uh oh

This is it. My last chance. I can't miss this up. Messing up isn't an option. I've waited my whole life for this one moment. I worked too hard, I've spent too much, I've sacrificed everything for this. This is the only opportunity I have left. I can’t fuck this up. I need a future, I need a home. I need this. I'm not going to let this slip away from me. I can't. I can do it. I have to. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. I am strong and determined. Well, I have to be determined. I just need to stop thinking. I can't stop thinking, that's impossible. Just think about something other than the fact that your entire life is on the line. Die with memories, not dreams. She doesn't believe in me. She's just pretending. What if I really am as bad as some people say? What if I look like a fool. I'm going to mess everything up for everyone. I'm no good to anyone here. I should believe while I have the chance. ”You're on in ten,” she tells me. She seemed professional enough. If I do go up there and I do look like a fool, then I just look like a fool, but if I went up there and I succeeded... If I nail this, I could do so much. I could buy my parents a home in the Bahamas, and Mexico, and Hawaii! Obviously I would buy a big house. It would have  you have tons of light and plenty of places to sit. And plenty of places for plants, my mom loves plants. I remember that one time we went to a plant shop and bought a really spiky plant. It was purple. And plenty of work out space for my dad. I could buy myself a house in New York like a real house. It would be full of landscape and acrylic paintings. I could get a really fancy mattress and a really fancy pillow to go with it. I can do this. I am going to do this. I am going to succeed. I will not fail. Because I will try my hardest never to give up. I'll keep my head high, shoulders up, breath steady and just do it, the words will Carry Me Through. If I just speak about what I'm passionate about, it will all work out. I'll just let the words Carry Me Through. I won't pay attention to the audience. It'll be just like I'm speaking by myself at home. I'm confident in my work and the way I speak will show just how confident I am. Daniella will be down there. She will cheer for me, no matter how bad I mess up. She'll take me out for ice cream after this is all over. She Believes In Me. If She Believes In Me, Why can't I believe in me? I should believe in myself because I can do this, I will do it and I will succeed. I will march on stage and project. I'm not going to shy away this time. I'm going to give 100%. And I'm not going to let anything stop me. I am strong, I am confident and I can do this. I just need to focus. I need to be one with the speech I need to blend in with the background and shine in the lights. My feet need to be solid in the ground. But whatever I do, I can't give up. I Won't Give Up. I'm not just going to do this for me and my future. I'm doing this for my family and friends because they mean a lot to me and I really don't want to mess this up for them.

To be, or not to be- that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them. To die- to sleep-

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die- to sleep.

To sleep- perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub!

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause. There's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despis'd love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would these fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death-

The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn

No traveller returns- puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action.- Soft you now!

The fair Ophelia!- Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remembered.

Recite in Hamilton helps me concentrate. I love the play Hamlet. It's so interesting. What I find most interesting is paraphilia. I feel bad for OpheliaI also feel bad for like everyone else. This won't just be a dream after today. Legacy, what is legacy?Well a legacy is planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. It's writing some notes at the beginning of a symphony(hamilton). What will be my legacy?I wonder. will I be forgotten with time? Or will I be remembered forever? right now I'm not quite sure but what I do know is I just need to grasp this opportunity and believe in myself. I can do this. I will do this.