Tutus Forever

This story, told from the perspective of a young child, explores themes of accidental death, grief, and hope through the lens of faith. While written with care and innocence, it may be emotionally difficult for some readers.

I think about my mommy a lot. She was so pretty. I miss her every day. The last time I saw her, I didn't mean to make her so sad.

She was excited to try out the new bobbycue grill Nana gave us. I was playing beside her in the backyard, waiting for my daddy to get home from work.

Some days Mommy wished Daddy would hurry and get his butt home because she needed a break. I wished he would hurry and get home too. I loved my daddy.

The grass was itchy on my legs, and ants kept crawling on my feet. But I’d rather have the ants outside than inside. It was pretty how the sun made Mommy’s hair shine. It was red like the strawberries on her apron.

Our backyard smelled like cut grass, and something stinky. Mommy said an animal must have died in the woods. I liked the animals. Deer, squirrels and bunnies visited all the time. Bunnies were my favorite. I didn’t want to see a dead one.

Mommy was too sick to play that morning, so we played outside all afternoon. We had a princess tea party. We drew pictures. We even laid on our backs and looked for pictures in the clouds. I found a ballerina with a tutu. “No surprise there,” Mommy said and laughed. We used to shout, “Tutus forever.”

Mommy said that was our thing.

While Mommy was getting the food ready, my dolly wanted to dance on the table. She was a ballerina, just like me. When she tried to spin, she knocked over a bowl of something Mommy put on the meat. Mommy called it Marynade. It was not like lemonade. I liked lemonade, but I didn't want that on my meat either.

I could tell she was upset, but she didn't yell or spank my bottom. She just took a deep breath in and out and cleaned it up. I felt bad for making her do more work. Sometimes she got so tired and said, “I was a handful.” It seemed like one of those days when she needed a break.

I wanted to give her one, so I went to innertain myself. That means play by myself without asking too many questions or getting on her nerves. At the back of the yard I saw a splash in the pond and went to see what it was. Sometimes the neighbor’s cat tried to go fishing in the pond. Daddy said something mean and a bad word about that cat. I knew he didn’t mean it.

He had put pretty orange fish in the pond. I think he called them toy fish, or something like that. Boy, they liked to be fed. Sometimes before he fed them, Daddy would stick the tip of his finger in the water and they would bite at it. It was funny.

I walked past the big tree that drops the mean spiky balls, and the little stone bunny that never moves. The pond had flowers around it, the kind with bees in them. I was brave, though. Daddy used to shake his finger and say, "Baby girl, if you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone." So, I left them alone.

I wanted to play with the fish like daddy, so I got down on my knees and put my finger in the water. Just like he did. Pretty soon, one of the fish bit at it. It didn’t hurt, but it scared me. When I tried to jump back, I slipped and fell in. The water was cold. Not like icy water from the fridge, but a lot colder than my bath water.

I didn’t like water in my face. It always hurt my eyes. When I fell, I went all the way under. I held my breath like daddy taught me at the pool, but I got scared and tried to scream for Mommy. That was bad. The water went in my mouth and my nose and all the way to my lungs. That’s where air is supposed to go, not water.

The water burned in my chest like that time I scraped my knee on the sidewalk. I tried to cough it out. When I did, more water just came in. I could see the toy fish under the water. They looked almost as scared as I was.

I knew my mommy would help me if I could just get out of the water, but I couldn't. It didn’t take long until everything went dark. I could hear the machine that put bubbles in the water, but I couldn’t see anything.

Soon, Mommy lifted me out of the pond. I heard her crying. "Madelyn, why?" she said. I couldn’t answer. Her body was warm. It felt nice while she was carrying me.

The next thing I knew, we were in Mommy’s van and she was driving really fast.

She never let me sit up front, but that day, I was in the seat beside her with my head in her lap. She was rubbing my hair and saying, "Hold on, Madelyn. We're almost there."

I was so cold and my head and chest hurt. Water was coming out of my mouth and nose. I couldn’t blow it out.

