**TRIGGER WARNING** Suicide/Poor mental health inferences and topics discussed.

Whenever "paradise" comes up, most people think of a place. Some serene, tranquil, calm scene where you can escape all of your worries and find peace. What if it's not a place though? What if it's a state of mind? Or what if it's an object? Maybe even a person. To find true paradise, you have to find the source of your own serenity. But what happens to a person, when they spend their lives searching for paradise, only to realize all too late that it had been next to them the whole time?

Hello, I’ll be your narrator for this story you can just call me P. I don't think Ana would mind me putting such personal things on display for everyone to see, because it’s a source of inspiration many people could use. For the most part, you’ll forget that I’m here, but I’ll pop back in every now and then to check on you, ‘kay? ‘Kay. 

October 13, 2021

Nothing was ever going to be the same for Ana after this day. She knew it, her mom knew it, hell, Perri would have known it too, if she were here. But no, she had to take off randomly and not tell anyone where she was going. Now Ana had to suffer the loss alone. She stared at the casket, wondering if they were watching, were they in heaven? Or maybe hell? For some reason, Ana couldn’t remember who was in the casket. She knew she loved this person, but it was a closed casket. It was like her brain wouldn’t allow her to picture their face.  “Where is Perri? I really need her right now.” Ana thought to herself, then half scoffed and half chuckled as she watched them slowly lower the casket into the dirt. There was no point in losing herself in this cyclical thought process. Ana knew Perri would reach out to her soon. 

Ana suddenly remembered a part of the phone call she’d had about the person in the casket, “I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard to believe, but she passed away last night.” The voice on the other end of the line came through, the tears were audible in their voice. Ana refused to believe it, so she had to call Perri to confirm. 

Ana quickly snapped back to reality at the thought of Perri as she looked at her phone, still waiting for a response. The fact that Ana hadn’t heard from her in a week was only slightly concerning. Perri was the type to disappear for a while when something big happened, so the fact that she had been radio silent since this tragedy made sense. A lot of people were whispering about Perri, probably calling her fake since she hadn’t shown up. Ana didn’t know for sure because she just heard them whispering ‘Perri…’. She never could make out more than that because she didn’t want to hear them badmouthing her best friend and didn’t have the energy to call them out. 

“Ana, come on my love. It’s time to go home.” Franny, Ana’s mom, was standing behind her daughter. She spoke softly, knowing her daughter’s mental state was fragile right now. Ana couldn’t handle this kind of loss twice, not right now. So, Franny decided to let her daughter get through this in her own time. In her own way. 

“Mama,” Ana looked at her mom, even though Franny could see the tears in her daughter's eyes, she could clearly see the determination to not let whatever thoughts were haunting her take over. 

“Yes, my baby?” Ana loved how soft and sweet her mom’s voice was when she was comforting others. It was always soft, but it had a honeyed lilt and a ring to it— a soft ring other mothers were capable of— when she was concerned for someone. Looking at her mom was like looking at a future version of herself, the dark shoulder-length curly hair that framed a heart-shaped face. Straight pearly whites that dazzled in the happiest moments, and became a beacon in the saddest. Her brown eyes were slightly different though, they were a light brown just like Ana’s. But they had an orange tint to them, so when the light hit just right they looked like molten lava. Other than the eyes, the only differences were a few laugh lines around Franny’s eyes and mouth that made her look wise and refined. Full of life, her mother was. Ana hoped she’d still be that beautiful when she was her mothers age. Franny was a few inches taller than Ana as well, so Ana had to look up a bit as she spoke.

“Do you think Perri… will ever come back?” Ana whispered, she choked on her words as she thought about the truth the question might hold.  

“You were very young when your father died, so I doubt that you remember much, but… do you remember how much we needed each other at that time?” Franny held her daughter’s hands in her own, as she looked into her eyes. Franny could tell Ana was in her thoughts because it took a while for her to register what her mother had just asked her. Franny could tell the second her words hit, Ana’s eyes widened and the tears cleared immediately. 

“Of courseI do, that was something I never wanted to experience again, but here we are!” Ana yelled, forgetting the solemn mood and setting she was in as her hold on her emotions began to give out. She blushed and hung her head after hearing a few throats cleared. She felt her mom’s arms come around her and inhaled deeply, and held it. Willing the newly formed tears not to fall, she exhaled and looked up at her mom. 

