Finding My Center

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire with colors of orange, red and gold. The beauty stopped me in my tracks. Where had I been this last month while this transformation was taking place? Autumn was my favorite time of year, yet I was missing out. I had taken no long walks along the C & O canal to take in these beautiful changes. Normally I planned for such things. I hadn’t even bought my first pumpkin spice or apple cinnamon teas or any of the other varieties of snacks that now touted those flavors.

           I’ve been so wrapped up in my worries over Jake, that I haven’t given myself or what I want much thought. I could feel Jake drifting away and I’ve been so desperate to keep him happy that I’ve neglected my life. When would I ever learn? I was repeating the same old mistakes by putting my boyfriend first before myself. Where was the confident girl I used to be, or had she only been a figment of my imagination? I needed to get centered and I knew just how to start.

          I emailed my boss and told her I was taking a mental health day, and just like that I was free for the day. I took in a deep breath and smelled the crisp fall air. I decided to walk to my favorite coffee shop. The sound of the leaves crunching under my feet put a smile on my face, and I had a pep in my step I hadn't had for a while.

         Why do we do such desperate things to hold onto a man? I decided I didn't like that insecure part of myself. Did I really want to be with someone who didn't reciprocate my feelings?

          I swung the door open into the shop, narrowly missing a cute businessman on his way out. "Oh sorry," I startled.

          "No problem," he said, holding his coffee safely away. "Here. For you," he grinned, handing me a gift card.

         "Thank you," I told him, as he gave me a wink and trotted off.

           The day was starting off great, I thought to myself.

          "Hey, Bree! Long time no see," said Heather, from behind the counter. "Who was that you almost trampled?" She laughed.

         "I don't know," I smiled. "But he gave me this," I said, holding out the gift card.

         "Must be your lucky day."

         "Can I have a pumpkin spice latte and a pumpkin scone?" I ordered, feeling ridiculously pleased by that nice businessman.

          "How's Jake? Usually you two come in together," Heather asked, and immediately my happy mood went down a notch.

          "He's fine. At work already," I told her, hoping the subject would be dropped. I didn't want to think about him right now. Today was going to be about me.

           "Looks like you still have some money left," Heather said, handing me back the gift card.

          I raised my brows in surprise, touched by the gesture, and handed it to the woman behind me in line. "It's good luck," I told her, and her face lit up in a smile.

         The tree-lined street downtown was breezy, but the sun warmed my face. I admired the colorful bouquet of leaves as I walked. I hadn't gone far when I spotted a darling fall sweater in the window of a shop.

         "Why not?" I asked myself, and went in.  It was just the kind of cozy boutique I loved. I was browsing some unique necklaces when my phone chirped.

        I hoped it wasn't work and was pleasantly surprised to find it was from Jake.

         "I haven't heard from you this morning," he texted. "Hope everything is okay?"

         Wow, I thought. Give him a little space and he comes around. Lately I've been filling the void but not anymore. With a smile I dropped my phone back in my purse. He can wait a little longer.

           "I'll take this," I told the salesclerk, handing over the textured brown and cream sweater I saw in the window.

            I decided to walk through the park. It was just a day to be outdoors. Kids were playing on the playground while moms chatted on the benches. I found the trail that would come out near my house and stepped into the woods. Through the trees, the sun glistened off the pond like shimmering lights. I found an empty bench and took in the view. Being in nature always made me feel calm and relaxed. I needed to do this more. Maybe I could talk Jake into a picnic, I wondered before I remembered I wasn't thinking about him today. I should probably text him back, I thought to myself, rereading his short text.

          "Naw," I said, putting the phone away. He will be just fine. I've been at his beck and call for too long.

         I leaned back on the bench and watched the trees move against the blue sky. There was a little nip in the air, so I scooted over to a patch of sun. The view down to the pond was so beautiful I couldn't resist taking some pictures, wishing I had my good camera with me. I hadn't picked up my camera all summer. Jake and I were always doing the things he loved to do.

         I took a slew of pictures before I found a few I might print. It felt good and familiar to be doing this. I was stepping into myself again and it felt like coming home. I'd been neglecting an important part of myself to compromise for Jake's desires.

         I strolled home enjoying every chipmunk that scattered across my path and a Pilleated Woodpecker tapping on a tree.

         It was lunch time by the time I reached my little house. I didn't want to go in. I didn't want to waste a minute of my day indoors. So, I got in my car and drove to my favorite cafe instead. Jake wasn't a fan of their food, so I hadn't been there recently.

         I found a sunny spot and enjoyed my favorite soup and salad all by myself, and it felt great to do something on my own for a change.

        I spotted the cutest brown and white dog sniffing for scraps from his owner's table.

        "Hello there," I said, when he wandered over my way. "You are so sweet," I told him as he licked my hand.

        "I just adopted him," the owner told her. "We're heading to the pet shop next."

         "Oh, you're adorable," I gushed over the dog, not the guy, although he was cute too. "I've been wanting one, but my boyfriend thinks they're too much work," I admitted to this stranger.

         "Totally worth it," he said, bending down to pet his dog. "I love being outdoors and so does Harley."

         "Me too," I agreed. How much more was I going to give up for Jake? He didn't even live with me, so he wouldn't have to deal with the dog.

         "Have a great day," he said, before they took off.

         Suddenly I had an idea, as I headed back to my car. What better way to spend the afternoon then playing with the animals at the shelter? It would be so nice to have someone to come home too. Most of the time my roommate was out when I was home, so it got lonely. Just maybe I would even adopt one.

         It felt good to find my center again, as all thoughts of Jake fled my mind.