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"I can't do this anymore," she muttered. "There's too much pain; I can't handle it. I want to give up." Amal was lying on her bed, staring at his bare ceiling. Her arms were over her head, and tears were rolling down her cheeks. Amal had many days where she felt low and often thought about death. But tonight was different; she thought of ways she can kill herself in this room. Her eyes looked towards her Nyquil tablet; she rolled her eyes and thought not enough to overdose. Amal kept on searching but could not find anything. Amal's tears stopped, and her vision became more transparent, but her mind did not. Amal took a sip from her water bottle, and she always kept it near her. Some nights Amal would wake up startled in her sleep; Amal's past would haunt her in her dreams.

She always wondered how people could come to a point to kill themselves that night Amal realized why. She was still spiritual and felt a great connection with her religion, Islam. After drinking her water, she lay down and closed her eyes, Amal placed her hands and let her fingers go over a deep wound. She used to cut herself when she was a tween; she stopped. But once she did a deep cut and the mark remains nowadays. Sometimes she will look at it and touch it to bring back the old wounded memories, to see how much she recovered from her miseries. Her lips were trembling as tears came down her eyes. Her eyes were still closed, and she gently touched her old wound; it soothed her, "You've had worse days it will get better, it doesn't feel like that now. But it will," she uttered under her breath. She remembered some of her favorite verses from the Quran, "no burden do We place on any soul, but that which it can bear." Amal always heard that in life, you would face hardships and struggles, but if you believe and be patient, you can overcome your struggles. Amal also learned that if you want change in your life, the person should put her best foot forward for the change to happen. Hardships, miseries are sent from God to test our belief in Him. God never sends too many struggles, only what a person can carry on their shoulders. If life did not have its conflicts, then you would not learn anything from it. Conflicts make a person durable, and a hidden gem is always hidden in the struggle once you overcome it. A struggle is a diamond in the rough for your life, the scratches, and molds to make the perfect diamond. Thinking about that verse made her feel at ease.

After thinking about that verse, Amal remembered two of her favorite verses. "Verily in the remembrance of God do hearts find rest," and the other one was, "We are nearer to him than his jugular vein." Praying always made Amal feel better, and it gave her the boost to deal with her life. Amal spoke to God, “Why do you always test me. I have told you I will fail many times. I have told you what I wanted; I know it is hard, but I will get it one day. As a little girl you have been watching me struggle having feelings towards women. I tried fighting it off and replacing it for Your sake and my families. But it never worked when I saw a pretty girl my feelings would arise again. I know it is against our belief. I believe in you, and I know you will do good to the righteous and will forgive me. You have always watched me and sent good people my way to protect me. I have good faith in you, but some of your people do not think I am a believer, but I am. I know some people will be cruel and not forgive me for the things that I do, or disagree with the way I live my life. I know you will be happy the way I live it. You show me daily how much you have blessed me. I do not take my life for granted; you have blessed me with great health. You are more forgiving and generous. I may have had my doubts at times and have my lows in spirituality. I have been angry with you before, but I overcame my anger towards you. You've always picked me up on my lows and made me feel like my greatest self." "I love the struggles that you sent me, but sometimes I can't bear with them; my heart gets weak because the people who are closes to me hurt me the most. I have lost my trust with them, but never with You. Strengthen my faith and strength my trust with You and with your people." Amal did a sincere prayer with her Lord that night, closed her eyes; soon, sleep came to her. Amal tears dried out, and her anxious thoughts rested.

                                   ***

Two weeks later Amals closest friend Maria sent her a funny message. She could not stop laughing. They often shared the same humor. Amal confessed to Maria “I wish I took my life more seriously; I want to get out of my parents’ house and find someone for myself. I have been happier and gained more confidence once I accepted my identity. But I still have a lot to accomplish.” “I’ve noticed it Amal, the last time we saw each other, you looked much happier and I’m proud of you.” “Thanks, I feel much happier, now I just have to find someone and get out of my parents place to be happier.” “Let’s be realistic Amal, chances of you finding someone who loves you back is greater than you getting out of your parents house.” Although she knew that it was kind of true “Na, I think it will be the opposite, its gonna be hard for me to find somebody.” “Hey, don’t be too hard on yourself, just because you had one bad experience with a girl.” “Yeah, I had a low kind of a suicidal thought two weeks ago. I’ve thought about your gay cousin who committed suicide and got why she did it” “Dafuq, Amal what do you mean almost?” She told Maria the whole experience that she had two weeks ago. Maria understood it since she attempted suicide twice, the aftermath resulted in appreciating her life and mistakes can be fixed.


The next day a good friend of hers messaged her that she was having a bad day. Amal's friend Jessica called someone, and they were of no help. She told Amal the main reason she was upset because she got hurt by someone close to her. Both Jessica and Amal dealt with their issues by saying it will pass on and ignored their concerns. They both tried becoming productive and busy in their own lives so that they can numb their pains. Amal told her, "Yeah, it helps, but at one point, it just hits you out of nowhere when you least expect it." She said to her that she was a listening ear and would be there for her no matter what. They both mentioned the pains they have dealt with in the past with their families. Amal told her that when she was younger, she used to cut herself to release the pain. Amal could not deal with the pain of her parents messed up marriage, and her struggling with her identity. Her parents tried understanding it, but they never did. "Did it help?" "No, it didn't. I just focused more on my religion and school, by that it made me better about myself, way better than cutting. It felt nice at first, but it did not solve the problems, after cutting my problems were still there. So, I just started ignoring my family issues and kind of made my own world." They both felt better talking to each other, but she did not mention her most significant low because her friend needed him more. She was confronting her about an issue, and she did not want to make it all about her. 

Amal always tried her best, reaching out to her friends on her good days, but on her bad days, she always liked to be alone. Amal self-treatments gave her temporary relief. She went out to get help, and it was a process of making herself better. That is why when someone she knows is going through something, she always tries her best to help them out. When you are in a low moment, a voice, a memory, or someone who reaches out to you can save you. It is unfortunate for people who do not make it on time to rescue someone on their deepest low.  

May 09, 2020 01:07

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4 comments

Ray Van Horn
01:03 May 15, 2020

Introspective look into confusion and despair.

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19:20 May 12, 2020

Really nice read. I personally enjoyed it, hope you like mine too. My only suggestion would be to make the story more flowing

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Said Y
20:19 May 12, 2020

Thank you. I will keep that in mind next time.

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05:48 May 12, 2020

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 Love it

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