Blinking Lights

“Careful, it’s still pretty hot. It took forever to dissolve.” I blew the steam away from the rim of my own mug, only for it to return a moment later to once more fog my eyeglasses. She nodded with a small smile, that same faraway look in her eye remaining from before as she moved her gaze to the blinking lights on the tree.

“It’s beautiful. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help,” I muttered.

“It’s fine. I think it helps knowing I won’t have to take it down later. Suppose there’s a lot of perks to this, after all…” 

“Think the kids had a good day?” I asked and immediately regretted it as the lump formed in my throat at the thought. I could tell she also felt her own twang of pain at my words with the glistening of her eyes. 

“Yeah… yeah, I’m sure they loved every moment. Sue… she loved the doll. And Benny went to bed cuddling that game controller.” She forced a laugh and briskly wiped the falling tears with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. 

“Did they fight it too much?” I carefully proceeded. More tears fell, but she had given up wiping them away.

“A little. I could have really used your help.”

“I… I know. I’m sorry. I just…”

“You don’t think it was hard for me, too? None of this makes any goddamn sense!”

“Char - settle down, you’ll wake -” I stopped speaking right after the words slipped from my lips. She gave me a justified glare. 

“I couldn’t watch. You know that.”

“Yeah.” She sighed, exhaling her anger. “Yeah, I know.”

We fell silent as the blinking lights overtook our senses. If only for a moment, all was still and right and normal. If only for a moment, we were simply husband and wife on a cold December night enjoying a hot mug of cocoa after a bittersweet whirlwind of a day. It was bliss. Heartbreaking, painful bliss. 

“What do you think it will be like?” She whispered hoarsely, bringing the mug closer to her lips but not taking a sip. Not yet. Neither of our drinks had been tasted just yet.

“NASA says we’ll likely lose power first. There was talk of companies just shutting it all off at midnight anyway, but I reckon it doesn’t really matter if they do or not.”

“I was gonna say, what difference would that make? Not like they need to conserve energy or protect breakers anymore,” she giggled at the ridiculousness. I laughed, as well.

“Right. Just a bunch of greedy bastards to the very end.” 

“Well, there’s another bright side - no more bills!”

“No more bills, or shoveling snow, or warming the car to drive to work!”

“No more grocery shopping!” 

“No more student loan or mortgage payments.”

“No more homework… no more -”

Charlotte broke down into a rare fit of sobs, setting her mug on the couch side table with a thunk. I set mine down next to hers and wrapped my arms around her tightly. 

“This is a mistake! It has to be! What if it just flies past us and this was all for nothing? What if -”

“It’s not a mistake. It’s been watched and analyzed for over a year. This is it… this is just how it is.”

“Then, what’s the point? What was ever the point?” She buried her face into my chest, my heart breaking with every gasp and bone-aching wail. What could I possibly say that would help? What could I do to ease the uncertainty when I was just as lost in this darkness? 

After a few minutes, she sniffled and pulled back from me, as if she had a realization of understanding. Or perhaps - more than likely - she discovered that I too was as helpless as anyone else, and heartache was a commodity we no longer could afford.

“You believe what they said is true, that it will be fast?” She asked. I nodded.

“We won’t know any different. We’ll likely just evaporate. It’ll be fast.”

The tension was thick, but oddly comfortable.

“It just seems so… I don’t know. I know I said I’d be calm today, but it still feels like a bad dream,” she sighed again.

“I think that’s pretty natural, considering everything.”

“You know… it’s not too late -”

“Char -” I stopped before another word could escape, her eyes burned into mine with a resolve that told me everything that I needed to know.

“I know it’s dangerous, but if there is even the slightest chance they could be right, we literally have nothing to lose!” She urged on the edge of frantic. 

“We’ve discussed this a million times! There will be gangs stationed on every road. We’ll never make it. Your sister’s house is forty-five minutes away on a good day. Besides, we agreed the Doomsday Preppers exist in denial. Even if we somehow managed to get there in one piece, do we really want to spend our last few hours cramped up tight in a bomb shelter with who knows how many other people? The asteroid will collide with the planet and nothing will be left. We agreed that we would spend our day together, on our own terms.” I calmly responded. The last thing I wanted was to argue during our final moments. 

“We owe our children any inkling of a chance at survival!” she declared. I had once greatly admired her tenacity. But tonight of all nights, I only wished for her to give in to reason.

“Let’s say they did survive and somehow the planet isn’t completely obliterated. What are we giving them? A crumbling world no longer suitable to support life? Staying put and letting them sleep is the most humane solution. We agreed.”

“Humane… you sound like we’re putting down a sick old dog! They’re five and six, for Christ sake!” She lashed out, but not a moment after she spoke I watched as the tears once more began to stream down her cheeks. 

“I wish… I just wish we would have known sooner. Before bringing them into this disgusting world. Before… before we built a life worth saving.”

