Obsessions

(3/15/20) Knitting. The soft clacking of the needles calmed her mind and excited her soul. Fuzzy red yarn weaved its way together into a simple pattern. She had learned first from her grandmother, and then from Youtube. There were holes in it, but she didn't mind, it was only her first try, she would get better at it.

(3/30/20) Her room was cloaked in darkness, but a bright light glowed from underneath the blanketed lump on her bed, illuminating a bedside table stacked with books. Cast off in the corner lay a basket of yarn and a half-finished scarf. She's spent hours poring through books: fantasy, poetry, science fiction, she didn't care. Hundreds of dollars spent online and at bookstores. "It's worth it. I love reading. This one will last," she claims.

(6/20/20) It turns out reading had lasted, but not forever. She lounges in bed with a computer resting on her chest, she's been here for hours, but she only has two seasons left. A forlorn glance is cast over at the stack of unread books sitting next to the basket of yarn. Maybe she should make another dive into the world of literature. But not today, today she is going to finish her favorite show.

(7/04/20) She can hear the faint popping of fireworks from outside, but she is not going to join her family in their celebration. Instead, she will focus on her studies. The drone of a teacher echoes from her laptop, and she writes down notes attentively. Biochemistry is something she has always wanted to learn, and she has never liked the 4th of July.

(7/9/20) She wakes up on her birthday with bright eyes and high hopes. As she throws herself out of bed she eyes the binder crammed into her desk drawer. Biochemistry just wasn't the right fit, but the piano will be. The last-minute addition to her birthday list confused her parents, she had never shown interest in music before, but they still oblige her. As night falls, they can still hear her playing, her fingers tickling over the keys.

(7/20/20) She had done it, she had finally finished the plot and character development of her book. She had woven an intricate world of spies and magic, and characters that she felt were loveable and dynamic. Her fingers tapped the keys giddily as she wrote out the opening line of her novel.

(8/2/20) School was starting soon and she had yet to find a hobby, her brain felt stagnant. Boredom fueled her as she opened up a tab in her computer and searched "Hobbies to Pick up" Her screen was instantly flooded with search results and she clicked on one of the links hopefully. She scrolled for a bit before her eyes caught on one of the bold headings. Her interest grew and her brain instantly perked up. She texted her mom asking to go to the craft store. She couldn't make earrings without getting supplies first.

(8/20/20) The first day of school came and she stepped off of the bus with no earrings and a plain outfit, jeans and a sweater, with a collared shirt underneath. The first day of school was always the easiest, all that ever happened were icebreakers. Fourth period came and they all got to share one fact about themselves. When it was her turn, she stood up and triumphantly proclaimed "I read 72 books over this summer." No one looked amazed or particularly wowed, and she even received dirty looks. She sat back down and shrank into herself, curling her shoulders forward and gazing down at her hands. The last person to share stood up and told the class about how they had built a pc over the summer. At that, her head perked up and her brain buzzed. Building a computer huh?

(9/15/20) September came and now she liked coding, building computers was a bit too expensive, but learning how to code was completely free. Satisfaction curled in her gut as she completed the puzzle she had been assigned and was able to move to the next question. Code was really amazing, it amazed her how a few simple lines of words and numbers could create such interesting processes.

(12/13/20) Shaky breathes pushed past her lips, she was curled up in the corner of her room. Her gaze was focused on the ceiling and she was thinking of everything and nothing at all. Her hands shook against her thighs and her ribcage trembled. A shrill ringing echoed through her head, she couldn't think. She couldn't think because of the dusty piano, the basket of yarn, the stacks of books, her notes, the pc part list sitting on her desk, the collage of photos she had taken, the poster from that show, the unfinished manuscript, everything in her room was staring at her. Cruel eyes crept over her and her brain was screaming at itself for being so incompetent. Nothing had stuck, there was nothing here for her, what was she meant to do? Idle hands and idle thoughts only led to bad things.

(12/20/20) It was almost Christmas and she was still living in a daze. She had thrust herself into schoolwork, but her grades were dropping rapidly. She couldn't be around people without discomfort and she was terrified of direct interaction. The only thing that could drown her thoughts was music, and it seemed now that she always had her earbuds in, the same playlist playing at full volume in an endless loop. It reflected her life, an endless cycle of hobby after hobby, grasping onto the strings of control that always seemed to slip from her fingers. New hobbies were few and far between. Her obsessions had depleted into self-loathing. She couldn't stand it.

(1/1/21) A new year. A promise, to herself and no one else. She swore to let go of her failures. It had begun with boxes of books and a piano being taken to the donation center. Then a garbage bag filled with papers of chemical equations, sentences, and technology. A blank slate. A fresh start. It was time to start again.