See You in the Dark

I sit in my void of dark, the dark void that is my home feeling incredibly misunderstood. To humanity, Fear is but one of many demons faced, an enemy to tremble before. Will you cower before me? You are mortal, you are but a blink in my vast existence. While I, I am as eternal as night, for night reeks of me. Will you stay with me in the dark void, paralyzed? You would not be alone, but one of many who keep my company. Maybe you are one of the few who will smell my horror and stand firm. Even when I am the terror in your soul, will you rise above? Many believe the brave to be my enemy, but this is simply not true. I do not hate the bold and resolute, I do in fact, respect them. I especially respect those who do not pretend to be fearless, for that is impossible, as I am within everyone at all times. It is the brave who I repute for their courage, for they have used my gifts to their advantage.

I remember. I remember all, but I remember some more than others. I had been sitting in my void, my void of black, and I felt the strong panic that seemed to be one with a girl. I feel all terror at once, I am it, but I like to, if one intrigues me, go there, go to where they feel me, because they could be something worth remembering. So I went to see this girl, this girl with brown pigtails, and a cute face, a face that would be beautiful when she is older. As I focused myself in the girl's shadow, I learned all. She was in fact a human girl, eight years of age, known as Taryn to her friends and family. I then realized we were on a plane thirty thousand feet in the air, and why I had felt the connection to this girl tighten, summoning me here. You see, Taryn had also found me in trees, her friends beckoning her to climb higher, and at the tops of slides, heart racing but desperately wishing she could let me go. This Taryn girl was terrified of heights.

I watched in fascination as her knuckles turned white around the arm rest, as I pushed her small heart and lungs to go faster, to find safety. She fought against me to slow down her breathing, to calm herself. But why? With Taryn, I had always prevailed. She always climbed down, followed my lead. Why now? Why fight me?

That is when I found Love in Taryn’s heart. Love and I often find ourselves at odds, as it is Love that leads some to ignore all of my warnings, finding themselves injured emotionally, physically, or worse, all in the name of Love. Of course, the tables are just as often turned, with Love feeling cheated out of its pursuits because I am so strong within Love’s target. Some people prefer my dark void to the risk of Love.

Love looked at me fiercely, as Love was fierce, the fiercer the adoration in the heart, the fiercer was Love. Just as the more scared the soul, the stronger I grow. Then Love responded by telling me that Taryn’s love for her sister was the reason she was fighting me as though she were fighting for her own life.

I left Love then and went to the eyes, the place where I can be seen, the place where I can see. I saw the girl Taryn, I saw through her eyes. Her eyes saw her little sister. Her little sister who was gasping, gasping as if there was not enough air, sweating as if it were blazing hot. That is when I knew she was even more terrified of this plane than her big sister.

Their eyes met. It was ever so slightly weird to see myself in the little girl's brown eyes, but also slightly exciting, exciting like vertigo upon reaching a new height. I waved, and then I waved back, spreading the terror further into both human’s minds.

Suddenly, I felt my grip on Taryn strengthen as the plane hit turbulence. Taryn shut her eyes, as if trying to squeeze me out, which was impossible, impossible as moving a mountain.

Until her sister cried out.

Then without warning, Taryn grabbed her sister’s sweaty hand. Love came then, and pushed all of me out of both human girls. Though not before I heard Taryn whisper, “I’ve got you, I’ve got you here, I’ve got you now, and I’ve got you forever, so we’ve got this.” The statement was so filled with compassion that I couldn't help but watch the girls. I watched them until they landed, landed and hugged, and then, only then did I leave, leave to my void, my void of black.

I was again soon brought out of my void, out of the dark, drawn to another creature in whom I was often a close companion. Not a human this time, but a young fox. Now I should give you some background on my fearful friend.

I remember, as I remember all, I remember being in the black, my black void of dread, when I felt a new life come. I knew this being would live forever in my void, my void of black dread, never shaking me as a constant presence.

I went to this new being, and I came into a large forest in the spring, with flowers of pink, flowers of orange. There was the sun, the sun of yellow and gold, yellow and gold heat. Beneath me in a burrow, there was the quick yip of a fox. I followed the shadows into the burrow, the burrow which contained a mother fox, a mother fox of five kits. There at the edge of the tangle of kits was the smallest kit, Runt was his name as his mama did not care enough to name him any different.

