"Always there"

This was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives.

The singing of birds was perfect making perfect ryhmes with the swirling of the wind. The cool breeze swallowed the heat of the sun as dried leaves left soft pat both on the ground and on Caroline's hair. The feeling of finally having such moments come true was all over Caroline. She always wanted special moment with Freddie. The other times spent together didn't feel that special and running through her mind she expected more like the touch of a drop of liquid on a thirsty soul. Caroline anticipated a kiss. The pounding of her heart sounded like reveberations from an earthquake and Freddie could at once discern how Caroline had given all to him.

Caroline might have been a hard catch even though she wanted Freddie but the catch was a complete one. The depth of Caroline's love for Freddie was immeasurable, like the depth of the oceans. It was as countless as the dust in the wind. The smile on her face confirmed it and she couldn't keep it in anymore. Freddie held her by her hand and the warmth shared made their hearts flutter.

"Everybody wishes for this. This feeling right now is what anyone would risk anything for. Caroline loves me and I know it but why do I have this feeling?"

These thoughts wander through Freddie's mind as he looked at Caroline with mixed feelings. Was it love, pity or fear. Freddie just couldn't find the answer. 

Something was beginning to feel awkward Caroline thought. It doesn't feel like Freddie. He's not saying anything. The pounding of his heart was becoming uncomfortable. Caroline looked at Freddie and he turned his gaze. The sound of the wind and the rustling of trees shedding their leaves didn't seem to steal her attention anymore. The look on his face wasn't promising and he had loosened his grip and stood up. Freddie started to sweat and Caroline had a bad feeling.

"Are we breaking up right now?"

Freddie sunk into what felt like a vacuum. He couldn't find the courage to tell the one he loves how much he doesn't want to scar her heart later. The voice in his head wants to talk but his heart doesn't want to hurt. It felt like the shattering of a sand castle into the sand just after misplacing a brick.

I've got to say something, he thought.

 He saw this as an opportunity since Caroline got a hint already.

"The guilt that awaits my heart is heavy Caroline, the piercing of the pain I know would be unbearable and to you unforgiving. I think its best for us to walk our different paths. I don't deserve you. I know we just started and yes I love you but it's just the best for..."

"You know you love me but what? What's with the 'I don't deserve you'? We both want this or is it the other way around?"

Freddie didn't know how to break the shell. He looked at Caroline, held her hand and Caroline slipped it out.

"I'm scared. I'm so afraid I might hurt you so bad and I can't live with that. The fear of waking up one morning and having nothing for you Caroline drives me crazy. I don't want to fall in love with someone else but I can't guarantee that. I'm sorry caroline. Its better now than later."

Tears rolled down Caroline eyes in disappointment. She couldn't believe her ears. What Freedie said "having nothing for her" repeated in her ears like echos of voices in an empty warehouse.

"You're scared. Really Freddie! Did I do anything scary? Oh! Was loving you scary? Wanting to be around you scares you?"

Caroline choked while talking and excused herself. Freddie couldn't say more and watched Caroline leave.

He had told his friend Zach about his decision which Zach opposed. Zach admired them and told him not to let go. Freddie called Zach and told him how Caroline had received the news. Zach in disappointment hung up and called Caroline.

***

The air around Freddie was hot, one could notice. He couldn't get his mind off Caroline but thought he made the right decision for her. Zach visited Freddie with one intention, he wanted to know if it was really over between him and Caroline. He wanted Freddie to admit it to him. Freddie told Zach everything was in Caroline's best interest and they just had to move on.

***

Kathie couldn't help seeing her daughter drown in her own emotions. She was left with no choice but to tell her about Zach. She cuddled Caroline giving her the strength she needed and placed a box on her laps. Caroline looked at her mom in the face, her gaze, so not cool.

"Don't be disappointed, Zach was always there." 

Caroline open the box and emptied it content on the floor. Right in front of her were Zach's letters. Her sight became blur as her tear gland took over. She bent down and scrambled through the letters. One was dated 24th March, 2015, two years before she started dating Freddie.

"How possible mom?"

"He always sent mails and I hid them. I wanted it to be who you loved. He sent them for two years and you always talked about Freddie. I wanted Freddie too."

Kathie reached out to Caroline and she could only imagine the pain she felt.

"Mom for two years Zach knew what he wanted? He wasn't scared or confused? She asked rhetorically. He was sure about me and all I did was fantasize about Freddie and share those fantasies with Zach. It must have hurt a lot mom."

"Don't blame yourself Caroline, he should have told you."

"And I could have figured out because Zach is shy or through the mails he sent."

"I'm so sorry my baby."

Caroline picked one of the letters and read through.

Dear Caroline,

Everyday I imagined what your reply to my letters would be. Every night I wished I could just tell it to your face how much you mean to me. The emptiness and vacuum that disappeared when I met you is unexplainable and I lived in the memories of what would happen if you eventually accepted my feelings for you. I've been this way for two years. It's lame I know and I wish I could say something, probably just out of the blue but it's just so hard. My anticipations got flattened when you first shared your fantasies over Freddie. My world crumbled. Did you ever read my letters, I wondered. The smiles you had just thinking of Freddie shattered my heart. Drowning in the oceans would have felt better. I saw no hope of a future with you. I don't want to say this but I've got to wish you well. I hope you find love with Freddie and gosh, he's gonna be the luckiest guy on planet Earth. Your care and love, you're the sweetest person I've ever met. I wish I was Freddie. I'll always be here Caroline. I love you.

Love, Zach.

Caroline bursted. She knew right inside her how badly she hurt Zach and felt she deserved what she got from Freddie.

"I'm so sorry Zach" she muttered amidst silent wails.

Kathie helped her up.

"It's alright, you'll be fine."

The doorbell rang and Kathie went for it. It was Freddie. He wanted to see Caroline but Kathie would not let him. Caroline pulled herself together and headed for the door. Freddie's countenance would melt an ice but Caroline was just fine. Her gaze was focused on Zach who was some steps right behind Freddie. She couldn't help it. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she sniffed.

"I'm here now Caroline, let's forget I ever said that."

Caroline ran past Freddie and gave Zach a hug. "I'm deeply sorry Zach... and I love you too."

Zach heart stopped. He wasn't breathing. Was this real? His hormones took control.

Freedie was lost. He wanted to apologise, he wanted Caroline back. He couldn't imagine a world without her. By then it was too late.