Penetrating Keratoplasty

The hospital smells of some kind of cleaner and metal. I can hear people moving outside the small room the nurse left me in. Well, I think it's a small room. It felt small when I was stumbling around in search of pants. The scrubs that she had given me to wear are itchy and uncomfortable. I shift in the seat, the cold of the metal chair seeping through the thin fabric. There's a steady beeping coming from somewhere to my left‌—‌the nurse told me it was a heart monitor before she left. I try to swallow the filmy paste forming on my tongue but it doesn’t budge. I haven’t had anything to drink in a few hours and I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Dr. Hemsworth said it was part of the surgery, so I didn’t pee all over the operating table while I’m asleep.

I rub my arms as if that would ward off the chill. It doesn't. I rub my eyes as if that would fix the reason that I'm here. It doesn't. I take deep breaths as if that would make the situation any better, but the air catches in my throat, shuttering.

My nerves are getting the better of me but I can't help it. I can't help that I'm afraid of something going wrong. Maybe the surgeons would make a mistake. Maybe it just wouldn't work. Maybe I came here for nothing, just like Amy said. My left eye starts to twitch and I press the heel of my palm against it until it stops. It occurs to me that I haven’t opened my eyes since the nurse left. Maybe not for days. I pause then don’t open them at all. It hurts too much to see the world is just as black with my eyes open as it is closed.

I run my hands through my hair as if tugging at my hair would somehow affect my nerves. It doesn't.

The door opens and my pulse spikes. Is it time? Already? I lift up my head but I don't open my eyes. “Dr. Hemsworth?”

“No... It's me.”

“Amy? You… you came. I thought you said you didn’t want to come back here after last time.” I sit up a little straighter in my chair, holding my hands together in my lap. “I thought you said this was a needless risk.” The bite in my voice was unintentional.

“I know what I said but… it doesn't mean I don't still care about you. If you're going to go through with this then I want to be here. But if you don't want me here, I'll leave.”

I sigh, relieved. “I'm glad you came.” I hear her walk closer to me, her boots clicking on the tiles. Metal scrapes against the tile, then she sits down in the chair next to me. She lays her hand over mine, still clasped tightly together. I let her pull my hands apart and intertwine my fingers with hers. “I am really glad that you came.”

“So am I.” I hear her shift closer then feel her lay her head on my shoulder. I lean my head against hers. I breathe in the sweet scent of her perfume, some kind of flower that I can’t identify. It doesn't matter; anything is better than the lemon cleaner of this room. I feel my nerves begin to settle as the anxiety leaves my bones, imagining little white birds pulling free from my skin and going to nest somewhere else. Even with just her presence, Amy is all I’ve ever needed.

Almost hesitantly, she asks, “What do you think it will feel like? After the surgery. Will... Will you be able to see like you used to.”

“I don't know. It's been so long since I've been able to see anything. I don't know if I'll be able to tell if anything is different.”

“But... these are someone else's eyes. Aren't you even the least bit grossed out by that?” She pulls away slightly then settles her head on my shoulder again.

“I am. Trust me, I am. But we've tried everything else. After the accident… I don't want to be blind for the rest of my life. I want to see you. I want to see our child. I don't want to be stuck in a nursing home at 34. I don't want to put that burden on you.”

“You could never be a burden.”

I sigh. I reach out with my free hand, blindly searching until my finger pads touch smooth skin. I gently draw the tips of my fingers down her jawline. “Will you do me a favor, Amy?” I ask quietly.

“Of course.” She lifts her head off my shoulder and I think that she's looking at my face. I do my best to turn my head in her general direction. I lower my hand from her cheek and find her other hand that had been resting in her lap, holding them both gently in mine.

“After the surgery, will you be here?"

“Yes, I'm not going anywhere.” I grip her hands a little tighter.

“Dr. Hemsworth said that the surgery will take several hours, and it will be days after they’ve finished before I can open my eyes. I—‌I want you to be the first thing I see. Will you be here?”

She gripped my hand tighter. “How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not going anywhere. I want to be here, with you.”

“If I could see you right now, I would kiss you.” A few seconds pass before I feel her soft lips brush against mine. They only stayed there for a moment before pulling away.

“You don't need to see to do that."

“Yeah, I guess not. But I cannot wait until I can see you again. You, and our little Sophie.” I pause. “Where is Sophie?”

“My Mom’s looking after her. I promise I’ll bring Sophie here the minute Dr. Hemsworth says you can have visitors.”

“That would be perfect.” The door opens again. My grip tightens on Amy’s hands. She squeezes my hands back.

“I hope you weren't waiting long. The operation room is prepped. It’s time.”