I entered Runt’s scared soul and though I looked, I did not find Love. I did not find Love because Runt had never been shown Love. I nested myself in his heart, right where I knew I would be known, where we might even become old friends. For I am not all bad, I can drive you, I can push you to survive.

That whole day I watched Runt watch his siblings enviously, Imala, Mahira, Dacian, and Tamsin. They all had real names, names that meant good things. Runt was not one of these names.

The next day Mama Fox picked Runt up by the scruff of his neck and carried him. This did not feel safe, as I knew Mama Fox was cruel to Runt. I dug into him, his heart racing. Mama Fox then dropped Runt off in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the forest. I continued banging at the little fox’s heart as Mama Fox turned around and left, left back to the burrow, the burrow with all of Runt’s siblings. Runt was hungry, I could feel his stomach shaking, demanding food he could not provide. My grip on Runt was a strong one. He stood frozen.

I had just been wondering if Runt’s life was to be a short one when I began pounding harder on Runt’s heart as another fox slowly approached. The fox was scared, the fox was a she, the she fox was Genevieve. Genevieve reeked of Death, and in Sorrow she was soaked. That is when I noticed, that is when I knew, as I know all, that this had been a mother fox. But no more. Her kits had been stolen by Death, just as Runt would soon be. The fox Genevieve saw Runt and slowly approached, her head hung low. Runt continued to tremble under my hold, frozen.

“Are you alone, young kit?” Runt simply nodded, diverting his eyes. I then saw my old frenemy, Love, beginning to seep into Genevieve’s haunted eyes.

“Do you have a name, young kit?”

“Runt,” he replied in a soft squeaky tone, whether it was because of me or his age, I was unsure. Genevieve shook her head.

“Go figure. Well, a handsome fox kit like you deserves much better,” Genevieve crooned. Runt met her eyes and would have blushed if he could. Though Runt was still scared, I could feel my grip on him loosening as his heart and lungs slowed.

Genevieve continued. A sad smile crossed her face as she said, “How about Noah? It means rest, or wanderer, I think it suits you well,” Runt no longer, Noah nodded his head, as he did like that name. I myself did not care for it, but Noah did, so Noah it was. I could tell Genevieve liked the name too, though Sadness always seemed to show whenever she mentioned the name. I knew then, as I always know, Noah had been the name of her favorite kit that had been lost to Death. But now this would not be Noah’s fate. Not that day anyway. I felt it then, Love, pushing me out of Noah, sending me back to my dark void, where I waited, always.

Despite Love’s protestation and insistence, I stuck in Noah’s heart, in the heart that will never be whole, as there will always be a hole, a hole that cannot be whole, even if Love tried to fill the hole, the hole that can never be filled by his new Mama Fox’s love, as his old Mama Fox had drilled it there with abandonment, abandonment which is Love's greatest dismay.

Later, when the snow had fallen and food was scarce, scarce as a warm breeze in December, Noah and Genevieve had been hunting, hunting for anything at all. That is when the three of us heard a howl, the howl of a wolf. I once again got to beating on Noah’s heart, faster and faster as the barks of the wolves and the yips of their prey got closer and closer. That is when Genevieve beckoned Noah into a nearby bush, Noah eagerly agreed, as I pushed him to run to safety. Then suddenly the predators and prey jumped through the bushes and it was old Mama Fox and all of Noah’s siblings. Around them were wolves, twelve wolves, twelve wolves of grey. I was pulled in all directions. The foxes as the wolves drew near, but the wolves as well were filled with my presence. Fear for their lives, as hunger drove them. I consumed them, as I consumed Noah, as I consume all.

I was basically one with Noah now, I was all he knew, and still, still he ran out. Still he ran out with Genevieve begging him no, still he ran with me filling his small body, heart, and lungs. He took the first attack from the pack leader, saving old Mama Fox from what would have been a fatal wound. Noah was bleeding from his shoulder, scarlet running down his fur. Old Mama Fox was surprised, I could see it in her eyes, her eyes where I could also see myself. Love was still absent in the Old Mama Fox’s eyes.

“Runt? Is that really you?” She breathed in disbelief. Noah bared his teeth as he faced down the alpha, and simply responded, “Get out of here.”

Old Mama Fox hesitated, but then nodded and took her kits, Noah’s siblings, the ones worth a name, out of danger as Noah distracted the wolves. I had never beat on Noah’s scared heart as fast and hard as I had then. I wanted to save him, this brave little fox with whom I’d always had control. But this day, my work was in vain, and did not stop the young fox, as this was a brave young fox. As the wolves advanced on Noah, he did not look back.

