Ugh

CW: Mentions death

"Ugh."

"What?"

"I don't know. I can't say it aloud. My throat just closes off every time I try. You know the feeling?"

"No."

I groan and squeeze my eyes shut. Aren't counselors supposed to help with stuff like this? Not that this fraud really counts as a counselor. He's the old janitor, didn't even go to college, much less for psychology. He still smells like mold and week-old sloppy Joes.

I came to school today and found out that Mom called the admin and set up an appointment because she was "slightly worried for me". Whatever that means.

"Theo?"

I suck in a breath. Don't use my first name. Then I gag. He really does smell.

I open my eyes and take in my surroundings, even though I am already familiar with them. A dusty bookshelf is off to the left, filled with books that have never been touched, with titles such as The Teenage Mind and Unlocking Potential in Teens and Teaching Them How to Make the Best Use of It While Making Them Think You Had Nothing to Do With It! (Version for Dummies, Vol. One).

A desk stands to the right, crammed tight with messy papers and other office supplies-- sharpies, clips and pens-- strewn haphazardly upon it.

I am sitting on a faded, uncomfortable chair that seems to be pretending to be plush but is really just creaky wood covered in fabric. In front of me is a small table which supports a globe so large I can barely see Mr. Janitor-Counselor, whose name I haven't bothered to learn, behind it.

It's plain Mr. J-C can't see me either as he cranes his neck and again says my name. "Theo."

"Kai."

"Your name is Theo, is it not?" His brow furrows in the small portion of his face I can see.

"I go by my middle name."

"Ah. I see. Kids these days."

"No... You don't understand."

"What don't I understand?"

"Ugh."

"Your throat close off again?" He smirks when I nod. "I don't believe you. I think you just don't want to be here."

He's not wrong, but my throat really is closing off. Why can't I ever express myself how I want to? I know exactly what I want to say, but I can never say it when I need to.

"Why don't you want to tell me what's wrong?"

"I do! I really wish I could fix it but... Ugh!"

"Let's try again. Back to my first question... Theo, er, Kai, does this 'mood' as your mother states... Does it have anything to do with your father?" His kindly brown eyes peer at me intently.

I flinch. "How'd you know about that?"

"I'm the counselor. That's my job."

"No, you're the janitor. You were pulled in here when Mom called and the school didn't want to tell her they'd been too broke to hire a counselor since 2011."

Mr. J-C shrugs. "I guess I just know things, then."

I sigh. Clearly he isn't going to tell me how he found out about Dad. "Yeah. It has to do with..." My throat struggles, but I push through. "Dad."

"There. See, that wasn't so hard. Now, this was... Five years ago, right? Forgive me if this sounds rude, but isn't that time enough to heal, or at least to heal enough to make friends and start acting like yourself again?"

"Yeah. And it was fine. Until... Ugh!"

"Okay. I can see you were serious about your throat. I have an idea."

He walks over to the cluttered desk, and I can see that the back of his head contains a bald spot amidst his graying hair.

He returns with paper and a sparkly pink gel pen and shrugs apologetically. "Only one with any ink left."

Figures.

He hands the paper and pen to me and I take them somewhat suspiciously. "What's this for?" I ask skeptically.

"Write down what you feel."

"What?"

"Worked with my daughter when she was young. Maybe it'll work for you too."

"I'm not a girl."

"So? Still might help. Obviously I don't understand every facet of the opposite gender, but..."

"Fine."

I snatch the paper and pen.

"What do I even write?"

"Well... What's going on with your dad? Why does it suddenly hurt so badly again?"

I sigh and begin to write. The pen spreads nicely, I note, but the color is still horrid.

Mom's getting remarried. The guy's nice, but he's not the same. He's not Dad. I can't believe mom could fall for someone less than Dad was.

I hand the paper back to Mr. J-C. He peers at it and nods.

"You know, I once had something of the sort happen to me. My first wife passed away about twenty-five years ago now."

How old is Mr. J-C anyway?

"How'd you..." I reach for the paper and write, First wife?

He bobs his head. "I got remarried after about eight years. It was hard. I felt like I was betraying my Marie, but I knew she'd want me to be happy. Kai... Is that man making your mother happier?"

I nod reluctantly. Mom's more alive than she's been in years.

"Then that's what's most important, don't you think? He can never replace your dad, but maybe he can work within you alongside your dad."

I guess. I'll try. Thanks.

"Of course. Now... Another thing, why don't you want to be called by your first name? Was it your father's?"

Yes. I feel like I don't deserve to carry it. He was a much better man than I'll ever be.

Mr. J-C's eyes crinkle in the corners as he smiles sadly at me. He picks up the globe and gently sets it on the floor, and stares at me intently.

"Theo. Being a good man doesn't come naturally. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. God created people to be imperfect, and that imperfection is beautiful. It is what allows us to grow, to become good people. No one is born that way."

He says it with such ferocity, such belief. And I find myself believing his words myself. Tears well up in my eyes. I try to squeeze them back in, but one rebel drop splashes onto my face.

"Thank you." I whisper, so softly I think he doesn't hear, but Mr. J-C nods at me again.

I shake my head to clear it. "Mr. J-C, you're pretty cool. I thought this was gonna suck, but..."

Mr. J-C smiles. "Let that be a lesson to you, Theo. Never judge a person or a situation by its cover. It may surprise you."

My phone buzzes. Mom's here to pick me up.

I stand and give Mr. J-C a salute. "Thanks, Mr. J-C. Hopefully I'll see you soon. Good luck with everything."

Mr. J-C salutes back. "Of course, Theo. And you as well."

I turn away and begin walking out of the office.

"Theo?"

"Yeah?"

"How did you know my name? Josh Carter. How'd you know? I never told you."

I recall his words from earlier.

"I guess I just know things."

Mr. J-C grins at me. "Goodnight, Theo."

"Goodnight."

I walk out of the office feeling a huge weight off my shoulders. Mr. J-C surprised me. Maybe mom's new husband will too.