We must have hit something because I heard something like cookie pans banging together in the cabinet and the whole van shook like a shopping cart with a wobbly wheel.

She carried me into the 'mergency room and told the nurse I drownded. A really pretty doctor ran with me to a bed and started pushing on my chest. “Stay with me, pretty girl,” she said. I wanted to stay, but soon the lights faded again. I heard a machine beeping and Mommy say, "Wake up, baby, please. I love you.”

When the machine stopped beeping, she screamed, “Madelyn no…” She was so sad. I didn’t like it when Mommy was sad. Sometimes, it made me cry too.

Then, while the doctor and nurses were helping me, it got really quiet and I felt like I was floating. I could move again.

Wherever I floated to, it was dark. Not like scary, bedtime dark. It was fun dark, and there were lots of tiny lights. They sparkled like fairies from a movie Santa brought me. I knew I was going someplace new, but I wasn’t afraid.

In the distance, I saw a shooting star coming. It got bigger and bigger, and then it was right there. It wasn’t a shooting star after all. It was like a tunnel made of lights. I never saw such pretty colors before.

A man stood there like he was waiting for me. His smile was like warm sunshine. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, precious angel. I'm your grandpa." I didn’t really get to become an angel, that’s just something grownups say to little kids.

He picked me up and gave me a big, big hug. He said, "I've been waiting so long to meet you, Madelyn."

Mommy had his picture over the fireplace. He was her daddy, and he went to be with Jesus before I was born. Now he was here, and I loved him. He let me wear tutus every day. I even taught him to shout, “Tutus forever,” just like Mommy did.

It wasn’t long until I met lots of people. He said they were all family too. I even met some kids my age. We played and chased pretty blue flutterbys in the flowers. Heaven has lots of pretty flowers. And the best thing is, the grass isn’t itchy, plus no ants.

Grandpa told me Mommy was going to have my baby brother and a baby sister. He called them twins. I wish I could meet them. I love babies. I get to hold the babies here sometimes. The angels sing them lullabies. Their songs are almost as pretty as the ones Mommy sang to me.

One day, while we were playing, Grandpa introduced me to a man. His name was Nathaniel and he got here the same day I did. He used to be a police officer in Bluefield. That’s where I was from too. Now he was waiting to see his sister. He said she was really sick, but God was letting her come for a visit. I wanted to meet her so grandpa let me stay and watch.

We knew everybody's name as soon as we saw them. Grandpa smiled and said, “It’s just a Heaven thing.”

When she came, I recognized her. She was the same pretty doctor lady from the 'mergency room. Her name was Noah. That was a pretty name. My room had all kinds of Noah’s ark decorations, but she was a different Noah.

Nathaniel called her Nosey. Grandpa said that didn’t mean she got into stuff she shouldn't. It was just a nickname. It still made me laugh. She called him Nate. I guess that was his nickname. It wasn’t as funny.

At first, she was happy to see him, but she got upset when he told her she couldn’t stay. I think she even said a bad word, like daddy when he was working on the lawnmower, but God still had things for her to do on Earth.

When she saw me, she recognized me too, then started crying and fell down on her knees. She said, "I'm so sorry, Madelyn, I tried. Please forgive me."

I didn’t know why she was so sad, or why I should forgive her. She tried to help me.

She told Nate she didn’t want to go back. She missed him too much. I missed Mommy and Daddy too, but Grandpa promised I would see them again really soon. I wanted to tell her she’ll get to see her brother again, but grandpa told me we should let them have their time together.

I didn’t want her to be sad, so I had Nathaniel tell her she could take care of my baby brother and sister when they get to Earth. That made her smile a little bit.

We all waved goodbye when she left. She still looked sad, even when Nathaniel said, "When you come back, we'll have a huge celebration."

We have lots of celebrations. Singing, praising God, and dancing. That’s my favorite part.

I can’t wait to celebrate with my mommy and daddy when they get here. I’ll be the first one to hug them and show them the flutterbys.

I sure hope Dr. Noah told them how much I love them.