Last Goodbyes

My husband stands obliviously with his back to me, as I read the letter taken from the mailbox. I would recognize that handwriting anywhere.

“Dear Antionette, how can I forgive myself after all that happened between us? I wanted to show you who I really was, I wanted you to see the real me. So, I determined to face your inquisitiveness head on. When you asked me why I am always so late out of bed, I told you the truth. That I was tethered to this game that demanded my time and effort each day. That I was essentially living another life that I never shared with you. I did not see this as an obstacle between us, in fact I had hopes that you would join me. Together we could have conquered that virtual world. You know, I even heard of a couple in Korea that got married in one of the games gothic churches, and yes, I will admit that I thought that maybe one day, we could have done the same as them.”

I glance up at George, tirelessly washing dishes, absorbed in his work, then return my attention to the letter.

“But as it was, you were not pleased. You wanted me to choose between you and the game. And here is where I infinitely regret the choices I made. I chose the familiar world that nurtured me for so many years. I chose the friends that I had made, struggling through challenges. Yes, I loved that game, and I was afraid of losing everything I held dear to myself.

So, I pushed you aside. But I must tell you, I have changed. I have finally severed my connection to that unreality, and now I am left with a void of loneliness and yearning that only you can fill. My darling Antionette, I want you, and I am sorry that it took me this long to realize it. Please, if you still hold a spark of feeling towards me, meet me at the Emerald café this Friday night, and give me one more chance.

I still remember our first kiss, that rainy afternoon we spent in your apartment. I’d wanted to kiss you long before it came to pass, but perhaps it took the floodgates of heaven to open for such a momentous step to be taken. Don’t let our time together be for nothing.

Yours forever,

Arthur.”

Wow. Arthur always was melodramatic, and this letter reeks of it. But I stop myself from immediately mocking him. Yes, he was a big nerd, but he had heart. And when I think about it, I think he sincerely loved me. But he made his choices, and I made mine. It’s been years since we said our goodbyes, Arthur for his game, and me for whatever it was that was more compelling than joining him slaying monsters and collecting loot.

George and I have been together for 16 months. Dependable, rock steady George. I work in my job as a registered nurse, while George plugs away in Aged Care. I force myself to look at him again. He is humming Earth Wind and Fire’s September, and making steady progress on the dishes. I quietly fold the letter and slip it into my pocket, before padding silently behind George and giving him the biggest hug I can manage. While I embrace him, I think about Arthur, wondering how he would feel if never show up at the Emerald café.

Do I owe him a face-to-face meeting? I am not the sort of girl to believe I owe anyone anything, but Arthur was my first love, and we had some good times together. I recall that he had ambitions to become a professional illustrator, and he drew all the time. He used to like drawing me, and he did that many times, wanting to use my likeness amongst his many fictional characters to tell stories.

Arthur had a way of drawing people in. His passion, his endless dreams. I used to love that about him. But now, years later, I wonder if I could ever trust a man who chose a fantasy world over me. I clearly remember the day when I gave him my ultimatum, and he chose his game. “I’m sorry Antoinette,” he had said, “but I can’t just discard something that has moulded me and shaped me for so many years.”

Was it right for me to make him choose? Why didn’t I just accept it, or even join him? I guess I’ve never liked the way computer games take up so much mental space, while being so worthless in reality. They don’t train any skills that are useful in the real world. And, case in point, they are so addictive, addictive enough to cause one to abandon their partner to chase fantasies.

But although he hurt me, I did love Arthur. We used to hang out at the library, I would study for my university degree, while he would work on his drawings. We would sit in silence, each absorbed in our work, but still we were keeping each other company. Those times I felt we had a connection to each other.

Still hugging George, I hear him speak. “Is everything alright my love? You’ve been silent since you brought that letter in.”

Feeling the sting of guilt, I answer him. “Oh, uh, yeah… I just got a letter, from an old boyfriend. Did I ever tell you about Arthur?”

George is silent for a moment before answering. “You did. Thank you for telling me, if you don’t mind my asking, why did he write to you now? What does he want?”

“I don’t think he knows that you and I are married, and he was hoping to meet up and restart the relationship.” I pause for a moment. “George, would you mind if I at least wrote him back?”

George considers this, his face marred with lines of worry, but then I see him relax and smile. “You’re always so considerate, Anton. That’s one of the things I love about you. Go ahead and write him back.”

“I’ll tell him about us, how much you mean to me. I’ll congratulate him for quitting that game he used to play so much, and ultimately, I’ll tell him goodbye.”

George turns around and kisses me. “I trust you, honey.”

Yes, I’ll admit that I felt tempted by that letter, but I am not heartless enough to leave George for an old flame, even if I can appreciate Arthur in ways that are different to how I love George. They are two different souls. I sincerely hope that Arthur will find someone to fill that void left by leaving his game behind, or will he go back to it when he gets my letter? Maybe that’s what I’ll put in my letter, some encouragement for him to push forward and make the most of his new found freedom. As I think about what I will write, I realize I want to say more than just goodbye. I want Arthur to find the peace and love he couldn’t find with me. Only then can we both lay the past to rest.