“After Erdna— after your father passed away, I slowly became withdrawn from everyone. But especially you, I still loved you with everything I had, but I was pained that you didn’t take after your father more. I left you to your own devices for a while after that. And one day, you came and apologized to me because you thought I was mad at you, and I realized how much I was hurting you by distancing myself from you. But I needed that distance to realize just how important we were to each other… How much we needed each other.” Franny paused, choked up by her own memories and foolish actions, “She doesn’t hate you my love, she just needs a little time to process the loss and grief she’s experiencing right now.” Ana sat in the silence, letting her mom’s words soak in. She looked into her mother’s eyes, then up to the sky, before finally pulling out her phone to check if Perri had responded yet. She hadn’t. 

“I guess I’ll just have to wait.” Ana thought to herself, “But even though I have my mom, Perri doesn’t really have anyone, I hope she calls me soon, so I can be there for her at the very least.” Ana sighed deeply. 

“Come on my baby, today has been rough for you. You lost someone precious to you, and you haven’t heard from your best friend yet. Let’s get you home and get you some rest.” Franny leaned down, wrapped her daughter in a hug, and pressed her lips firmly against Ana’s forehead. 

“Okay mama, let’s go.” Ana mumbled. On the way home, thinking about every call she’d made, every text she sent to her best friend, and every response she never got, the tears finally came as the reassurance her mom had given her began to sink in. She let herself grieve, let herself feel, and finally allowed herself to be vulnerable. Completely and unapologetically. 

Hi my lovely readers. It’s P here. I wanted to say, loss is something we all experience at least once in our lives. Be it a pet, a friend, family, a dream, and sometimes even ourselves. Some of the things we lose, we understand that we’ll never find again. But paradise? There is a surefire way to ensure you never lose your paradise. Hopefully Ana’s story will help you figure out what that is. If you still don’t understand after you hear it, I’ll be around at the end to answer whatever questions you have. Until then, buckle up, you’re in for a wild ride. 

Ana didn’t remember falling asleep. She just remembered crying on the way home, her mom helping her into the house, and running a bath for her. Everything after that was completely forgotten. As she stretched, she realized there was someone at the edge of her bed. “Perri?!” She yelped and wiggled her way over to her best friend. “You’re finally here. Do you know how hard it’s been for me after losing both of you guys?! I thought I’d never talk to you again.” Ana paused, then a thought so devastating crossed her mind and she froze, “You don’t hate me, right?” Ana asked, but couldn’t bring herself to look her best friend in the eye. 

“Of course I don’t. How could I? Everything I needed to keep me going, is all right here. You had it.” Perri reached out and wrapped her long arms around Ana’s shaking shoulders. Perri knew this was going to be their last conversation, she wanted to be here for Ana, with her. But she couldn’t, not anymore. Funny how life worked, until it didn’t anymore.

“Where have you been Perri? I’ve been waiting for your response, for your calls, for you to show up. For a week now. Why are you just now showing up?” Ana was clinging to Perri like she was the last lifeline. Like Ana was Rose, and Perri the door that kept her afloat. 

“Ana. Look at me.” Perri commanded, though her voice brooked no argument, Ana could not bring herself to look at her best friend, whom she had missed so much. 

“Why? I can hear you just fine.” Ana threw out defiantly, “You can tell me where you’ve been without me having to look at you—” 

Perri cut her off, “No. We don’t have much time. Look at me,” Perri was pleading at this point. The desperation almost sucked Ana in, but she knew when she looked at Perri again, something told her that she’d have to face a truth she couldn’t handle. A truth she wasn’t ready to come to terms with.

“Can’t we just stay like this for a little longer?” Ana begged, her arms wrapped around Perri’s midsection, her head resting in Perri’s lap. “It’s been over a week since we last talked, and even longer since we’ve actually seen each other. I know I’m acting like a petulant, disgruntled ex, but you’re my person. My Thelma. My Christina, my Nessie. The Max to my Caroline and the Cece to my Jess. Just give me a few minutes. Please.” Ana hadn’t realized, but she was crying. She was hurting. She didn’t understand. Perri, whom she hadn’t been able to get in touch with all week was finally sitting in front of her, and she was acting like they would never see each other again. 

Perri peeled Ana’s arms from around her. “Na. Please, look at me. You said you can’t lose ‘both’ of us. But who did you really lose? You can’t keep holding onto me like this, you have to let me go.” 

