Kill Your Feelings

“Can I get a light when you’re done?”

“Yeah, lean over here.”

“I kind of can’t believe you still haven’t managed to quit.”

“I never actually tried, to be honest. I just talked about wanting to.”

“That checks out.”

“Shut up. And stay over here, for a minute.”

“Just for a minute. You smell nice.”

“You smell nice, too. You always had a particular scent to you. I always just assumed it was cologne or deodorant, or something. I’ve never found it anywhere else, though. It must be a you thing.”

“Do you still smell it now, through the smoke?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Interesting.”

“When do you have to go?”

“Soon. I don’t know if I should still be here now, honestly.”

“Would you hate me if I said you should stay?”

“No, of course I wouldn’t. But I’d tell you that I can’t.”

“Of course you can. You just don’t want to. If you don’t want to, say that.”

“What I want is to feel like I can take a breath. To feel like I can relax into my own skin. I want to feel at peace. And I’ve never felt at peace with you. I’m sorry. I’ve been happy with you, but I’ve never been at peace.”

“You can’t possibly blame me for that. That’s part of the job.”

“That’s why I’m leaving the job, too.”

“Can’t I come with you, then? We can quit together.”

“Really? You’ve never been able to leave it before.”

“I never really wanted to before.”

“I don’t think you want to now. I told you before that I had to leave, and you didn’t quit back then. What makes now any different?”

“I mean, I didn’t know you’d really go through with it.”

“Right, because you couldn’t go through with it. And that’s why you can’t come with me, because you won’t.”

“That’s not fair.”

“It’s completely fair! I’ve only ever been honest with you about what I needed. You’ve told me a thousand times over that you could meet me in the middle and you never did. What am I supposed to expect at this point?”

“Do you want another cigarette.”

“No, thank you. I should get going.”

“Listen, I’ve… I’ve been trying. Where did you go all that time, anyway? You never told me that.”

“I just went home. Stayed with my mom. No one bothered me. It’s too small a place to think of, and I wasn’t there very long.”

“Is that where you’re going now?”

“No, it wouldn’t be safe for more than a couple months. I need to completely disappear.”

“Where?”

“I can’t tell you that. It’s better you don’t know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Are you going under witness protection or something?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s nothing like that. I figured something else out.”

“Why won’t you just tell me?”

“I don’t want you to worry about me. You’re better off thinking of me as functionally dead.”

“Shut up, don’t talk like that. I’ll figure out what your plan is, anyway.”

“You’ll never think of this. I’ve always been better at this than you. That’s where the trouble all started, honestly. I didn’t want to be the better killer and you certainly didn’t want it to be me, either.”

“Oh, piss off.”

“Sorry.”

“I don’t know why I even bother with you. And if you’re so talented and brilliant, why are you leaving?”

“I don’t want it. I never wanted it. That’s the difference between us, I think. I don’t like hurting people.”

“You hurt me when you left.”

“I told you I needed you to change! You said you would and you didn’t, so I had to leave. And that’s not what I meant, anyway. I don’t want the bloodshed. I can’t take another life. I mean, my God, just listen to what I’m saying. Good people don’t have to try and excuse their sins like this.”

“Don’t say that.”

“No, it’s true. How am I supposed to atone for any of this? All I see everywhere is ghosts. Everywhere I go, I’m wading through a sea of the dead. My dead.”

“You’ve got to relax. It’s like you said, you never wanted any of this. You shouldn’t be shackled by the things you were forced into.”

“Okay, sure, a lot of people get dealt a shit hand. Most of them don’t resort to killing for money.”

“Yeah? What are you saying about me then? What kind of hellbound monster are you face to face with right now?”

“Hold on, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Don’t talk to me.”

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it. And you didn’t really have a say either. You know how your father is. There was no real avoiding Anyway, you’re not a monster. I’m just feeling emotional.”

“You should go.”

“I can’t leave you like this.”

“Can’t leave me like what? What do you plan to fix here? You show up after four months to insult me and leave again?”

“Hey, look… I’ve tried, okay? I’m not perfect, God knows that, but neither you nor Him can tell me I didn’t try.”

“And I haven’t?”

“I don’t know, did you? You just said you never actually wanted to quit. Did you really try, or did you just talk about trying?”

“I wanted to try.”

“That’s not enough.”

“I was afraid! What if I leave everything I know behind for you and then you turn your back on me? What am I supposed to do then?”

“I would never, ever do that to you.”

“How am I possibly supposed to do know that for sure?”

“I guess you’d just have to trust me. Can you do that?”

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think I could, back then.”

“And now?”

“Maybe now I do. But it’s too late now, I suppose.”

“I’m sorry I’ve made you feel this way. And I’m sorry for a lot of things I’ve done. I love you, you know. I don’t know if that means anything, practically speaking, but I want you to know it all the same.”

“You said you were happy with me, but not at peace.”

“Well… I did, yeah.”

“But we really were happy, weren’t we.”

“We really were.”

“It’s nice, being happy. You never stop to think about just how little most people are actively happy.”

“That’s true. You know, maybe feeling at peace is overrated.”

“Oh, I’ve always said so. A bit of a boring sensation, to tell the truth.”

“You have always said that. And perhaps being happy could be enough.”

“Could be. I suppose we’ll never know.”

“I suppose not.”

“Would you like another cigarette?”

“I’d better not.”

“Fair enough. It’s getting late.”

“Oh, I don’t know. The stars are so bright, it feels like it could be midday.”

“Don’t be silly. You have a tight schedule to keep, remember?”

“Right, I suppose I do.”

“Well. That’s it, then.”

“I guess it is.”

“I really do appreciate you coming to say goodbye. I’d almost forgotten what you smelled like. I think I can remember it until the end of my days now.”

“It was no problem, really.”

“I don’t know if you want to hear this. I have to tell you, though, that I do believe I will keep on loving you long after you’ve gone away from me. No matter how much I try not to. So, farewell, my darling. Travel safely.”

“I will. Goodbye, my dearest.”

“Have your legs suddenly stopped working?”

“No. No, sorry, I’m going.”

“I’ll head inside, then.”

“Wait, my love.”

“Yes?”

“If I gave you an address and a time, could you meet me there?”

“Meet you? I’d be delighted.”

“We get one shot at this, though. You’d have to be prepared to leave everything behind. We’d be going very far away. Are you up for it?”

“Consider it done.”

“Maybe you should sleep on it.”

“I don’t need to sleep on anything! I know what I’m doing. Now, why

don’t you get out of here and get some rest.”

“You’re right, I should go. It’s only… I’m happy.”

“As am I, darling. Now go.”

“Okay. Goodnight, my love. Hold tight. I’ll see in just a few hours.”

“I’ll try to survive, my love. Goodnight.”