Anxious Attachment and Me

He didn’t reach out again. He does this, you know? Disappears. And expects me to sit and wait for him to decide I’m worth speaking to again. It hurts me and I still haven’t figured out how to stop letting him back in. Is it love? Maybe, obsession. Maybe that’s how I must look at it so that I can let go. So that I can stop stifling my sobs in between work breaks and crying myself to sleep.

I can’t breathe… I think as I clutch my chest and feel the pain start to close in and tighten there. Why am I so unwanted? Is it because I’m so easily replaced? So easily forgotten? Do I give off some kind of scent or vibe that tells people to use and leave me?

“Switch your thoughts from negative to positive.”, my therapist suggests.

Negative to Positive? So, he left because he didn’t see value in me, but I should be grateful because now I’m no longer wasting my time dealing with someone who didn’t want me anyway.

 This is as positive as I can be right now when the world is beginning to spin. I can’t stop the heaving that is building in my chest. The thoughts are my demons swirling around me. The dark creature who breathes down my neck is a nameless faceless illusion who lives inside my head.

“Stop. Why are you thinking like this? You’re hurting me. Can’t I just find my spark of joy? Where has it gone?” I say aloud to myself in the dark room that surrounds me. The pain in my chest is growing like a monster on steroids. I can no longer hold back my tears, sobs fill the empty room around me until I eventually fall asleep.

“Bam!”

A noise pulls me out of my dreamless sleep. I wipe my face with my hand and groan.

No, no, no… I was finally asleep. Now I won’t be able to shut it off.

The cold chill comes in like a smooth fog into my room and I feel its presence again.

You amount to nothing. Check your phone. No messages. No calls. He doesn’t love you. Hell, he’s with someone else holding them telling them how much he loves them. You are so stupid for believing him. You are so ugly. Gross. He was just bored, and you were easy. Easy to manipulate. Easy to use. You just give and give, and he is so willing to just take and take because why not? You are so willing to be in his presence even when he makes it clear he doesn’t want you. Aren’t you embarrassed? Do you not feel the shame? He hates you. He thinks you are disgusting. You don’t deserve better. You deserve exactly what he is willing to give you. NOTHING.

“Please, please, turn off. Turn off. Turn off.” I cry to myself as I rock back and forth, the tears burning my face and my sobs refusing to be contained.

“Please…” I beg as I try and try to pull the thoughts away and change them into positive ones.

But they roll in like a storm and I cry and cry and try to talk myself out of it.

“You are worth so much more than what anyone else can offer you. It is not your fault that others don’t recognize your worth. You do not get to determine what anyone else does. You do not get to decide how others treat you, but you do get to decide what you are willing to put up with." The sound of my voice doesn't slow the tears but the fist holding my chest starts to loosen. "You have a right to stand up for yourself and hold on to your boundaries. You do not like lack of communication you have addressed this and yet he still pushes and pushes the limits of your boundaries, and you allow it. Stop allowing it. Stop letting everyone walk all over you. Love yourself." I smile to myself as the pain starts to let up just another inch. "You have so much love that you externalize that it’s time to start internalizing it. You deserve to be told you’re loved and wanted. So instead of telling him, tell yourself. Text yourself notes and reminders of how valued you are. Remind yourself that you are able to choose to love you." My voice sounds a note higher and I attempt to sound happy if only to fool myself. "Take time to touch the grass and to feel your emotions. It is ok to be sad because something you wanted and waited for didn’t work out." My voice is sterner now. "It’s not ok to live in that sadness. You can’t stay there. You can’t keep crying yourself to sleep or to the point that you feel sick. You must take care of yourself because you have to love yourself, you don’t have a choice. You have to live with you for the rest of your life.”

It doesn’t have to be that long… The thought slides over me and I quickly push it away.

“No, your life must be full of love and light. You want to travel? Why do you need to take someone with you? Go. Travel. Take a train to see your family, take a bus to another city, take a plane to an island or a country you’ve always wanted to visit. If you’re going to cry for a boy, then do it on a beach with a margarita and the sun pouring down all over your skin. Do it while still living your life! Do it while walking in the redwood forest with the sounds of singing birds surrounding you. Do it while the rains from Portland fall down on you! But don’t allow your sadness to stop you from experiencing life. Don’t allow your need to be wanted by others to stop you from wanting and needing your own self. You are radiant. You are the greatest friend, you love without conditions, you understand and contemplate before making rash decisions. You listen! When everyone else has left and walked away you stayed. You gave and you gave and yes it wasn’t enough because you can’t force someone to love you just because you love them. But that’s ok. You don’t want forced love anyways.” My words began to calm the fire in my chest and then the pain started to edge away.

“You want someone who loves you, well why don’t you love you instead?" I asked myself. "That is the one person you can always depend on to stay, who will hold you when your heart breaks, who will dance with you to your favorite songs, who will sing so loud it annoys everyone around. So, cherish her. Love her. Take her out. Show her off. Tell her how wanted and needed she is. Because it’s all she’s ever wanted to hear. Snuff out the demons in your head and keep going. The sun will rise again.”

I laid my head down finally ready to allow the night to calmly let me drift off to sleep.

“Beep, Beep, Beep!”

Ugh…time to get up and start another day.

No texts, No calls, Battery at 100%.