As The World Turned Upside Down

***Death and Language Warning***

As the world flipped upside down, fear and regret spread quickly through my clenched, tense muscles, gripping the steering wheel in an unlikely attempt to save myself.

“Fuckkkk!” I yell. The faces of all those I'd ever loved, laughed with, played with, cried with, fought with and hurt flash before my eyes. I reached out, searching in vain, speaking the words “Joey,” hoping to feel her soft fur. Then thinking of my mom and my brothers as I realized with disappointment that my journey here was over and how I still had so much I wanted to do, so much I wanted to change, achieve, become. Laughing ironically, surprised I'd made it this far on my Earthly journey, the car came to a sudden, jarring stop. Then, the sounds of busting glass, screeching metal on pavement, someone screaming... Who’s screaming? Stop screaming! Realizing it was my own voice, I closed my mouth, and the screaming stopped, and the world became still. A silence so deep, a forever I'd never known before. Suddenly there were hands and faces holding me, lifting me, pulling me up, up, up into such beautiful, comforting, welcoming light. I watched as people pulled me from the car, trying to bring me back and still I rose up, lifted by so many gently hands. Looking back up, I saw my gramma, my grampa, cousins and friends I hadn't seen since their passing. Faces I knew, but I'd never met in this life, smiling softly as I moved towards them.

"Come Joey." My words audible, but never leaving my lips as I looked down to see her tongue lolling happily with her crocked little smile, running along beside me as we ascended. This weightless new world, a golden white glow of peaceful calm. Bits and pieces of white light mixed with wooded trails, lakes, my dad sitting at a table with a cup of tea in his right hand, a smoke in his left hand, and he smiled, eyes twinkling as I heard him laugh a knowing chuckle, shaking his head at me. I walked on, still surrounded by so many, and I could see my family below. Some sleeping, some together playing games. I felt myself call out to them and saw my sister sit up in her bed, listening intently as I somehow knocked on the door.

"I'm up here. I'm free and at peace." I tried to call out but found my voice was only an energy. Finally coming to a stop in a place strangely familiar, yet completely unknown to me. I moved in a gathering of entities; in an open field surrounded by more and more people I knew but didn't. They seemed to be lifting me as I stood rooted to the spot, pulling darkness from me, pouring light into me. The daily anxieties and demons I’d faced for as long as I could remember, no longer holding power over me. I bent down, realizing my life’s aches and pains were gone. My hands felt the soft grass as I sat down, looking around at this new world. The edges somehow, softly fuzzed out. I felt the pull of the place I'd left behind and felt a wave of regret. Knowing the shock and pain that would be left from my transition and left to be dealt with by so many, would be too much for some. Just as quickly as I felt this guilt, it was gone, my fears and worries emptying from deep within. I found myself smiling as one by one, people approached me, welcoming me with joy and love. Their energy embracing me with unconditional acceptance. Finding myself up and walking again, I was led to windows, where I watched brief moments from the life I’d left behind. Running wild and free in the yard. Climbing trees and throwing stones at passersby. Sitting on my mom’s lap and crying. Talking my youngest brother into yet another dare. Sitting with my sister, drawing, watching her create beautiful worlds with her pencil. Driving in the back seat of my dad’s smoke-filled car with my brothers, talking about women and swearing like a trucker. My gramma hugging me. My grampa spitting mad at the trouble I’d got up to. So many beautiful, crazy girls and woman sharing my bed. All my pets over the years. Again, I found myself filling with guilt and sadness, then a hand was suddenly on my shoulder, resting gently, squeezing softly, and turning me back towards the ever-growing crowd. The weight lifted again, and the stillness and peace returned.

“Where would you like to go?” The question coming from everyone and no one. Home, I thought. Silence, no response, then a new feeling. This is home, was my next thought. Realizing I had a chance to try life again. A chance to learn more, learn from past mistakes, live life to the fullest. I wasn’t ready to leave though and within moments, my thoughts manifested into a beautifully dreamy world full of nature and animals, music and laughter. I glided softly through this realm, filling up with peace and love. Mindfully observing and absorbing the smells and touch and taste of the ethereal beauty. I painted a character in the clouds and watched with wonder as my sister looked up and saw it. Laughing as she took a picture and swore her shocked amusement. Music speaking to my brothers as they made their way to the house, angry and broken from my leaving them. My mom. Oh mom. Sing the cherry song. Her heart broken as I sent loving light to her. My stepdad. I’ll always be there in those sketchy, rebellious moments, don’t you worry. I am all around you now. Always a thought away.

Sleeping for time unknown. Resting and being. Spending minutes, months, years eating and gathering with countless people. Never hungry, never full. Never wanting and never needing. I don’t know how long I’ve been here. I went flying today. Speeding faster than humanly possible. Clouds, stars, darkness, light so bright it was blinding. Dipping down and soaring just above the waters of all the planets. Sunlight warm on my face, the spray of the water sprinkling over me. Circling and floating through all of time and space as the sound of the wind whips past my ears. Flying, flying, flying, faster and faster… Stop! I’m on the grass, high in the hills, the sun is going down and the moon is bright. Full and yellow. For a moment I am human and have returned. Then I realize, I am floating again. With my arms straight down beside my body, my toes pointed, and my face lifted, I dive upwards into the clouds and soar forever. I will soar through light years until my time comes to return to Earth. “Come Joey,” I say, and she is next to me, smiling happily as the breeze rushes past. “Let’s go home now Joe.” She gives a soft bark, and we are gone.