Pineapple Lemon

“Where were you last night?”

“Look Anna, I don’t know what gave you the impression that I wasn’t home by…”

“Oh shut it Paul! You think I don’t know what you are up to whenever I step out for my shift? Stop playing dumb with me. I may be a grade four drop out but I know a liar when I see one so either you come clean or I tell the police exactly where you have been the past three nights.”

“Anna calm down it’s not what you think.”

“Get your foul hands off me you thankless snake! Mom was right. I should have married Gregory instead. He may be poor but at least he has integrity and class…”

“Anna…”

“…And to think I almost signed the God forsaken documents. Just imagine how devastating that would have been especially now that we have a baby on the way. God! …”

“Anna I…”

“…Wait. I hadn’t even thought of the headlines. Oh but they would be damning; ILLITERATE PREGNANT WOMAN JAILED FOR MONEY LAUNDERING or worse still, SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER SCAMS BIG SHOT MUSICIAN LIL SMOX or …”

“Anna will you just shut your big mouth for once!”

“Did you… just slap me? Paul?”

“Oh no. Babe, babe please. I’m so terribly sorry. I swear I didn’t mean to but you left me no choice. You just kept going on and on about this fraud thing and it was driving me insane. Then you started talking about Gregory. You know how you can be sometimes, huh?”

“You slapped me.”

“Yes, I know and I said I am sorry. Honey listen…”

“You literally just slapped me Paul!”

“Enough woman! Your problem is you never listen. You think you know everything. Well guess what? You are wrong and today you will learn the hard way. Here is what you are going to do. You are going to sit still in that chair, listen to everything I have to say and you are going to believe it even if you don’t want to but first, tie this cloth around your mouth. I’ve had enough of your blubbering.”

“Are you serious?”

“Shut up. Now do it?”

“Hmph.”

“Tighter or I’ll do it myself and believe me you won’t enjoy that.”

“mmm”

“Give me your hands, oh I almost forgot, and your feet too. Two zip ties around your hands and feet. We don’t want you trying to escape now, do we?”

“MMMM”

“Gosh! No one can hear you, we are in the studio, remember? Oh, I almost forgot –grade four dropouts wouldn’t know anything about soundproof vocal booths.”

“mm, mmmm, mm!”

“Oh, you miserable little creature. All curled up like a scared kitty cat. You should have just signed that document or at least kept your mouth shut. Now I have no choice but to deal with you like all the others. What? You want to cry? Dear me. Here, let me wipe your tears.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, your mouth. If there is anything to blame for this, it’s your unsupportive mouth. Do you know how much it cost me to get this appalling wedding done because of your mom’s imbecilic demands? ‘Paul, a chandelier. Paul, a ten-tire cake’ and what was that other outrageous thing she wanted?— A horse carriage for the mother in law’s entrance to her daughter’s wedding. Wow. Do you remember how instead of being the accomplice I thought you would be you chose to defend your mom knowing well that we were supposed to be a team? I was the real deal babe. I was such a fool for you I took that stupid loan from the sharks to make your mom happy. Well, were you worth it? Absolutely not. You instead started comparing me to that dull-witted Gregory who by the way more than willingly accepted the one million bribe I gave him to leave you alone but clearly, he couldn’t keep his pants up. I’m infertile you fool, so you see, I can never have children. That thing you are carrying was never mine Anna. It’s Gregory’s and I know that because your phone– just like everything else– is so bugged that I know you have never really met that useless one thousand daily footsteps goal you set. Now surely after revealing all this, you can’t still blame me for trying to get you to sign those papers since the money is meant to clear the loan I took for your dream wedding, huh? That’s why, my love, today you will officially sign these documents and take the fall should anything go south. God why didn’t I think of this earlier instead of wasting time getting you drunk only for you to snooze off right before signing. Speaking of, we should toast to this auspicious moment. Just a minute, let me get un peu de vin for you my lovely lady then I’ll let you in on the little secret that has kept me so busy these last three nights.”

“MM, MMMM.”

Paul returns, two flutes of red wine and a pistol in hand, “Sorry to keep you waiting my darling. You should taste this wine, it’s so good. It was a parting gift from Lil Smox after we sealed the deal in last night’s meeting. Here let me untie the cloth around your mouth so you can have just a tiny sip.”

“I hate you!”

“Well you can say all you want Anna but don’t forget I am the one with the gun so shut up and for God’s sake don’t spit on my shirt again. Here, drink. What do we say?”

“Thanks”

“I can’t hear you, louder please!”

“Thank you, Paul.”

“Good girl. So about last night—Lil Smox is greedy. He is scared of the Gen Z kids gaining more fame by the hour that he is willing to do rubbish to stay relevant. It was pretty easy to convince him to pay upfront to perform at the Carnival. The fool couldn’t settle for third last act, said he wanted to close the show because old is gold so I got him to pay double. Now I need you to sign these documents because I worked so hard to convince him that you, my love, are the new assistant events manager for this year’s Carnival and will be standing in for the manager who was recently hospitalized. Once you sign, we can cash this cheque and everything will be wired through your account. As simple as that. Any questions?”

“LOL”

“Great. Sign.”

“I am not signing nothing!”

“Even over your dead body?” Paul spits pointing the gun at Anna’s loaded belly.

“You really know how to get to me, don’t you? Give me the pen. I hope you get exactly what you want. Here, I’m done.”

“My dear Anna. What would I do without you?”

“Paul I know you hate me so much. I know I probably won’t make it out of here alive. Before you end me, I have just one question for you. Why do you say ‘pineapple lemon’ in your sleep?”

“Well because… Aah!” Paul looks down only to see blood oozing out of his stomach before a second gunshot sends him falling chest first onto the carpet.

“Mom come on.”

“What Anna? I just saved your life, no?”

“I know but now I will never know the reason for pineapple lemon.”

“Child drop the accent. I don’t know why you chose it in the first place.”

“It was the only way I could look dumb infront of Paul, ma! Anyway, what took you so long? I sent the voice note eons ago. Do you know how hard it was to ‘mmm’ the words ‘help me’ in Morse code let alone get the secret phone to slide directly under my feet so I could swipe it with my toes?”

“Couldn’t you have sent ‘S.O.S’ instead? Short and precise, no? Get up, there is still work to do. Where is that glass with Gregory’s fingerprints? I need to get that onto the gun.”

“Mom Gregory will never admit to such a crime.”

“He won’t have to. He already admitted his plan to end Paul the other day when he came to tell me about the baby. If only he knew your just like everything pregnancy was fake.”

“You hypnotized him, didn’t you?”

“Yes and I got his entire confession on record.”

“Awesome,” Anna grinned, “Now all we need is to access Paul’s safe.”

“Where is it?”

“Right behind the body. Funny enough he died right next to his treasures. We are going to have to lift him to his feet because it needs facial recognition to be accessed.”

“What? You are telling me this now after I already staged the scene to look like it was Gregory’s fault?”

“Ma. We have gloves on, our finger prints won’t get onto the body.”

“Fine.”

“Oh my goodness! It’s literally filled with diamonds and gold.”

“Jackpot!”

“Ma we are rich!”

“I wonder what Paul would have done if he knew you only married him for his wealth. Okay, are you ready for part two? Playing a victim of domestic violence is not going to be easy.”

“Watch me, I was born ready.”