“Do you regret it?” I asked. Her eyes glistened again with the illumination of the Christmas lights.

“Not for a minute,” she breathed with a smile.

I queued up our wedding song playlist, the familiar instrumentals feeding through our surround sound speakers. I watched her surprised recognition melt into another smile before I stood and pulled her to her feet. For what seemed like forever and only a minute, we swayed together to the melody and those blinking lights. I wanted to live within this single frame in time for eternity - the smell of her hair, the warmth of her skin, the softness of her sweater - I wanted this to be the memory I carried from this world into whatever awaits me in the next. 

And as if the universe sensed the finality of the last refrain of the classic march we had selected as our first dance during our reception, the electricity flickered out. The only light came from the screen of my phone, playing a song inaudible without connection to the speakers. I brought her close, as tightly as I could manage without the fear of hurting her. She shivered violently against me.

“I’m so scared,” she whispered, and with this revelation I kissed her forehead. 

“You know… I think our chocolate is cool enough now,” I whispered back. 

We each carefully moved back to the couch, sitting side by side with that dim cell phone light giving us just enough visibility to see each other. I passed her mug over and then gripped my own. 

“It took the kids about ten minutes to go… think we’ll last that long?” She wondered.

“The package says to expect any time between five to thirty minutes after consumption.”

“God, I hope I’m not awake when it happens.”

“I suppose we should go ahead and drink it, then…”

I couldn’t help but feel a wave of panic building within myself at what I was preparing to do. Human resolve will do whatever it can to preserve life whenever threatened, and every fiber of my being tensed at the desire to throw the mug far away. Instead, I closed my eyes and before allowing another thought to cross my mind, I drank every drop of the lukewarm, bitter chocolate. I opened my eyes in time to see Charlotte’s mouth agape, eyes wide.

“You did it.”

“It’s not too bad. There’s still chunks of the tablet at the bottom that didn’t dissolve completely. Reckon it was never meant to be mixed with hot chocolate powder, but they didn’t say anything about how you’re supposed to take it,” I said. 

“I… I can’t do this!” She tried to hand me her mug.

“Char, it’s going to be okay! We’re almost there. We’re just going to sleep. It’s -”

“Goddamn it, we’re poisoning ourselves! I… I poisoned my babies. You just drank poison!” She stood abruptly, panic and anxiety overwhelming. 

“Don’t you see how insane this is?! What if we kill ourselves and this was all some government conspiracy to thin out humanity? What if this was just a horrible trick to scare us all into giving in to the paranoia. Oh my God, I murdered my children! And now… now I’m going to lose you!” 

She was inconsolable. Her mug had long since broken, the contents soaked into the carpet. Something deep inside told me to expect this. After all, her beautiful tenacity was truly what made me fall in love with her. In the midst of her internal storm, I swept and covered her with a blanketing fog, once more embracing my beloved. I kissed her. I assured her that we were together and would remain so. That our children were safe, and so was she. Over and over I repeated these words that eventually the light on my cell phone’s screen timed out, leaving us within complete darkness. 

I had hoped my words would overlap the sound of the safety being released, but that would be overstepping my boundaries of praying for miracles. She froze against me, exhaling a small squeak before the ear-shattering blast of my handgun against her temple brought her body to collapse. I never allowed her to hit the floor. Instead, I swooped her form into my arms and carried her bridal-style to our bedroom, my eyesight finally adjusted enough to faintly see the outlines of the walls and furniture. 

The children slumbered eternally in our bed, as if they had simply crawled in during the night to join us due to nightmares of the boogeyman lurking within the shadows. I carefully laid Charlotte next to Sue. How peaceful they looked tucked into the comforter together. I took my place right next to my wife, still so warm. I hoped that sleep would come quickly - quicker than my conscience could possibly catch up to me for what I had done. I knew within my soul that I had done the only thing I could to ensure we left this world together - safe and sound and together. 

And sleep wasn’t coming. Charlotte’s blinking lights danced behind my lids as her corpse grew cold beside me. I knew the children had long since forfeited their own warmth. The scent of blood made my stomach churn into nauseated knots, but I dared not to move just in case the end decided to happen during the moment I left the bed to eject what contents I had within. I decided to pray, at first internally and then shouts to the dark ceiling above. Let it end - let it end! 

Did God answer me personally? That, I suppose, I’ll never truly know. At first I was convinced daybreak had occurred as light poured into the bedroom windows, dim and ever-growing into that of fire. Great bright fire - brighter than anything I had ever seen in my life. Not even closing my eyes and covering my head with the comforter hid the brightening light. And then came the burning. Boiling flesh, horrendous pain. Thoughts of the instantaneous end that was assured by scientists played on a loop within my cognizance before memories of my final waltz with my beloved Charlotte pushed forward. The final waltz with the blinking lights, brighter than the sun and engulfing as the end of a world deserving of nothing less.