That Only Matters

‘Does everyone living in their present?’ I asked.

‘I don’t know about you but I am not and if you are in doubt whether you are or not there are some symptoms I can show you. Living in the past feels like you are continuously getting hit by the cyclonic wind and it is shattering everything that is stable in your life, it feels very cold, not only your body gets cold but your heart too’, I continued.

‘And what it is like to live in the future?’, she asked with a curious tone.

‘Well’, I replied with a hesitation in my voice, ‘ living in the future is like living with a filled cup and whole of your life, you are only figuring out what has filled that cup. Now, what do you think, are we on the same page’, I asked with a little fear in my eyes.

‘Well no’, she continued by looking at my disappointed face. ‘ I don’t like to flip pages, I write my story on the page that is open for me’. I was perplexed by her words, my body was saying it all and she might have felt this. She continued confidently, ‘well it is very easy to live in the present, leave your past, you will not feel cold and instead thinking about the internal of that filled cup, empty it, which you can fill again’. As she finished she looked at my annoyed face.

‘It sounds easy, I yelled.

 I kept my pen down before she could say anything and went to bed. ‘Sometimes diaries are annoying’, I murmured. ‘ she is just laying down on the table all day, how could she know the amount of stress your past can give you’. I went to bed without even wishing her good night.

I suddenly woke up. It was still dark outside. I heard a voice in the corridor. I chased that voice and came out of my room, there was nothing other than silence of the dark. I could clearly hear my heartbeats. I headed back to my room. As I opened the door I entered a different place, it was not my room. It was very warm, like the mother’s lap. My eyes were busy exploring the surroundings, suddenly I heard a voice, ‘welcome my child’.

 I got startled and was in awe while looking at that person. Her appearance was really different. She wore a crown made up of beautiful yellow flowers and green leaves, her body was draped with such a long piece of green cloth that it is swaying over her shoulders, she wore many ornaments in her waist, wrist and neck similar to Hindu goddesses along with a cross necklace. She seems like the queen of that place but her face seems familiar to me.

I said, ‘ H…H…Hello! My name is’.

 ‘I know’, she cut my words and said. ‘I also know you are unable to live in the present’.

I wondered who might have told her. She won’t do such things or will she. She was looking at me while expecting an affirmation. I nodded my head up and down as a yes. I was still in surprise and couldn’t figure out where I was.

 ‘I will help you’, she said. I was perplexed by her words. She really might be a deity, I thought, otherwise who else could turn back the time.

She did some hand gestures and pointed towards her left. I moved my head in the same direction. There were two identical big doors in front of me.

‘These are not the simple doors that you are thinking about, they are time travel doors’, she said. ‘You can go to your past if you open the left door and the right door will take you to your future, but only in one condition, you have to give me a reason of your choice’, she continued. She got silent after giving me the whole instructions.

‘I will choose the left one’, I said after getting my calculations done. I continued with my reason, ‘ My mother always says to me, you are the sole creator of your future and no one has the dare to shape it’.

‘Do you believe her?’, she asked. I was startled by her sudden question. It seemed like I was caught off guard. ‘ well from now onwards’, I said. I thought, if I could change my past, I will get to live in the present. She laughed. ‘whatever your choice is, I believe in you’, she said with an affectionate smile.

I open the left door and it took me to my room. It felt different. It was freezing similarly as the cyclonic wind. It was the same night whose memories still bothers me a lot. I was nervous but this was my only opportunity to put everything in the right place. I saw myself coming out of shower and as usual I picked up my phone to check the messages that I was expecting. There was none. I looked at my face, it was tired and pale. I whispered at my ears, ‘give them one more chance’.  I texted them (ex friends).

I get back to my present through that door. I laid on my bed, my eyes were focused on the ceiling fan, which was moving slowly. My mind was still thinking about tomorrow, whether I will be able to live in the present or not.

Next day I was energized but nervous. Then I got a call from them. They asked me if I can join them for movies. I got excited after hearing that. I said yes to them and got relieved that I made a correct decision. I was excited, my feet were dancing all along the way. They were there, waiting for me. I was happy to see them after so long but they weren’t, maybe because it was me who had time travelled. For them it was just a normal day. I got little anxious at this thought. They asked me to buy the movie ticket for everyone. I was really doubting my decision at that time. I said I can’t afford everyone’s ticket. They laughed at me and told me to get lost from there unless I have enough money for their expense. It was not new for me but my heart had gone down to abyss, because I tried to believe in that illusion which will never change despite of time travelling. I ran away. I was crying at my decision.

Suddenly that deity appeared in front of me. I yelled at her, ‘why you said you believe in me, you knew this will happen, you should have stopped me’. The tears were still rolling down my cheeks. 'I still believe in you, but you don’t and you didn’t, she said in a calm voice. 'Changing your past doesn't mean everyone else's past would change', she continued. I was crying continuously. I was still regretting that past when I made that decision. 

After sometime everything got blurry, I wiped my eyes and found myself on my bed. I was confused on what was going on. It was still dark outside and everything in my room was as it was. My diary was also in it’s place.

‘I saw a dream last night’, I said to her. ‘I met a strange person’, she was listening to me silently.

‘What did that person say to you’, she asked.

‘That person offered me an opportunity to change my past and it got worst. That was my worst decision ever. I am relieved that it was just a dream but it felt so real’, I replied to her.

‘But her face seemed to be so familiar, maybe, she was looking like me, she was my soul, I guess. That’s why she said, she believes in me whatever decision I take. Now I know what you wanted to say by it’s easy to live in the present. Sticking to the past will surely destroy your present, it’s much better to leave it and let it rest in peace.

 After sometime I continued, ‘and I have already emptied my cup’. She smiled at me. I was feeling glad by having her by my side.

 ‘And I believe in myself’, I said to my soul.

‘your past does not define your future’ but your present does.