Noah fought and his family ran. He heard Genevieve cry, “His name is Noah!” With that, I faded as Love once again pushed into the young fox.

Noah went down fighting, though he also went down with a whole heart. And back into my dark, dark void I sank. Death is an old friend, as it is Death that brings me forth. But this time, his presence was not welcome.

There are times when I am a blanket, my void covering and coating cities, countries. Sometimes it feels like the whole world. Often I am found in one place where there is terror, terror everywhere, filling all who are present. I can feel it, as I always do, from my void of black dread, and I decide it might be worth my while, worth my while to see my horror, and see who in my horror might be a brave soul.

I entered into the shadows of a fire, a fire engulfing a five story apartment building. I entered into the screams, the screams of civilians, the shrieks of survivors. All was in panic, all but the firefighters, they were in control. Yes there was I, yes there was terror, but panic did not betray them. I focused on one, one firefighter. I entered her head, heart and soul, I knew her and she knew me. She knew me well as her past was not kind, but I knew her better, as I know all. I knew she was called Kiera. I knew she was the youngest firefighter out here, eighteen years of age. I knew she was about to run into that burning building. I knew she felt she needed to, she knew she must, she must because she could, and she could because she willed herself to be able to. I admired that, I admired her courage, that was something rare. It was something especially rare in a human so young, for Kiera often ignored my warnings of danger. This day would be no different.

Kiera and her team ran into the blaze, me pounding at her heart, but still she kept her breathing even. They entered the building, and started climbing up, up to where the screams of a little girl could be heard over the roar of the fire. The screams loosened her resolve and allowed me a tighter grip. But not for long. When they reached the room they could hear the screams from, the doorway was barricaded by flaming debris. There was a small hole though, small enough for Kiera. Kiera saw it too, and I began beating faster and harder at her heart warning her no, but her brain did not get clouded, her soul did not dim its determination, it did not even waver, Kiera’s resolve had hardened like molten iron to cold water. Chief was there, telling her no, not to endanger herself, as this was not her first dance with Death. That did not stop her from crawling through that hole, it did not even slow her down. As Kiera stood back up, she scanned the room until she found the little girl surrounded in wet blankets to keep the smoke out. Both Kiera and I agreed she was a smart girl, a smart girl worth saving.

Kiera walked over to the girl and beckoned her out of the wet blankets, with soft words. Without warning an explosion rang throughout the building, causing more flaming debris to fall around the two girls. Chief was waiting outside and in him, I was strong. Despite the heat of the fire, my cold sweat trickled down his back. He had a soft spot for the young firecracker Kiera. I kept him awake many nights, thinking of her fearlessness. Of course, I knew she was not fearless. I am always there. Kiera then pushed the young girl through the hole into Chief’s arms. Kiera also threw herself through the same hole, me driving her faster, right before it collapsed behind her.

When the three exited the building and got a safe distance away from the burning pyre of ash and smoke that had once been apartments, I slowed down my rapid drumming while Kiera left Chief behind as she followed the medical team that had taken the young girl. She wanted to know the girl was alright, the girl she had risked her job for by ignoring Chief’s command to not go, but Kiera had known there wasn’t enough time, there never is with you mortal beings. Sure enough the building collapsed no more than two minutes after the three had escaped. If Kiera had waited for the team to bring tools to clear the debris, they very well might not have made it.

The clever little girl saw Kiera walking toward her and smiled, her two front teeth missing, but before Kiera could walk over, Chief pulled her over, a very stern look on his face. Worry, Anger, and myself all filled his dark eyes. But I was then fiercely pushed aside by Love, because Love is fierce. Just as Chief whispered, “I’m proud of you, don’t do that again.” My work was done and I slunk back into my dark void.

Don’t misunderstand, I am not lonely or sad in this void. I have so much to do, but you have too little time, so let me instead tell you this. I know you simple humans believe I am bravery’s opposite, you believe I am coward’s face, but that is false. That is false because I am both and I am neither, I am your defence against danger. I am the maker of nervous sweat and racing hearts. I am the creator of both cowardice and bravery. Will you face me and make a stand with Love? Or will you simply fall into this dark void alongside me? Either way, I am always there.

Now, good night. I will see you in the dark. In the dark, I am the most, as I am Fear.