All different but

equally scary. The door slams. They are coming at me. What do I do? I hear this voice that had to be

mine, but I didn’t recognize it. BACK THE HELL UP!!!!!!! All stood back but one. He was some mix between a werewolf and troll. His eyes were all black. He had claws the length of my arm. He got so close he was in my breath. He whispers in my ear, it wasn't clear. Something inside me shoves him back into the crowd. The room suddenly catches fire and the ghouls begin to burn one by one as I stand there watching,feeling something in me I had never felt before.

Again, the door opens. The final door had turned gold, there was a bright light from within. I walked in.

Sitting there facing me is a woman in all black with a veil. She was fully covered but I know exactly who

she is. Come on in honey she said in her cold uncaring manner. There is a smaller chair next to the

flowered recliner. There is a bible on her lap. She lifts her veil, it was her alright, but younger, when she

as at her meanest. But her hair is gray all over. I feel small and scared, again. But something new in

me tells me not to look down. Look in her eyes. She closes her bible.

“I was reading scripture while I waited. I know you never was big on God.”

“I was never big on church.” I say softly.

She laughs , “same thing.” She continues, “It has come to my attention that I’m being held responsible

for your cowardly ways, for the fact that you can’t stand up for yourself. That you were so afraid of me

as a child that you let people walk all over you. Now that’s ridiculous. You are using me to excuse weakness. If you were so afraid of me, you would have been the perfect child. Never lied, never broke the rules, made the best grades. But were you? No. You got terrible grades, skipped school, ran away. I was right you would amount to nothing, just like your father. You were born to fail, to cower, to run. You

were a weak tiny undeveloped baby. You walked slow, talked slow, weren’t potty trained til almost 3.

Your dear sister on the other hand I knew she would be a star-”

Boldly, I cut her off, “That’s because she had a mother’s love.”

She laughs wickedly, “No, it’s because She was born to be a star. You know you’re a nobody. You don’t

fight for you because you know you’re not worthy. Not better than anyone. I’m only here to prove the

powers that be that I’m not at fault. So, the sooner you do what you’re best at, which is to bow down or

run away, the quicker we can get out of here.”

She stood up with a belt in one hand switch in the other. She took the veil and hat it was attached to off

her head. Her hair no longer gray, became fiery red. Her black funeral attire is now an old familiar

outfit.. The room turned into my old bedroom. I am literally becoming a little girl again. She says “You

have been a bad girl as usual. Making people think I was your trauma, that I instilled that fear in you.

Now I can’t have that. So, admit it, out loud. Take full responsibility or you can drop those shorts and beat the truth out of you.” I am paralyzed with fear. I tug at my shorts as the sound of my heartbeat fills the room. DO IT, she yells. The words try to come out, but they wouldn’t. I thought about everything I had gone through. It wasn’t for me to end up here. I had been beaten with unkind truth by the past men in my life, I had the burden of knowing that my being a coward allowed a man to violate children til the day he died. I had stood up to monsters, real monsters. But mother was the biggest, baddest, scariest monster of all. She was my freedom. That’s how I got out of this place. So,

I let go of my shorts, looked into her eyes and said

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! You have been my cross to bear. My mother who’s supposed to love and protect me. Instead, you treated me like I was your burden, your enemy. My dad hurt you and you have spent my entire life making me pay for it. Her wicked grin was gone.” She tried to lift the belt, then the switch. She was frozen. I was morphing as I spoke. No longer a little girl, “I forgive you mother. But I no

longer fear you. YOU HAVE NO POWER NOW. You were a broken young lady, now you’re just an angry, sad lady. You feel guilty about how you have treated me. But instead of changing, you punish me for your crime.”

As I grew into my adult self, she became older. I felt strong and alive like I had breathed fresh air for the

1 st time in my life. She put her face in her hands and slowly disappeared. I heard a clock ticking and

looked at the wall, it said 1:15. I started to glow. Then again, I fainted.When I woke up, I was home, in my bed, my alarm clock was buzzing. The sun shined through my curtains. My phone lay right next to me. A nightmare?

But how could I feel so alive, so powerful after a nightmare. I picked up my phone. I had about 10

missed calls, all from my little sister. One message simply read “911.” I called her and she sounded

broken. She told me the news. Mom had a heart attack around 1:15am and died in her sleep. I sat there in disbelief. The same time as the wall clock. What the hell?But I knew the dream, nightmare or whatever you want to call it was a purposeful mission. I comforted my sister not knowing what I felt. I hung up the phone. Life after that was an entirely new experience. I became the master of my own Domain. 2 years later I became the bosses boss. 5 years after that I was Everybody’s boss. Still loving and kind but in charge, taking no prisoners. A nightmare had turned into me into a Beautiful Dream.