Language Barrier

Dizziness threatened Scott, blindsided by the question that escaped her lips. Words that felt like an uppercut to the jaw and impacted his vision in the same way. How could she possibly query his devotion? Was it not plainly obvious?

“Oh my god! You’re doing it again!” She screeched, “Focus Scott, please, be here with me! SPEAK to me! I’m not a mind reader. You need to answer the question out loud!”

“I don’t know how to. It’s so ridiculous…” He said.

Aria’s mouth hung open, hurt clear in the eyes that began to shed tears.

“Ridiculous!? Just tell me whether you actually care about me! Tell me that I mean something to you! I want to hear the words, Scott. I need that comfort from you. Why can’t you give it, without me always having to demand it?”

“I feel like I do…I feel like I never stop…” Scott offered. Hearing the weakness of his own reply, he looked away from her. Aria was the best thing that had ever happened to him. She was far out of his league in both beauty and mind. Her long blonde hair cascaded over a sharp tongue, and he felt supremely lucky to share a life with a woman of such high class. To think that he was losing her, for apparently never making it clear to her that he thought so well of her? He could simply not understand how she had come to such a baffling point.

“I just…I can’t do this anymore if you aren’t capable of voicing that I mean something to you. I can’t be with a robot on auto pilot. I can’t be glorified roommates!”

Before he could respond, she turned and walked away from him, shutting herself in their shared bedroom without further argument. He stood alone, his hands shaking involuntarily and unsure of what to do next. He lowered himself on weakening legs to sit at one of the dining room chairs. Put his head in hands and sighed, bewildered at how things had gone so wrong. He knew he wasn’t a talker, but he just could not understand how Aria wasn’t aware of his true feelings.

When they had first met, their connection was immediate. He had felt safe enough to open up and tell her things he would never dare say to anyone else. He had told her of his fears and his dreams, his plans and his struggles. One of the first things he had explained was his anxiety around speaking his mind, and how unusual it was that he felt able to do so with her at all, no matter how infrequently. She had accepted it then, whilst she had opened up about her own inner world. It had been the bedrock of their years together, that shared vulnerability and knowledge that they both met hardships in different aspects of life. Now, so long after those first talks, she was telling him she wanted something more from him? He rubbed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, unable to move from the spot until he had figured out just what had changed. 

Scott agonised over how he could explain himself. He tried to form a list in his mind of how he had already told her, so many times, how he felt. There was the obvious. He had asked her to marry him. Was the message behind that not clear enough? Sure, the wedding planning was wearying, and he would rather do anything than pick out flower arrangements, but he still showed up. He was always there at every appointment, he participated in every decision. He even attempted to smile when the hundredth sample was shoved in front of his face. He did it all, not because he wanted to, but because she did. He went to the weekly dinners with her parents, despite it seeming a little too regular for his liking. He put immense thought and funds into every Christmas, birthday and Valentines present he bought her. Every one was hand-picked with thought and care. He worked hard at his job, to provide a stable future for the both of them. He even shared all of his finances, openly giving her access to it all. This he knew to be the most dangerous and powerful gesture of all. He had been burned before, badly. Aria was worthy of his trust though, and until that afternoon, there had seemed little chance of a split. His eyes refocused on the grain of the table and coming back to reality, the list seemed weak, even as Scott tallied up his many declarations. They were all the expected actions of a man in a relationship for the long haul. At least by his standards. Perhaps she had a point and he needed to offer more? Be better?

He shook his head and felt the heat of anger rising in his chest. No. He knew that what she was saying was wrong. He did so many little things to communicate his true feelings. He told her every single day! She clearly just wasn’t listening. She hated to cook, so he did it, daily. Not only that but he always put the best of the meal on her plate and took the slightly burnt or less desirable choice on his own. He wrapped his arms around her anytime she stood in one place for too long, to keep her warm and let her feel safe. He picked up treats that he knew she would like on any given grocery shop. He rubbed her feet when they lay across his lap on a late evening on the couch. He didn’t have to do that, he did it because she enjoyed it. It hurt his hands. The movie choice on such evenings would usually default to Aria’s choice, mostly because he would end up enjoying most romance or drama sessions anyway, whereas she would suffer through every minute of his preferred genres. Scott always drove, she didn’t like to. He would run to the door to open it in the rain, so that Aria didn’t have to wait under the deluge any longer than needed. He carried the heavy bags. He told her she was beautiful whenever she left the bathroom after doing her hair, even if it looked exactly the same as every other day. Hours had been spent offering complimentary noises to the catwalk that was their living room after a shopping spree. He could go on and on. There was no end to all the little things he did, the unnoticed and unvoiced actions that were designed to tell his fiance what she meant to him. So why? Why today was she berating him for not translating those into words?

Scott shot to his feet, his justifications fuelling his anger and sense of indignity. He stormed across the house and burst into the bedroom, ready to reel of his list of proof that he was not as useless and uncaring as she was making him out to be. The scene he found, immediately drained him of all strength. There she lay, curled up amongst the bedding she had chosen over his preference, sobbing into a pillow. His shoulders dropped, his breath released, and he sat down against her legs. 

“I understand what you need from me. I know I’m not good at it. That I would rather show you than tell you. But…I will try…” He said, reaching over and breathing a sigh of relief that her hand gripped his. He went on to fumble through an improvised speech, describing as best as he was able, just how important Aria was in his life. Ending with the only thing he really needed to say.

“You are everything to me, and I will always try to give you what you need”

The arms she draped around his shoulders and the strength with which she pulled herself close were more than enough to show him that it was worth finding the words, if it meant Aria could finally hear him.