Suicide

 I was taking bath and as it was after a few days of complete tiredness or you can say a weird situation, so feeling very light and relaxing. But suddenly, a face came in front of me. His eyes were like someone had tried to pull them out. His face was swollen and as my breath stuck, I saw he had no body and blood was dropping from his neck leaving red spots on the floor. He said, “It’s not the end. It’s a beginning, beginning of the worst time.” I started shouting and soon I was taken out.

I was sitting still without blinking my eyes and shivering with fear. After some time, it got normal. After all, it often happens to an insane one.

I was not like this before. I was a psychiatrist, a psychiatrist who was great in understanding people and their thoughts as well as their feelings.

I haven’t seen that face once. I have been seeing him for a year. He comes in my dreams, talks to me and is always with me.

The story began when I was as busy as often and the door knocked. I asked him to come in. He sat down and I said hello but he only lifted his face upwards which was only noticing the flooring.

I said, “what’s the matter?” “That’s what you have to figure out! Can’t you? Then I must leave.” He said sternly and began to move towards the door. I stopped him saying, “Not a big deal, we will figure it out! Be seated you gentleman.” “Don’t say this. This world is full of flattery people and you are the resident of the same world. Aren’t you?” I said, “Yes, I am.” He continued without letting me say any other thing, “I hate false praise and excessive talks.”

“Okay! But to understand you first, I need to know your name” trying to make the atmosphere friendly and coming to the main point which I had to discover on my own. He said, “My name is Peter.”

After three to four sessions, I understood that he hated people. After sometime, he started enjoying my company and shared with me everything. He was quite a different man who wanted true love and affection which is indeed a difficult task. Soon after this, I used to give Peter sessions that although world is diplomatic, we should not be like them. Every picture has two point of views and we should see the positive aspect of circumstances.

He was doing Okay but the weird thing was that after sometime, he would stand up saying, “I will kill everyone” and he became furious as well as out of control. I don’t know what would happen to him but he just got over raged.

One night as I was packing up my stuff to go home, he rushed and was trembling. I could guess someone had beaten him or maybe he had beaten himself. He was throwing everything here and there. “What has happened?” I shouted. “I want to kill someone and I will.” I could see anger in his eyes which have turned red like blood would come out of them.

I tried to cool him down but he was just mad. “I want to kill someone.” He paused and said, “If no one else then you’ll be the one.” I said, “P-e-e-t-e-r-r, What are you saying!” But he just came towards me holding a bottle in his hand picked up from my desk. Well in that case, I was cursing why I had had that bottle. I shouted loudly, “Peter, I am your friend” to get him out of his craze. He felt a jerk but said, “I know but I can’t resist myself.” And as he was about to burst up my head, I shouted, “If you want to kill someone then kill yourself, at least bless others’ lives. They want to live indeed.” thinking to be my last words.

My eyes were closed and were opened by the sound of the bottle thrown. I saw him running towards his car and I understood what he was going to do. I followed him and I was pretty sure that he was heading towards his home. The rope was already tied to the fan before he arrived. Maybe he was planning to do it for so long.

I reached when he was tightening the rope around his neck. I shouted a lot and tried to stop him but he didn’t. His last words were, “It’s an end now. I’m free. No one can betray me not even this silly life which passes in making life a life.” I saw his feet in search of a land as is a fish in search of water. He was not shouting maybe he was trying to betray death that he was not feared at all.

This all ended in few minutes but I am suffering it for so long. I became insane after that. He now comes daily to meet me, talks to me but no one believes me. He now comes but only says, “It’s not the end, it’s the beginning, beginning of the worst time. My soul has not got rest yet and I am in great pain.”

He is right suicide is not the solution. If you can’t attain the thing for which you have struggled a lot, doesn’t mean that you deserve nothing. If you haven’t found the true love and affection then give someone as much as love that they start believing that world is not that bad. Life is a name of opportunities and loses, achievements as well as failures. If you have failed in any exam, it means that you are alive and life doesn’t mean to survive, it means to live and feel the essence of every circumstance.

If someone suicides, it doesn’t mean that he is so brave because it needs a big heart to do this. Despite he is a coward, coward enough to not face the circumstances, coward enough to let time rule over him and coward enough to end up his life on his own which cannot come again at any cost.

Now, I am the victim of all that happened to him. People think that psychiatrists are very strong. They are indeed. But when a patient loses the battle of his thoughts and life, it is their biggest failure. I’m working hard to come out of it and soon I’ll be. But I still question myself, “Was there any mistake of mine that I had to suffer this way?"