Ana slowly opened her eyes, at first, she just saw her best friend. Her beautiful, kind, amazing best friend. Whose long braids faded from black to red as they hung down to the middle of her back. Her dark brown velvet eyes, boring into Ana’s with an intense sympathy that only Perri was capable of portraying. Her beautiful melanated skin, a stark contrast to Ana’s peanut butter colored skin. She was so kind, so beautiful. She was too good for this world, for Ana. Maybe that’s why she had left Ana. Perri said she didn’t, but Ana knew now. She knew that Perri hated her, that’s why she died and left Ana alone in this world to fend for herself. 

“Is this what you wanted?” Ana spat, all the memories of the last week slamming into her head. The phone call from Perri’s cousin, the mental breakdown the day after. But most importantly, her best friend lying in a hospital bed, with no lingering signs of life. Her best friend of over a decade was gone, forever. “You wanted to torture me with the memory that you were gone. You couldn’t even let me waste away in a world where you were just missing? In a world where I went crazy and just believed that you weren’t dead, but missing? Why? WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!” Ana screamed and pulled at her hair, she cried until her throat was raw, until her eyes were swollen, until she had no tears left to cry. And Perri held her through it all. 

“Ana. I’m already here, waiting for you at the end of the tunnel. I wanted to finish this race with you. But I’m staring at a different Paradise now. I’m not leaving you behind, I’m just gonna go ahead and wait for you to catch up. But don’t try to get here too fast, okay? I gotta have nieces and nephews to watch too, right?” Tears were streaming down Perri’s face as she looked into the rippling brown pools Ana was staring back at her from. Then, for the first time, Ana smiled. 

“You’re unfair, you just gonna leave before giving me nieces and nephews, but demanding it from me? You’re just afraid to give birth.” Ana joked. She knew that in her last moments with Perri, she wanted to be smiling. She wanted to send her best friend, her wifey, off with a smile instead of tears. So as her friend faded into nothing, Ana just smiled as she said “I’ll love you forever, and miss you for always.” As she spoke these last words, she woke up, and thought to herself, “Please wait for me.” 

When Ana woke up, her mother was sitting next to her bed, holding her hand, and stroking her head. She woke up crying, and continued to cry for months to come. In this moment of clarity, Ana could understand that no one was at fault, and it was just her friend's time, but the grief process was not one of consistency. The only consistent thing about grief was that it was unpredictable, at least in Ana’s experience. Sometimes, she wanted to die. Sometimes, she wished it was her instead. And sometimes, she hated that her best friend had left her behind. One thing that never changed, was that Ana always missed Perri. 

Well, there ya have it my little bookworms. As her best friend, and person who knows… knew, her best in the world, I have full confidence she’s gonna take the world by storm. Even though I’m not gonna be right next to her on this journey, I’ll be cheering her on every step of the way.

Two Years Later…

“I hated myself for a long time. I was so mad at her, and it wasn’t even her fault. Some nights I would cry, beg, and plead that she come back to visit me. Even if just for a second, or just in a dream. But she hasn’t. Not yet anyways. And sometimes I wished I could just follow her, but I knew I couldn’t do that to her, to everyone who loves me. Everyone was worried about me, they thought I had given up on myself, and I mean… they weren’t really wrong. She was my peace. My calm in the storm, the right when everything else was wrong. She was my paradise. But, I’ve come to realize, you don’t have to have just one paradise. Paradise could be many things, and as long as I am a safe haven for myself, paradise will be with me wherever I go. Perri was my rock, my refuge, and my support system. In order to keep her memory close, I had to adopt the things that made her, her. That’s how I became my own ‘Perri Dice’” Ana finished, there was a long pause, before everyone started clapping and cheering. 

She had started streaming a couple months back, and as tribute to Perri and their friendship, her screen name was ‘Perri Dice”. She would talk about her loss, and expand upon her pain, hoping to reach people who might not have been able to understand what they were feeling. Today, she was having a small meet and greet. Apparently, she was not only relatable, but funny too. Who’d have known, right? 

Right, so you big crybabies, or maybe I’m the only one snotting on themselves right now? Anyways, Ana may have felt like she didn’t hold it together, but I’ve been watching her. No matter how much she hurt, or how much she wanted to give up, she never actually did. That says a lot. So to those of you who, regardless of how much you wanted to give up, have still continued on, just know that Ana and I, from the bottoms of our hearts, understand your struggle, and thank you for being here. This is Perri, signing off for the final time, letting you know that just because you lose sight of one paradise, doesn’t mean another one isn’t right around the corner. 

If you or someone you know suffers from suicidal thoughts, please reach out, call or text 988 right away. Please, don’t give up on yourself. Give yourself a chance to be your own paradise.