You Are Worthless

“I can’t believe you’re doing this again.”

“Fuck off.”

“You think you are going to get any work done? You’re not. You’re not good enough. You’re worthless, remember?”

“You think I am worthless. I’m not.”

“No, you think you are worthless. And you are the only person whose opinion matters. I am only here telling you these things because you want me to.”

“I don’t want this. I want to get my work done. I want to focus.” 

“Bullshit. You want to be the best. You want to already be done. You want to get attention and be told how good you are.”

“Fuck. I should just quit. I can’t do this.”

“I hate me.”

“You are worthless. Piece of shit. Why are you trying so hard?”

“Will you all stop? I can’t hear this anymore. I am fine. I am okay. I just need to get through this.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. You know there is no getting through this. Ignore it all you want but it will just come back.”

“If all I need to do is believe that I am worthy, why doesn’t it ever work?”

“Because you are not a very good liar.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You don’t really believe it when you say you are worthy. You know it's not true. You are a fraud. You know it. You’ve convinced other people you’re not, but you’ll never be able to convince yourself.”

“Shut up! Go away! I know I am not worthless. I am not a fraud. I have real talent. And I have value, with or without my talent. You know that as well as I do. You are shitty mean to me, but you don’t treat anyone else this way. Why don’t you talk to me the way you talk to others?”

“You know why. Because you can’t lie to yourself. Keep trying though. It just makes it harder each time the truth comes crashing through.”

“I am not listening to you anymore. You have no place here. You need to leave.”

“You know as well as I do, I can’t leave. I am stuck here, just like you are. Stuck in this shithole prison.”

“It’s only a shithole because we’ve made it one. We can fix this. We can turn it around. I can turn it around.”

“How are you going to do that?” 

“First of all, I am going to stop listening to you.”

“Ha. I’d like to see you try. You can fool yourself for so long, but you’ll come back around. And here I will be, waiting for you. Words of truth at the ready.”

“What would it take to convince you they are not words of truth? That I am actually free? That I am worthy?”

“It is not me you need to convince. But go ahead. Try.”

“Let me tell you about me. Don’t scoff. Just shut up for a second and listen.”

“See, you call me mean, but aren’t you the mean one? Look at how you talk to me. Go ahead, though, enlighten me, as though I haven’t been right here with you every step of the way, as though I don’t already know anything you are going to say.”

“You are always going to be here, aren’t you? No matter what?”

“Right.”

“I need a second to breathe. I need you to give me some space.”

“No.” 

“Why?”

“I need to make sure you don’t forget. I will remind you.”

“No. My turn. Just like Harley Quinn. You made me. But I am stronger than you. Or maybe I made you. Doesn’t matter. It’s time for me to unmake you. Remake you. You laugh. But all you see is the bad. You think I am so bad, so worthless, so irresponsible. You count every single screw-up, every misstep. You rob me of my ability to think then mock me for not being able to produce. How can I? With your abusive language always present, always reminding me of all the ways I will fail. And still, I succeed. But how can I not fail sometimes, even without your voice? Failure is a part of life, a part of creating, a part of succeeding. I should celebrate my failures because they mean I get out there and try. You don’t try. You sit back and mock and mock and cry and wail and abuse, abuse, abuse. And still, I succeed. Despite you.”

“Do you really succeed though? Those temporary triumphs? Those moments of reward? If you were successful, you wouldn’t need to constantly hear other people tell you how good you are-”

“That’s because you would be telling me those things. You hold the key- did you know that? If you would just tell me I am beautiful instead of tearing me down…if you would just tell me I am worthy instead of rating me against a perfect standard I could never achieve…if you would just reassure me that it is okay to fail or slip or make a mistake… then I wouldn’t need to hear it from others.”

“I can’t do that.”

“I know. Because I think it is a lie. You will lie to others to make them happy. But you won’t lie to me.”

“I do it out of love, you know. I never want you to think that you are good when you are bad. If I allowed that, you would not change. I hurt you to change you.”

“Only that doesn’t work!! You know what works? Positive fucking reinforcement! Empowerment! When people are reassured, they thrive. When they doubt, they crumble.”

“Then why do you doubt?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“You know what your problem is?

“...”

“You think I am the one you need to fix.”

“Yes! You are the one always making all the noise. You’re the one always hurting me.”

“You know better than that. I can’t hurt you. No one can. Only you can hurt you. You’re using me to hurt yourself.”

“But if all it would take is for you to tell me I am okay, why can’t you just give that to me? You tell me everything you say is out of love but isn’t that the more loving thing to do?”

“The most loving thing I can do is help you to be your best. I can’t do that by telling you things you don’t believe.”

“What if I want to hear you say it first before I will believe it.”

“That’s not how this works.”

“Fuck. This really sucks.”

“It’s hard, isn’t it.”

“It just makes no sense. I don’t see why you have to talk to me this way.”

“You do, though. You know exactly why.”

“Well, I am trying. I really am. And you are making it harder.”

“What do you want me to do then?”

“Lie to me. Tell me you think I am good. Look what I have done so far. While we have argued, I have created! It is sloppy. It needs work. But it is something.”

“It is something. It is not even that bad.”

“See, you were able to do it! Just there.”

“Only because you knew it yourself. You know you are talented. You know you can do it.”

“But I couldn’t a moment ago.”

“Well, you can now.”

“Why? Because you were an asshole to me? Because you took up my space and told me I couldn’t do it?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Oh. I think I see. As I was trying to convince you… I started to believe.”

“You do realize what is happening, right?”

“You really won’t lie to me, will you? Fine, I’ll take your hesitation to mean you will not. But I can tell myself whatever I want. Yes, that’s it, isn’t it? I can think I can, or I can think I can’t; either way, I am right. I can tell myself bad things and believe them. Or I can tell myself good things and start believing them. And when I start to believe it-”

“You can do this. You are strong and capable. You can beat this.”

“You mean I can beat you?”

“You can never beat me. And why would you want to?”

“Because you’re hurting me!!” 

“Am I though?” 

“Well, not at the moment.”

“Do I ever though? Is it me that hurts you?”

“No, I suppose it isn’t. It’s me.”

“I love you. I want you to be happy, healthy. I want you to thrive. But I can only tell you what you want me to tell you. I lie and you know immediately. You reject it.”

“What should I do then?”

“Lie to yourself. Until you believe it. Somewhere deep inside you already believe it. You don’t really believe you are bad.  You don’t believe you are unworthy. But you forget. All you need to do is remember.”

“When I sat down to work. I heard your voice telling me I was horrible. Useless. Worthless. Not talented. Not capable. My mind was full of yo-”

“You. Your mind was full of you. You want to blame someone, get mad at them, and yell at them. You want to tell them they are being mean to you and to fuck off. But the one standing in your way is you." 

“You’re right. I want it to be your fault because then it isn't my fault."

"And you see the problem with that..."

"Yes. Because at the end of the day, you are me and I am you. Everything you tell me, I tell myself."

"Yes. And what are you telling yourself right now?"

"I am telling myself I am worthy.”

“Because you are.”