He’s Not Bad Looking

   Evy bounced out to her front porch with her cell phone. She was a big woman who liked short, tight, spring dresses with half the top buttons left open. “Stephen Winters? What Stephen Winters? Well, if he didn’t go to our high school, and he doesn’t live in our neighborhood, how am I supposed to know him?”

   Evy looked over to her neighbor’s porch but he hadn’t come out yet. “You met him online? No, I don’t do that. I prefer the more personal touch for meeting men. I don’t believe in any of that. How am I supposed to know him? Stephen? Stevie. Stevie? That kid? I got to warn you about him. I know who you mean now.

   “I was his prom date. Is that what he’s saying? Oh, you think men grow up? I tell you what he’s like. He went to school with my step-brother. My step-brother and I lived in the same house, but we didn’t go to the same school because when my mom met my step-brother’s dad… that don’t matter. Stevie knew my step-brother. Oh, and Stevie was a weird kid. You know, one of those ones that sits all day under trees reading books. You know, really in their head type?

   “Anyway, this Stevie, invites me to his high school prom. I say yes, but it was like weeks before it was going to happen. In the mean time my step-brother has a house party because my parents were going away for a weekend. So, he invites Stevie, because he thinks he do should that for me, because he thinks I’ll be there, too, only I’m going with my parents, because my parents are going away to the beach. You know, between a house party and a weekend at the beach, I’m going to go for the beach. Even if it’s with my parents, I’m going, because once I get to the beach, I can lose them. You know what I mean?

   “So, at my step-brother’s house party, Lucile starts crying and freaking out because my step-brother isn’t interested in her. Lucile? Lucy, Lucile. She was not my best friend. She was a friend. She had a crush on my step-brother, remember? Well, she picked that night to start bawling about it. So, this Stevie, I’m told, takes her into my bedroom and closes the door. My bedroom. To comfort her! That’s what my step-brother told me. There’s another guy you can’t trust. Oh, yeah, my step-brother and Lucile both said nothing happened. Stevie was a gentleman. Blah, blah, blah.

   “Oh, and remember Linda? That same night at the party, my step-brother and his friends are talking to this Stevie in the kitchen and Linda came into the room and sat on his lap. Linda! She sat on Stevie’s lap. Oh, she said she drank too much. She was just playing. That’s what my step-brother told me. Well, I don’t know how long she sat on his lap. That doesn’t matter. Stevie should have got up before Linda sat down.”

   Ivy’s neighbor, Sean, came out onto his porch. Six feet two in work coveralls, he sat down with a coffee, an orange juice, and the Saturday newspaper. He started to read.

   Ivy went back to her cell call. “This is what I did. Stevie picks me to take to his prom and I told him on the way, ‘You’re not a bad looking guy, but I think we should just be friends.’ Yes, on the way to the prom. Alright, yes, on the way to his prom. So, we get there and sit at a table of ten, drink, and listen to speeches. The music starts, and I’m not crazy about that part because no one can hear me when I talk when the music’s that loud. Music, music, music, then this chick comes over on the lady’s choice dance and asks Stevie to dance. And he dances with her! It doesn’t matter. I’m still his date. It’s etiquette. What’s he doing dancing with her? I’m his date.

   “I can’t remember her name. Even if I could remember her name, I couldn’t pronounce it. Her parents were with her at the prom. That tells you how innocent and how desperate she was. You know what Stevie did after he danced with her? He went and sat with her and her parents at their table. He left me at our table for half an hour. That’s just rude. She was not beautiful. You can’t say that, you weren’t there. Okay, this girl was not bad looking, but she wasn’t beautiful.”

   Sean drank downed his orange juice, sipped a little bit of his coffee, and turned the news pages.

   Ivy continued. “So, I don’t say anything. I don’t care. If he wanted to waste his prom that was up to him. I’m not telling anyone how to live. A week later, it’s my prom, at my high school. I have a date, and it’s not Stevie. And at my prom, you know what Stevie he does? He shows up with Linda. Sit on your lap, Linda. Oh, they’re out there dancing and his hands are all around her waist, and I know he’s trying to sneak them down, but I’m watching. Oh, and Linda wasn’t serious about him. I had a talk with her. I wasn’t interfering, I was just warning her and she had the sense to listen.

   “Then Stevie dances with this other girl. I don’t know, it might have been a lady’s choice. I don’t remember. Jenny. Yea, the tall one. I mean, you don’t do that. Neither of them. It’s etiquette. It is. Wait, this is what happens next. Okay, he ruined my prom. He did. Well, if you don’t understand that, it’s because you don’t understand that. Are you going to let me finish? So, two weeks after my prom, it’s Jean’s birthday. Jean? My cousin. No, Jenny is Jenny, this is Jean, my cousin. Strawberry blonde. Everybody stared at her in High School. Yeah, okay, she was beautiful, but she was an introvert, so it was wasted. You know, way in her own head too much. No, not like Stevie, not like that at all. Why would you say that? Are you listening?”

   Neighbor Sean sipped some more coffee. He folded and refolded his newspaper depending on the article he was reading. He angled his plastic patio chair a little away from Ivy.

   Ivy continued. “I set up a birthday party for Jean. You know, that pizza place we all went to? They served you beer even if you were underaged? Well, yeah, that’s probably why they closed it down. Anyway, it’s Jean’s birthday party at the pizza place. I invite my step-brother, his girlfriend, Linda, Jenny, my best friend… well, my friend, Lucile, and Stevie. I invited Stevie myself. Personally. I had it all set up. Not only was I going to tell him off, we were all going to tell him off. You know I never tell anyone how to behave, but he needed to be told how to behave.

   “That evening comes. We’re in the restaurant. They’ve pushed a bunch of tables together for us. I’m at the head of the table, the birthday girl is beside me, my step-brother is on the other side and some girl he was dating – he probably doesn’t remember her, either, - Linda and the new guy she was dating, who didn’t have a clue what was about to happen, and Lucile – who I warned was not welcomed in my bedroom anymore, because that’s where she cried about my step-brother to Stevie, and Jenny. We’ve ordered drinks, but we’re going to wait on food. Then Stevie arrives. And I stand and say, ‘You need to sit down because we have some things to talk about. About the way you’ve been behaving with a lot of people at this table.’  

   “And Stevie looks at me, and he looks at everyone at the table and you know what he says, ‘I don’t think so.’ And then he left. Like, what a jerk. What a creep. He just walked out like that. Oh, and he made a thing out of wishing Jean a Happy Birthday before he left, but he left. You can’t talk to someone like that. That’s how rude he is. Oh, and Jean, you know what she did? She asked for his phone number. Can you believe that? She broke out of her shell to ask for Stevie’s phone number. You know why? Because I talked about Stevie so much, you know, warning people, that Jean thought he must be popular. What a nobody. I hope you’re not even thinking going out with him, are you? Wait a second.”

   Neighbor Sean was standing and collecting his paper, coffee cup, and orange juice glass.

   Ivy put her cell on hold, and leaned on her porch railing. “Hey, Sean, how are you today?”

   “Oh, I got errands, I gotta get to them.” Sean said, pleasantly, but not looking back as he went into his house.

   Ivy went back to her call. “Sorry, that was my neighbor. I always make a point of saying hello to my neighbor because I have manners. My neighbor? Yea, the mechanic. What? Sean? No, I was only saying hi. I mean, listen, he’s not bad looking…”