Tabula rasa – A New Beginning

"Do you know what is worse than hating someone?"

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She went into the coffee shop. It was her favourite place to unwind. How long it had been since her last visit? She mulled. She realized that it had been almost six months since her last visit.

She did not want to do anything in particular today. No phone calls, no social media, no books, not even music. She did not even feel like writing her journal today. All she wanted was her favourite table near the window, steaming hot coffee, and a cigarette. Sometimes you just need to experience a vacuum. The very thought made her feel liberated. "You are just going to indulge yourself today." She told herself.

There weren’t many people inside the coffee shop. As she was about to walk towards the table near the window, she spotted him. She stopped in her tracks. They had separated almost eight months ago and had gone their separate ways. She saw him for the first time today since that fateful day. He seemed bewildered when he first saw her. Then he pulled himself together and smiled dully. However, she seemed unfazed by the situation.

She said "Hi." cheerily.

He seemed to relax a bit.

He - "How are you?"

She - "I am absolutely fine. How are you?"

He - "Well... Life goes on."

There was complete silence which lasted for a couple of moments. She seemed comfortable with that, too.

He then asked, "Would you like to join me for a coffee?"

She responded, "Sure! Why not?"

He thought that she would go to the counter to place the order like she used to do - with gusto and a spring in her step. But she smiled at him, shrugged her shoulders imperceptibly and, turned towards the table. He placed the order and returned.

It seemed that he had a lot to talk about. He saw the cigarette in her hand and pushed the ashtray towards her. She quietly placed the cigarette on the ashtray and waited for him to speak. He twiddled his fingers and kept glancing out of the window. His nervousness and restlessness was obvious. Maybe he was trying to put his thoughts together.

Then, without looking at her, he whispered, "I am sorry."

She raised her eyebrows and shot him a questioning look.

He said in a low voice, "I really cared for you, you know. I really wanted to make you happy. I really did."

She winced. The memories of the incident that had taken place eight months ago came back to her. She involuntarily touched the scar on her left eyebrow. The mere touch of the scar made her flesh crawl. The memories of that day still heart. However, she recollected herself before he could notice.

There was a moment’s pause...

She then said in a quiet and still voice, "Come to think of it, how could you have been responsible for my happiness or unhappiness?”

He looked at her. He was taken aback and the confusion was evident on his face. He did not expect her to come up with something like that. He had expected her to react strongly. He had expected her to create a scene. Curiously, her calm approach seemed to hurt him.

She continued... "We choose what we want. I chose to be with you. I chose to drag the relationship. I chose to be unhappy. That day I chose to leave you. I chose my life over yours. I chose to be happy."

She emphasized on 'I'. She went on. "Everything is a matter of choice. That day I made my choice for life."

Her words and the way she uttered them baffled him to no end. He thought to himself, “How did she change so much? And when did this transformation take place? Can someone transform so much within a span of just eight months?”

She had always given priority to his dreams, his ambitions, and his career goals. For him, she had sacrificed her personal goals. She had compromised at every turn. She tolerated his arrogance, his inconsistent behaviour, and his mood swings. And she had borne all that with dignity and without complaining once. He wondered if the self-assured and poised woman sitting in front of him was the same woman who had left him eight months ago… That woman who was an emotional wreck with a broken spirit whom he had always taken for granted.

He said, "You really hate me, don't you?"

"Hatred…hmm." She then sighed.

"No. I don't hate you." She took a pause.

She then looked straight at him and asked, "Do you understand hatred? It is such a complex and intense emotion. You hate someone who matters to you, whose existence in your life makes at least some difference. But you know... You are of no consequence to me anymore. Why would I waste such a vital emotion on you? "

She said all that in one breath.

He was looking at her with curiosity.

She continued, "Do you know what is worse than hating someone? Have you ever given it a thought?"

Without waiting for him to answer, she said, "It is when you cease to feel anything for them... It is as if they do not exist for you anymore. That is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship that has gone kaput."

She waited for a few seconds. She then said, "Do you remember the day? I recall every single moment of that day with every little detail." She pointed the scar on her left eyebrow with her finger and said, "You denied my existence as a human being that day. That day I wiped out your very existence from my life."

She regarded him seriously and asked, “Do you know how it feels when you do not mean anything to someone you love with your whole being?”

She took the cigarette from the ashtray and lit it. She picked up the cup of coffee and she took a sip she smiled at him. It was a simple smile not indicating anything in particular. The next moment she was lost in her world. Once again, he had ceased to exist for her.