Silence is Freeing

Ten days I'd been in this area. Ten days of no running... Taking time to breathe. It was quiet, modest sized, and secluded. The ideal spot hidden away. Somewhere to blend. To disappear. So I rented a room on the edge of the town, and haven't been out since. An incredibly lonely existence, but it was safe. Safe from him. 

I'd been running for a few years. From place to place and everywhere in between. Never over staying my welcome. Never sticking around long enough to leave an impression...never leaving roots. I'm merely a shadow of the person I once was. Someone I barely recognized. A damaged soul with so many broken pieces I was sure I'd never put myself back together again. Maybe I didn't want to. Feelings had dissipated. Thoughts of freedom long gone. I was empty. Bruised and battered by the viciousness of what some call...love. Love had charmed me. Love had pulled me in, and when I fell deep, love watched me fall. Just to pick me back up to do it again. A repetitive cycle that wouldn't end. A cycle I'd barely escaped. Now, alive as I felt, I wasn't really living. Parts of me wanted to die, parts of me wanted to live, but I didn't know how to do either. I lived in a heightened state of anxiety. Fear consumed me. I trusted no one. Constantly looking over my shoulder.

Knock, knock!

I jumped. My stomach turning. Could he have found me? As quickly as I could, I slid off the dusty old bed, reaching under my pillow. Pulling out a handgun, I made my way to the door. My pulse beating incessantly. I swear I could hear my own heart. Drips of sweat forming. Hands shaking. My mind on high alert. I was terrified. Could he have really found me? I shook the thought away. He couldn't have. I've covered all my tracks... Even as the voice in my head spoke, trying hard to convince me, I still held the gun to the door as I peered through the peep hole. Flinching, as my eye looked out, expecting to see the same icy stare and ominous smile eating at my soul. But as I refocused my eyes, gripping the gun so tight I thought my hand might break, I realized it wasn't him, but a woman. The woman who worked the front desk of the motel. Thank God. 

Breathing a sigh of relief, I relaxed, opening the door enough to allow communication. Her eyes were warm and inviting. A greenish blue color so brilliant it reminded me of the ocean. A place I'd always hope to end up...and her smile was bright. Much brighter than anyone I'd ever met. The glow of happiness shining around her. It made my heart ache. What it must be like to feel so wonderful...



"Hi!!" 

She paused, smiling sweetly, but nothing came out of my mouth.

"Sorry to bother you. I work at the motel." 

She turned, pointing to a small building.

"Sorry, I wasn't expecting anyone..." 

My voice cracked as I said the last word. I couldn't help but glance around. 

"Right, sorry for intruding."

She must've sensed my uneasiness because she continued, as if to reassure me she meant no harm. 

"I usually don't bother guests, but I noticed you haven't left your room...," she hesitated, "I wondered if you wanted to join me for dinner? The food here can't be something you're enjoying." She laughed.

Her laugh eased my mind. If things were different we could be friends.

"You don't have to, but I thought you might like something decent at some point." 

She laughed again and I managed a small smile.

"Thanks... I don't know if going to town is a good idea. I prefer to be alone. I...like my privacy."

"Oh...," she looked disappointed, "you sure? If we went now, it'd be empty. They have a back area. No one sits there."

"Um...," I hesitated.

"Gosh I'm sorry! You're clearly uninterested. Everyone says I'm too pushy." 

Shaking her head, the brightness of her smile faded and I felt bad. There was no harm in dinner. There'd been no signs indicating he was close... Against my better judgement, I decided I'd go.

"Don't be, dinner sounds nice. It'd be good to get something better in my stomach." I said reassuringly.

Her smile came back instantly.

"Wonderful, do you want to walk? It's not far."

"Sure, that...sounds nice," my smile met hers, "let me grab my bag."

"Great!" She was beaming.

Closing the door, I leaned back, taking a minute. Long enough for my brain to work against me. What if she knows him? Could be a trap. Oh God, what if it's a trap?? The scenarios flooded my head so quickly I shut my eyes, wanting to scream, but not allowing myself to. My heart picked up speed. I could feel the anxiety creeping through my bones. I grabbed at my chest when the constraints hit and it became harder to breath. I was inhaling and exhaling so fast tears where forming in the corner of my eyes and my fingertips were going numb. 

"Hey, it's Alexandra, right? You okay?"

The sound of the woman's voice stopped me dead in my tracks. I released the breath I'd been holding and assessed my surroundings. Realizing I was fine. He wasn't here. I hadn't seen a hint of him...and she WAS being friendly. As long as I kept my guard up, I'd be okay. Quickly grabbing my bag, I slipped the gun inside, opening the door once more. 

"It's just Alex, and I'm fine."

