A Stray Deer

She’s keeping the dog. Not that I really want the dog anyway, he’s ten years old and practically a walking corpse. I wouldn’t even know where to keep him, I’m staying in a one bedroom apartment on the south side of town, no pets of course. They haven’t noticed the fish tank in the bathroom though.

I turn out of the neighborhood, no one in sight. I always forget how lonely it is this far out of town. Maybe my drive will be accompanied by a stray deer, or some redneck driving way too fast, swerving in and out of the lines. I try not to dwell on the past, but it’s hard to forget the late night driving home with her from the bar. Music blaring on the radio, windows down even though it was two cold for the both of us. It’s strange how being in a relationship can feel so freeing. Now that we’ve separated, it feels like my life has fallen into a meaningless pattern: wake up, eat, work, eat, more work, eat, TV, and then finally I can lay my rampaging thoughts to rest while I sleep only to wake up and repeat the exact same thing again. 

I’ve been hoping the break up wouldn’t last. I still remember the night of, she said she thought we should take a break. I remember the drive home, I didn’t cry for a week, I dissociated too confused to recognize anything in front of me. It was so surprising, even though I could see it coming from a mile away. We had hit a rough spot, we had conflicts every night, but still we thought it would blow over, at least I thought it would blow over.

But now she’s moving- she’s moving 1.2 thousand miles away. All the way to Colorado, what the hell is there to do in Colorado. I pass the roller skating rink, its neon lights still glowing bright. It was where we had our first date, senior year of highschool. Back then it seemed so magical, but now it seems run down, barely worth the time.

I think I forgot my toolbox. Maybe I should turn around. If I take a u-turn now it's only another twenty minutes to our house, I mean her house. Maybe by the time I get there she’ll have changed her mind, missing me with a warm embrace. I shouldn’t get my hopes up - I know - but it’s hard to not want everything to be back to normal, I promise I won’t argue. I’ll sit there, stuck in stone, waiting for things to blow over.

It makes me furious, the fact that she just gave up. We could’ve made it work, I could’ve made it work. Some people just aren’t strong enough, some people would rather give up and wallow in sadness.

I'm driving down 4th, the Buck’s burger is still open, that's what I need, a milkshake, a chocolate milkshake could fix everything. I pull over and walk in. Of course Cassidy is working, she glares at me from the back kitchen. I know she’s been told everything. How I stormed out, and returned sobbing begging for her to take me back, even though I promised to get my stuff. I promised to be in and out with no problems inflicted. This is why I hate living in a small town. News spreads like a plague. I wish I could put this behind me. Instead of having to isolate, seeing small glances and whispers everywhere I go in public.

“A large chocolate milkshake to go please.” I wanted to sit down at a booth, contemplate the meaning of life and why I was forced into this shitty situation. But I know I wouldn’t be able to focus with the eyes surveying me from the kitchen.

“That’ll be 7.59.” says the young cashier at the counter. Since when were milkshakes so expensive, but I don’t want to protest, it’s been a long night.

I take the milkshake out to my car. The street light hurts my eyes, beaming down from above and refracting through my windshield. Another memory comes to surface. Me and her going on milkshake runs at three in the morning. A monthly occurrence, usually a result of us getting kicked out of the local bar. Maybe I should move too, it's hard to move forward when everything I pass by reminds me of her. Three years, three years of memories and it feels like they’re just being washed down the drain. 

Half of the milkshake is left in the cup, but I’m too sad to have an appetite. I just want to sleep, lay down in my bed and forget about all the shit that happened today.

I drive past my parents' old church, there’s a lone deer out grazing in the grass. I wonder why it’s alone, did another deer leave it like she left me. Stranded to drown in depressive thoughts. I feel bad as I pass it, my headlights causing its eyes to glow.

The Smiths are playing as I merge onto the highway. This was our song, the song we listened to as we’d race down the highway for no apparent reason. Reckless teens doing reckless things, of course trying not to get caught. She was with me the first time I got pulled over, it was for speeding, 100 mph on the highway. I remember being so nervous that they’d lock me up and throw away the key. Of course looking back on it I should’ve known all I’d get was a ticket.

I hum along to the song “hmmm… double decker bus…” I roll down the window so that my hair blows across my face. “To die by your side… hmmm, hmm…”

Why do things have to end? She was my only friend who stayed after high school, everyone else ran off to college promising to keep in touch but of course in the end they were liars. I remember her coddling me in my bed as I sobbed, feeling like my life was at an end. Feeling like how I feel right now, but of course this time I don’t have anyone to fall back on. I don’t have anyone to cheer me up, or feed me ice cream while tears drip down my face.

I call her, it goes straight to voicemail. 

My eyes cloud with tears, my vision blurred. I press down on the gas, 65, 70, 90, 100, 120 mph. I finally feel somewhat freed as my car flies across the highway. I don’t slow down, I keep pressing forward, my head pressed against the seat. I wipe my tears on my sleeve, as I open my eyes I watch as I'm barreling into the forest.