Without You

How do I do this? How do I go on without you? It was supposed to be you. It was supposed to be me and you, together forever and now you’re gone. How do I get you back? I can’t, I can’t do any of this without you. How do I move? How do I get out of bed? My muscles have atrophied, and I have nothing left. The air feels hard to breathe. I want to take in the sweet, easy air but instead it is arid and dry and sharp, puncturing my lungs. Everything feels heavy. I can't get up. I don't want to. What do I have to get up for anymore? Where's the meaning of this? Where is the point of this? I can't get to it. I can't understand any of this. Why? Why couldn't you do it? Why couldn't you see past all of the noise? We were so good together. Easy. Free. Couldn't it be that way? Isn't that the way it is supposed to be when you're with someone you love? We could have survived the heavy. Don't you think? You didn't even give it a chance. I know it's scary. I know all the unknowns are overwhelming, but we could have faced them together. But you left. You quit. You gave up on us. I think I'm going to throw up. Seriously, I can't do this. We were good, it was all figured out. At least I thought it was. What happened? What did I miss? I know you still love me. How couldn't you? We were nothing but good. You know I would have supported you. That I could have handled the lifestyle. But you listened to them. You couldn't push past it, trust that we were better than anyone thought we could be. You succumbed to the noise, and I hate you for that. And now you’re gone. And I’m lost. I can’t do it. I won’t. I don’t want to. Come back to me. Please. I hate this. I hate this so much. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. When we stood in your living room, John Mayer playing in the background, eye to eye, we promised. You promised! Did that mean nothing? I hate you! I hate you for doing this to me. For crushing me. Oh, God, how am I going to do this? You're really gone. I have 200 wedding invitations sitting on our dining room table, ready to go out. Do I just throw them away like you threw away our future? I heard you skipped town like a coward. Took the plane to Switzerland or something, leaving me to clean up the mess. What happens when you have to come back? When you see me walking down Main Street? What are you going to do then? Look the other way like we're strangers? You can't just disappear and act like none of this happened. You have to come back and face me. Help me clean up this mess. Or let me guess, you'll just have your people take care of that. I should have known! Damnit, why did I ever trust you? Why would I have ever given you my heart? How could I have been this stupid. I'll never forgive you for this. How could you hurt me like this? You were my best friend. You are my best friend. We do everything together. What are you going to do now? Truly, what are you going to do? What is your plan here? What are we both supposed to do living our lives apart from one another? I'm the one that calls you at night and talks to you until you fall asleep. I'm the one that comes over and keeps you warm. No one else. That is my job. Please don't give that job to anyone else. It's mine. I want to love you forever. I want to build a life with you. The life we planned for. The white picket fence with the wrap around porch, our children running in the yard, little mini you's and mini me's. You are taking that away from me. I can't accept that. You can't really mean that you are done. You're scared and I get that. Just come back to me and we can talk it out. We will figure out how to live in each other's worlds. People do it every day. We won't end up like our parents. I promise we won't. I know you think that I can't do it, that I won't be a good, present wife or you think that I'll run but I won't. You're my person. All I want is you. That's all I've ever wanted. Come back and we can go slow. We don't need to rush into a marriage. I don't care about the ring or the piece of paper that says you're mine, I already know you are. If that is what you are scared of, we can wait. I just want you, in my arms. I want your warm body next to mine. I want your fingers caressing my hand like you do. I want to look into your eyes as you tell me your plans, your big, amazing plans. Why would you want to give that to anyone else? I don't understand. Help me understand, love. Weren't we good? Things were complicated, sure, but we are both strong people. We could have faced anything together. Don't you know that? I guess you don't. I guess I should have protected myself better from you, I gave you my whole heart and now it's crushed. I don't think I will ever be able to love someone like I loved you. I'm ruined. You ruined me. How could you do that to me, love? How could you do that to us? We were supposed to merge our lives together. We were supposed to promise each other forever. We were supposed to stand there and say “I do.”