'So What's the Catch?'

“So what’s the catch?” asked Erica. “If he’s so dreamy, and clearly seems to feel the same way about you, ask him out Liv.”

“Don’t be ridiculous” I intoned, before even thinking about my response.

I had come away from my second lesson earlier that afternoon wondering what on earth came over me, feeling embarrassed, thrilled and, of course, guilty, in equal measure. I had acted like a hormonal teenager, flirting unashamedly. I hadn’t meant to, it just happened. I had giggled at anything I possibly could, accidentally bumped into him when I was settling down at the piano, and what was I thinking turning his innocent encouragement and support into some sort of innuendo that I wasn’t even sure made sense?

“Stop beating yourself up, and stop apologising for tiny hiccups. Celebrate what you are getting right. You’re doing great.” He had said. “I’m not going to wrap your knuckles with a ruler like some Victorian school master.”

“Ha, I don’t know, that sounds quite fun” I blurted out, then immediately burst into loud fake laughter to encourage him to join me which he courteously did. And it wasn’t just what I had said, it was the tone. It was some sort of attempt at being cutely seductive, but I’m pretty damn sure it just came out as weird. But being so kind he hid any shock. Just continued laughing, raised his eyebrows in mock surprise and said “Hmm, maybe I’ll have to change my approach with you then” resulting in more shameless giggles from me.

Last week I hadn’t noticed him at all really until I was almost leaving. I was too nervous about doing something completely new and out of my comfort zone. My heart had been racing for that reason, and during the half an hour we spent together he had gradually calmed me and I was just beginning to enjoy the fact that I wasn’t worrying, I wasn’t wallowing, I was concentrating on something wholly new and different. It occurred to me that I might actually be achieving mindfulness. Then he had touched my shoulders when we were talking about posture right near the end. Nothing inappropriate, just pushing them down and back slightly, trying to help me relax them. He had even asked if it was OK and I thought absolutely nothing of it. Then the touch sent a pulse of energy right through me. Almost like a tiny electric shock, and it wasn’t the static from my woolly jumper!

The funny thing was I had barely seen his face during that first lesson. You don’t really when you are mostly sat side by side looking at the piano in front of you. I didn’t even know if he was attractive. But I knew I was attracted to him from that moment. It was like a chemical reaction or electricity zapping me invisibly through the air. Then once I began to think about him differently, I realised I had noticed his voice, his smell, his talent at the piano, his gentle kindness, and they were all delicious. Oh, and his broad forearms and hands which I got to look at plenty under his rolled up casual long-sleeved t-shirt. How can a hand and a little bit of arm be so exciting, so beautiful? They were powerful and masculine but gentle and controlled.

During the lesson today he had been showing me how to hold my hand when playing chords. When he touched my wrist to lift it, I suddenly felt sure he must have felt my pulse race and then I became conscious I was probably blushing. Thank God we were still side on to one another, not face to face. Another highlight this afternoon had been the fist-bump he offered me when I did a particularly good run through of the tune he had just showed me. Such genuine warmth. I’m not used to anyone but Erica being genuinely pleased at my successes. And it was so cute, and offered another opportunity to make contact with that gorgeous hand. I nearly punched him when I got the pressure a bit wrong but it just made us both giggle again. I snorted slightly.

Just as I had finished explaining all this to Erica and put my head in my hands she almost exploded. “Liv, he’s totally feeling the same way as you, it’s obvious. Just go for it, you deserve it. What’s stopping you?”

“You know exactly what’s stopping me, I’m married.”

Tears began prickling in the corners of my eyes. My guilt was really surfacing now. But I wanted to hear her make this argument, it’s why I brought the conversation up. I needed her to convince me if I’m honest. Wanted someone else to talk me into breaking my marriage vows. Share the responsibility.

Erica put down her tea, came over and sat next to me on the sofa. She grabbed my hands away from my face and held them in hers. “I know you are married on paper sweetie, but, really you’re not anymore, are you? Not in any real sense of the word. You can't have a marriage if the other person doesn’t remember they are in it, Liv.”

I let a tear escape.

Erica continued “There’s no rulebook for this kind of awful situation, but I kind of feel like you have done your grieving for your marriage already. Jason’s really well cared for where he is Liv, and you will always be there for him whatever he needs, and he’ll always be special to you too but you have to let yourself have your own life again. It’s been over 18 months now.”

I looked away.

“It's been great for you to start up a few new activities like your piano lessons and the yoga, but there’s really no harm in starting to enjoy new relationships too. Me and Julie think so, your brother thinks so, your mum and dad think so, hell even Jason’s mum thinks so I reckon.”

“pfft, I doubt that” I half-laughed. “she would have me sitting by his bedside, knitting for 12 hours a day.” We both smiled while rolling our eyes.

