Numb

The numbness surrounds me like a blanket, but this blanket is not comforting. On the contrary, this blanket restricts my every movement, my every thought. No, this is not a blanket, this is a straight jacket. I can feel myself ebbing away, losing the strength to fight the tight grip of depression. A sudden sadness envelops me: will I ever be free of this? It is immediately flushed away by the tiredness that takes its place. I'm tired of being tired.

I look at my computer screen and try to focus on the words swarming across the screen, I'm reading them but none of them seem to sink in. I sigh. This is impossible, I'll work on the assignment later. I stand up and walk to my sofa, I plonk myself down in the comfortable position of a fetus and turn on the tv. What should I watch? This? No, it's boring. How about this? No, that's boring as well. Do I feel like watching a romantic movie? NO, why would I rub my loneliness in my own face? Whatever, this looks okay.

I start the film. Turns out it's an inspirational film, huh. I watch the man on the screen struggle and cry as he loses his job, his house, his family and his will to live. No emotion registers inside of me. I stare at the screen blankly as he begs for money and jobs on the street, as his life crumbles onto him, as he barely holds onto life. Then things start to change for him, I am still emotionless as his life starts to build itself up again, he starts to work hard with the little he has and manages to get himself a job, little by little he saves enough money to buy himself a house again. He starts getting promotion after promotion until his life is steady again and he is richer than ever. As expected the film ends with his life at its best, he has his family back, a beautiful house and is immensely rich and happy. I turn off the tv. I sit there thinking about what I just watched, 'pathetic' I think.

That's not how life works, if it was I wouldn't be here right now. I look at the time, crap, I should have finished that assignment by now. I rush to my room and find myself staring at the meaningless words on the screen again. I rub my face with my hands, I just can't find it in me to finish this report. I end up handing in a half-arsed report, I'm not proud of it but I can't do any better right now.

I end my day by reflecting on how disappointing my life is and how little time I have. I promise myself to do better tomorrow.

The day after I do the same routine if not worse, the same goes for the day after and the day after that. A month goes by and I'm the same, numb, lifeless person I was a month ago. My brain is constantly dimmed by an endless fog. It is impossible to concentrate on the simplest tasks, I have at least 100 cuts on my hands acquired while cutting bread. I don't eat much, my meals consist of pretty much only bread and cheese, and that is only when I can bring myself anywhere near the kitchen. I would be scared that I didn't feel anything everytime I cut my hands but, similar to how I can't feel the sting of a knife, I can't seem to generate emotions. I would say it's scary but, well, you know...

My phone vibrates as I'm procrastinating in front of the screen, well, not really: procrastinating connotes that I'm actually busying my mind with something. It's my boss, I answer the phone.

"Sir?" I try to insert any kind of emotion into my voice.

"Katya!" He sounds angry.

"Is there a problem sir?"

"Are you serious? Are you even aware that we lost a potential client because of that half-arsed report you handed in?"

"Oh... I'm sorry sir," I wish I actually was.

"This is so not like you Katya!" He seems worried.

"I know sir, I'm sorry," I can't bring myself to give him the empty promise of 'I'll do better'.

"This is the fifth time in three months that your work hasn't gotten anywhere near what's expected of you! Tell me Katya, what would you do if you were in my shoes?"

"Ummmm," I don't want to give him any ideas of what I know might happen, it's funny, I know it's gonna happen if I don't work harder, so why am I not working harder?

"I'm going to give you one more chance because I have seen you at your best and I know that you are a powerful asset, use this chance well Katya. You only get one shot at life, you know? Anyway, I have to go, good night."

"Good night sir," a tear silently makes its way down my face.

The phone drops to the floor, surprise rises up inside of me, and then shock. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed. Then, just as suddenly as it came, all trace of emotion disappears.But this time it's different, this time I can still see it, distant, but it's there. A small smile creeps onto my face, it slowly grows bigger and bigger until all my teeth show. I CAN FEEL AGAIN!! I feel like jumping around my flat but I’m suddenly tired again. I should lie down now, yeah, I did enough for today……”NO”. The voice startles me, I’ve never heard before. I’m used to the soothing voice in my head, the one that tells me to ‘lie down’ and ‘do the work later’. This voice came from somewhere else, this voice seems to have come from my chest, I snort at the idea, I embarrass myself. I stand up to go plonk myself in front of the tv when I hear it again: “no, please don’t…..” It’s weaker now, as if it exerted all its forces to get itself finally heard for the first time. This time I’m sure I heard it, it's troubling me. I search it up on the internet. A few sites pop up, they are all spiritual. I sigh and click on one of them. 

A few hours later I finally take my eyes off the screen, I never noticed how sore they were before. My thoughts are churning, I read about the voices inside of us, the ones that lead us to the bad decisions and the ones that warn us. Turns out the soothing voice was the ‘bad’ one, while that brief exclamation I had heard seemed to be described as the ‘hearts voice’. I started reflecting on it, could it be true that I had been listening to my brain’s voice suffocating my heart’s voice all this time? Could it be true that the reason I found myself in this void was that I had been listening to wrong advice? My eyes widen at the thought of my depression being linked to my inability to hear my heart. I think back to the film, my heart implants a seed into my head. It was just a seed, and yet it starts to sprout. A sweet seedling, healthy and strong. 

As weeks go by I start to quieten my brain, it’s not easy, not one bit. But I slowly manage to ignore it, even when I only manage to ignore it for 1 hour, I’m proud of myself. I start to smile more, I’m happier for longer periods of time, and even when I’m not, I’m still glad I can feel something. I’m grateful now, I don’t spend the few minutes before sleeping thinking about all the failure in my life, instead I think about all the stuff I have. Even with all that happening I still have a problem, even though my work has received more of my attention, it is still a long way away from being at the height it was before. Still, I’m happy, I don’t stress much, I know it takes small, consistent steps to get out of this black hole. 

That is my story, it’s still not perfect, but I’m getting there. I have a goal and I’m going to do everything it takes to get there, it doesn’t matter whether I take small or big steps because I know I’m going to get there one day. I’m listening to my heart now, I never knew how much I was missing out on, by looking at what I have and the bright side of my life I am slowly but surely getting my life back on track. Remember that movie? The inspirational one with the happy ending? Turns out it can happen in real life too, as long as you believe in happy endings, your ending will be whatever you choose it to be, even an unrealistic one.