"Well, Alex, I'm Haven. Haven Wynters...let's get you something to eat."

***

Weeks came and went. Then months. The longer I stayed, the more relaxed I got. Hanging out with Haven didn't help either. As our friendship grew, so did my hope of freedom and feeling safe. I even started helping her around the motel. Maybe after all this time he'd given up...

My wedding anniversary was coming up. A date that brought up too many memories. Made me uneasy...but I was determined to make it through unfazed. However, when I met up with Haven, for breakfast, there was a chill in the air. Something felt out of place and I got the very distinct feeling I was being watched. Glancing around from side to side, clutching the gun, I saw nothing. Still, as I walked to the diner, I felt I was being followed. My gut telling me I was right to be worried, but my brain battled between: second guessing myself, being paranoid, and being right. When I walked into the diner, though, all I was met with was Haven's bright smile. Something I'd come to find comforting.

"Alex!"

She jumped up and grabbed me in a hug. I flinched. Which only made her hug me harder. Even though I'd never told her about my past, she seemed to have sensed something bad happened. Her daily hugs were always followed by...

"You know, Alex, if you need to talk I'm here."

"I know, Haven."

She'd nod understandingly. Then we'd eat. Make small talk. Most of which was about Haven's life. But something about the way this morning had gone made me want to open after all. 

"Have you noticed anyone new in town...other than me?"

"No... Why? Expecting someone?," she asked eating away at her blueberry pancakes, "Cause if you are I'll keep an eye out."

"No...yes...it's complicated."

Haven looked up inquisitively. Her mouthful of pancakes. 

"You okay, Alex?"

"I'm fine...I just..." My voice trailed off. What could I say?

"Alex," Haven's hand met mine, "I can see you're not okay. Always looking in every direction, you're never really here, and you flinch ANYTIME I touch you. You never even left that room until I asked you to dinner. Who knows how long you'd of stayed in there if I hadn't. It's okay if you're not alright. No judgments. I want to help."

She sounded so sincere, I burst into tears. No one had ever been so kind. I hadn't expected to feel safe with her. So I opened up.

"It started after we'd been married five years...five years? Can you believe that?... I met him when I was young. So handsome. So charming. And when he kissed me I felt I was where I was supposed to be. Such a deep connection. We had many years together. Happy years. Then something changed. It was like one day somebody flipped a switch and he was no longer the man I'd married. He was dark...dangerous, and he drank. I tried to help, but he'd get angry. Say horrible things to me... Everything I said got twisted. I was always wrong...and I'd end up feeling bad for something he did. How could I've ever allowed that!?," I sighed heavily, "But I did. Over and over. Taking everything he said to heart. Clinging to every shred of happiness he threw my way. Which was always an apology... I loved him so much, and I don't even know why." I paused. "It wasn't until he pushed me against a wall, knife to my throat, saying, "I could kill you. No one would notice. No one would care.", that I finally gathered up enough strength to leave. Since then I haven't stopped running. And I never stay anywhere long... Except here. But I shouldn't have, Haven. I feel like I'm being watched, like he's here. Taunting me. I can feel it. I swear. I feel that same fear in my gut. I know he's here. Lurking. Waiting. What should I do?" 

My eyes were so teary I could barely see Haven's smile. She squeezed my hand tighter and moved to my side, wrapping me up in a hug. I cried harder and she held me.

"Oh Alex, you don't have to run. He's not here and if he is...so what? I can help, everyone will help. I promise we'll keep you safe. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore."

Haven's words were comforting. But not enough. At least if he took me down, someone could speak for me. Maybe take him down too. She'd been such a marvelous friend that it hurt my heart to know I was leaving. She meant well and probably had every intention of protecting me, but I knew, all too well, he was better. I couldn't risk her getting hurt because of me. I would keep running as long as I had too.

***

We'd finished our meal with the promise of me joining her for dinner. However, I had different plans. As I walked briskly back to my room, my stomach turned from the anxiety creeping up the back of my neck. Something was definitely wrong. Or maybe I was incredibly paranoid... My gut told me that wasn't true. I could feel him. 

I wrapped my fingers around my gun as I unlocked my room, ready to shoot, and swung the door open... Nothing. God, I was crazy. I breathed a sigh of relief. Haven was right. I was safe. It was my own paranoia causing these feelings. He couldn't have found me. Reassuring my brain was enough for me to release the grip around my gun.

Not a second later, I felt someone shove me forward. Hitting me hard on the back. Causing my full weight to fall forward. My head smacked the corner of the bedframe and I was out.

***

I awoke groggy, my head pounding, not sure what happened. Looking around I saw nothing. So I tried to get up. Realizing quickly that wasn't going to happen. I was tied to a chair. Tears forming in my eyes. He'd found me...

