Acceptance

Trigger Warnings: Negative thoughts, emotional abuse

there’s something strange

that i’ve seen. something strange

that i’ve felt these past few days.

was it because you’ve left me hanging?

or was it because the aftermath of you

leaving?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i could never know because the

pain is still numbing me from

whatever thoughts are coming through.

i sit out here in the secret place we

used to hang out, wondering 

was it all a big joke?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i wondered back to our first meeting,

back to our first hands holding together,

back to our first kiss,

back to our first love,

back to our first end,

i wonder… did you truly care?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i was in love with the idea

of us in love.

i don’t think it did me wonders,

but you were the only one that

mattered the most. i think it only 

hurt me at the end when i thought

that we were forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

was i foolish to think

we were gonna be fine?

you fooled me into thinking

we were it.

we were the final couple.

It was foolish of me to not even think of this

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i’m upset because you didn’t

leave peacefully, but rather

left me in wake and confused.

i gave you a piece of me, but you

forced it back to me. it’s not like

you can just glue it back together.

hoping i’ll be fine once you left and be jolly.

that’s not how it works and neither does love.

love was supposed to be something magical.

Something to be happy about…

not anger

not confusion

not scared

not numb

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you ruined it for me.

you left me angry and now i’m blaming others for it.

you left me confused and now I’m not leaving my room anymore.

you left me scared and now I can’t seem to love anybody else but you.

you left me numb and now I can’t seem to think anything else but our memories.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i knew

you left me for her.

you left as soon as you saw she was available.

i knew i was a second choice,

but i didn’t want to admit it at the time

you met her first but she wasnt free

so, you chose me

made me feel things that I thought weren’t true

and for a while, i forgot about you wanting her

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i shouldve listened

my friends knew what you were doing

my classmates knew what you were hiding

my parents knew how it was gonna end

my brother knew he was no good for me

it seemed like everybody knew but me

they told me but i didn’t listen

and now i’m paying for the price

i shouldve listened

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate you

you made me go back to my dark times

i pushed people away,

scared that they’ll do the same thing to what you did

you were like robin hood

you took things from me

took every single thing of me

my identity

my worth

myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

again

i keep walking back and forth in my mind

I knew better to wait for you to come back

but you did

and that’s what surprised me the most

all the confusion, the hate, the pain

vanished.

there was something nagging me

at the very end corner of my mind

but i didn’t pay attention because

you were right in front of me.

in

front

of

Me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

war

i still couldnt believe my eyes

you were there

in my front door

begging for me to take you back.

my mind is having a war with my heart

mind: i should take him back

heart: you shouldnt because he broke you 

and you know better.

i only stared back at his brown eyes full with a promise… and a

another heartbreak

it was there for a second but i saw it

he only came back because the girl he chased

wasnt there anymore

i’m not blind like i was before

my heart was right

i knew better

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i turned him away the moment i made up my mind

it wasnt healthy in the beginning, and i shoudlve known

i could hear everyones relief in the air

and i was in my room and dancing like

i didnt care

i didnt know why but my shoulders felt light

and when i woke up the next day

the sun finally looked bright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the process

ive though about us,

the past,

the memories,

while it does sting, it wasnt bad as i thought.

i couldnt think straight for awhile but once

people around me started helping

i finally saw things clearly.

i wanted to hate you for the rest of my life

but i couldnt because i didnt have the heart

to erase us but rest assured i am done with you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thoughts and insecurities

i sometimes think back even after a few years it happened

did you really mean to hurt me that day?

i’d hope not

did you only choose me because

i was the backup option you had?

i hope not

i’d like to think that we tried our best at one point

…

i saw you a couple years back

laughing with another girl

did you finally change for her?

she looked really pretty

with those white pearly teeth

bright eyes sparkling

perfect curvy body

a tinge of anger came

I was angry because why 

didnt you try to change for me?

but i also had a tinge of relief,

relief for the girl because then,

she wouldnt have to go through

what i went through

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aftermath

ive started enjoying things

that i used to do before we met

like drawing, dancing, and writing.

ive written a lot about us

my friends hugged me without

giving me a warning after we broke off

My family helped me talked through with

the things you did, but i never blamed you

after all the things you did

cause if you hadnt come to my life

i wouldve never found myself

you actually helped me (in a way)

but you were also my downfall which

led me to see a different side of myself

so… thank you for making me see my worth

that i’ve lost for so long that i thought ive never had it

and not thank you for making me go through that just

so i can find myself in the end.

it was worth it in a way…

and

ive

accepted

it.