“Well alright, maybe not her, but all that matters is that you learn to be happy again. Pleasing her shouldn’t be on your list of priorities. You will still have a relationship with Jason, just a different one. You said he had been positive when you visited this week. That’s great. You can still bring each other some sort of happiness but there are absolutely other things you need from a relationship too.” She nudged me and giggled. I did too.

“Right?” she coaxed. “Right?”

I nodded the tiniest bit.

“OK, so now all we have to worry about is do you still know how to do this?” beamed Erica.

“No, I honestly don’t think Will is interested Erica, he’s just nice. I’m sure he’s the same with everyone he teaches.” I protested.

Since Jason’s accident, I had lost much of the little self-confidence I had as I had ballooned through not eating right, then comfort eating, then not getting out enough. Since I had changed my job and been working from home, I never made much effort to look good day to day. The nicest outfit I had worn in ages was jeans and a smart jumper for a carvery at the garden centre café with Mum last weekend. I even put some earrings on and dried my too-long hair with the dryer. God, I do need to get out more.

“There’s no way he could feel anything for me Erica.”

Before she had time to argue against what I had just said, which we both knew was all either of us wanted, the house phone rang. Only one person calls me on the house phone – Jason's mum. I gulped. Erica rolled her eyes.

Ten minutes later we were both enraged as my previous assessment of Miriam’s expectations of me were confirmed by the phone call.

“I can’t believe she wants you to drop everything to take her over tomorrow specifically when it would make no difference to anyone if it waited another day. Jason won’t have a clue who comes and goes on which days. And she knows you’ve got plans with me and Julie, and your yoga class. So selfish.”

“I know, she’s infuriating but I just can't seem to say no. If only she did text messages at least I could just send her quick note to say “sorry, the girls cant rearrange so I’m not going to be available” but when I actually have to talk to her on the phone it’s so easy to be swayed. Hence me being all wishy washy just now and saying I'd try to sort it out.”

“You really do need to just say no straight away Liv. You’re not being unreasonable.”

“I know, I know.” I was pulling at my lip as I thought about how to word it all. “Right, I’m going to do it. Just get it over. You’re right.”

The phone rang for longer than I felt comfortable with. I almost cancelled the call.

“Hello?”

“Hi again Miriam”

“Oh hello dear. Are we OK for tomorro-“

“Sorry Miriam, I’m afraid my friends can’t rearrange our plans for tomorrow because of work so I’ll not be able to go to see Jason until Friday. Do you want to come with me then?”

“Oh, right, well er, I had really hoped we wouldn’t be leaving it three full days without either of us going, and you know I can’t really take myself this week because of my hip, it’s not safe for me to be walking to the bus in the ice.”

I mustered all the sincerity and empathy I could but I still made a slightly exasperated sounding sigh before I spoke. “I know. I’m sorry about that Miriam. You could always take a taxi if you really want to? That company I told you about have lovely drivers who will see you safely to the door.”

“oh no, no I couldn’t trouble people like that.”

I almost laughed out loud.

“Well I’m sorry again Miriam, but don’t worry, Jason is having a great week according to Jade. She said he has been spending lots of time with that other younger man down the corridor and they have started to chat together a fair bit. He’ll be fine until we see him Friday.”

I heard an unconvinced acknowledgment of what I had said at the other end of the phone but ploughed on before letting her voice any other concerns despite feeling so guilty it was like I was physically stained all over by it. “So, I’ll have to get going for a Zoom meeting in a mo, is 2 OK on Friday?”

“Erm, well, yes I suppose so”

“Great, I’ll see you then.”

“OK. Bye bye then Olivia.” She sounded deflated, defeated.

“Bye.”

I put the phone down, put my face in my hands and felt like the worst person in the world. Erica was rubbing my back and waxing lyrical about how well I did and how it was the right thing to do and how I hadn’t been rude and only been as firm as I needed to be, but I could only hear the blood rushing through me at high speed, I felt sweaty and shaky, I knew I had just done something awful. Tears were about to start again.

Ding. A message. I picked up my phone. Erica leaned over to read it too.

Will Piano: Well done today Olivia, I hope you’ve not gone home and whipped yourself with a ruler or anything 😉 You’re doing really well. If you want to meet up for a drink sometime at the weekend when I don’t have to rush you out for another pupil, we could chat more about the right electric piano for you to buy. No worries if you’re busy, I’ll look forward to seeing you next week. I’ve got the song you requested sorted out in a format that you can manage. I think you’ll enjoy it. W

I looked up in shock at Erica.

“See,” he likes you. “Time to let yourself be happy again Liv.”

“Maybe” I suppressed a smile. “Yeh. Well, I can certainly do a bit more of my expert flirting and then we’ll see if anything more comes of it later won’t we.” The smile and some blushing finally broke through.

I didn’t know if it meant something or nothing, but I knew what I wanted it to mean and finally, today, I could admit it. Progress.