Then I noticed the bathroom door was ajar. He was there. I could feel it in my bones. Feel his grip on my skin, see that malicious smile. My heart started racing. Sweat dripping, hands shaking. I could feel the familiar pain in my chest as my breathing quickened and I grasped for air as it got harder to breathe. Eyes darting in every direction as panic filled my entire body.

"Alexandra, darling, breathe. It'll only get worse if you continue to panic."

My heart dropped. Staring at me, with a smile I could recognize a mile away, was him.

"Thomas...please." I uttered between raspy breaths.

A moment later he was in front of me, his hand caressing my face. I flinched at his touch.

"Do you know how long it took to find you," he put his face in my lap, "I was afraid I'd never see you again."

"That was the point." I spewed angrily.

His head shot up. Smile gone. He looked as if I'd just given him the worst news.

"How dare you say that? Don't you know how much I LOVE YOU!" 

His voice increased in volume so much he was yelling by the end. He'd grabbed my arms and shook me around. 

"You are MY wife. Look at what you're making me do! I had to look every where for you! You stupid ,ungrateful, bitch. I do everything for you! And this is how you repay me? By taking off and disappearing!"

I felt the sting of his hand against my face long before he made contact. He grabbed my hair, yanking so hard my head was thrown back. Through tear stained eyes, I pleaded with him.

"Thomas...please..., just let me go..."

His laugh cut right through me.

"Let You go? Oh, my darling, Alexandra, I will never let you go. Ever. Again." 

The menacing tone of his voice caused me to cry harder. I'd made it this far to end up here...Thomas having the power. He grabbed my throat so tight I could hardly breath and untied me. Pulling me to my feet, he got close enough that I could feel his breath.

"You are mine forever."

I cringed. He dragged me forward.

"I need you to pack your things. We're going home."

"Please, I can't...I can't breathe."

He let go, but turned me to face him.

"No funny business, Alexandra. You will pack and we will go. Or I'll have to hurt you."

I nodded and he released me. But never left my side. Scrambling, I rushed around grabbing my belongings. His body not a step away from mine. Bending down, to grab my bag, I realized the gun was still inside. I stood up. Not letting on I'd started forging a plan. With a gun I had a chance. 

Motioning to my bag, I asked if I could grab medicine for my head. He agreed, but eyed me with suspicion. Reaching in, I clutched the gun and slowly lifted my hand. A second later I dropped the bag, pointing the gun at Thomas, who was enraged and running towards me. Without hesitation, I pulled the trigger.

BANG! 

The same time I shot, Thomas snatched me up. Narrowly missing a bullet to the head. He threw me against the wall. Then pulled me up by my hair. I winced as he put his arm across my throat. I could feel my trachea being crushed. Tears blinding me, I held tightly to the gun he was desperately trying to take. Grunting in frustration, I saw the evil in his eyes as he backed away. The second I breathed, I felt his hand connect with my face and I fell over. I tried to cock the gun, but he stomped on my leg so hard I was sure it broke. I yelped, crumpling to the floor while his laughter broke my heart.

"Oh, Alexandra, look what you're doing to us. Look what you're making me do!" 

He was pacing now, one hand on his hip the other against his forehead. As if trying to decide what to do next while I laid in a ball whimpering. A few minutes later he'd changed completely. Anger vanished, replaced by the manipulating, apologetic, man I'd come to hate. He bent down to my level, wiped tears from my face, and hair from my eyes. I flinched and he smiled sympathetically.

"I can't let anyone have you. You have to be with me."

Taking a chance at getting through to this side of the man I once loved, I said what I knew he wanted to hear.

"Thomas, baby..."

He looked triumphant.

"I...I love you so much. You know that. I was scared."

"Darling, you don't have to be scared. I won't hurt you."

"I know baby, but my leg. I can't move. I need a doctor."

"I'll get you fixed once we get home."

I could hear anger building back up. I had little hope of getting away. Words weren't enough. I needed something more. So I leaned in. Using my free hand to grab the back of his head, I kissed him like my life depended on it. Because it did. He pushed forward, kissing back, running his hands through my hair. Moving, I slid my hand down his chest and over to the gun, slowly pulling back the hammer. It was so slow it hadn't made a sound, even as I released. Thomas was so lost in the moment, it wasn't until I pressed the gun to his chest that his eyes met mine with complete confusion...then anger.

"Alexan..." was all he muttered out before the bullet hit his chest. His eyes wide with shock as he fell back. The gun still pointing his way, shaking in my hands; which had turned white. I was breathing hard. Ears ringing. Then nothing.

Everything was still. Nothing but silence. I was free.