The Lonely Price of Ambition

Olivia worked so hard. She woke up as early as the sun rose, was one of the first people at the office, one of the last to leave, and the only thing that granted her some reprieve was her husband. The only time she could relax was when she was sitting down for her evening meal with him.

Olivia was quite satisfied with her life, but she always felt that something was missing, and one day, she realised that what she was doing at work just wasn’t enough. She knew she would have to start spending a lot more time working, working even when she got home, poring over her notes, looking at it from different angles, finding new ways to delve holes into the other person’s argument, whether they were the prosecutor or the defendant. She had worked her butt off ever since finishing university, and 10 years later she still didn’t feel much more respected than when she had first started at the company as an intern. She wished she’d got to the stage where she was only picking cases she was truly passionate about; she had pictured herself running her own firm or making partner by this time in her career, but the reality was that she didn’t earn enough or have a high enough position of power within the company to be picky.

‘Everything okay, love?’

                 Jason brought her out of her deep thinking. Her mind often wandered into space, thinking about why she felt dissatisfied, of what more she could possibly do to get promoted and rise higher in Carlson & Jones. She needed to think of something so that she would finally be able to wipe that smirk off her old law teacher. He was so arrogant, but he was still the type of person you wanted to impress.

                 ‘Yeah, fine,’ she said.

                 ‘You look exhausted. Are you ready to come to bed?’

                 ‘I’d love to, but I can’t. I’m no further than I was when I came home five hours ago, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong! I can’t-’ She burst into tears.

                 ‘Hey,’ he said gently, hugging her. ‘You’ll get a fresh head in the morning. Come on,’ he said.

                 She wanted to go with him. Really she did.

                 But she couldn’t.

                 She wiped her eyes quickly. ‘‘I’m sorry. See you in a bit,’ she said.

                 He sighed. He withdrew from her, and she caught his face just before he turned to go to the bedroom. She was shocked. He had looked at her with … distance. Coldness.

They had been married for 3 years. Maybe it was inevitable. Maybe she needed to make more of an effort. Organise dates, spend a bit more time with him, rather than working all the time.

She had always been like this. Even when they were dating. He organised all the dates, he was the one messaging. She had always been too wrapped up in her work.

                 But then, there was no way she would move up in her company if she didn’t work on her cases at home as well. She was sure she had cracked the code; figured out how everyone else was getting their work done at a considerable pace. So, what choice did she have?

                 She withdrew her gaze from the door as Jason left through it and took a deep sigh before trying to get back on with her work.

A month went by, and Olivia could feel herself getting less and less sleep and feeling groggier and more bloated. She had less time to make healthy, wholesome meals like she used to because she was working on her cases all day and night. If her grandma was still here, she would tell her that what she was doing wasn’t healthy, and deep down she knew her grandma would’ve been right. But she finally felt like she was getting more done, getting recognised; the hard work she had been putting in from the last decade was finally being seen. So it couldn’t be that unhealthy if it was helping her in her job. Could it?

                 Olivia was sat in a coffee shop with her friends from university; Bridget, Penelope and Willow. She had tried to ignore their messages about a catch up, but after a week of them badgering her, and after an in-person visit from Penelope, she had reluctantly agreed to meet up with them for half an hour during her lunch break. They used to meet up very regularly, but in the past few years, it had dropped to once a month. Olivia was still surprised at Bridget’s pure will to arrange regular meetings that aligned with everyone’s schedule. That girl had always been a force to be reckoned with.

She looked down at her watch. 20 minutes since she had been away from her desk. How soon would she be able to get back? Every minute away was another minute wasted. She wouldn’t get through all her cases if she took much more of her lunch break. Oh, why did she agree to this?

                 ‘Liv, did you just hear me?’

                 She shook herself from her thoughts. ‘Sorry, Bridge, what did you say?’

                 ‘I said, do you still drink coconut lattes?’

                 ‘Yes- um, actually, I’ll just have a decaf Americano, thanks,’ she said. She needed a big caffeine hit that kept her tied to her desk for hours.

                 ‘Are you sure? I’m paying.’

                 ‘Yes, I’m sure. Thanks.’

                 She sat at the table that Penelope and Willow had picked, and tried to keep her mind on the conversation, but her eyes kept gazing at her law building across the street.

                 Bridget walked over with the coffees. Olivia stayed just long enough for her to finish her coffee.

                 She took the last gulp and stood up. ‘Thanks, girls, nice to catch up, but I’ve got to go now. See you next month?’

                 She whizzed out of there faster than they could reply. All she heard behind her was ‘she’s crazy’ and ‘she needs to quit that job’. But she blocked out her emotions as she rushed back to her office. She had already been away for too long.

The better part of a year had gone since she had last seen her university friends, and she was slipping further and further away from reality. Subconsciously, of course she understood that she needed to do something about it, otherwise her life would fall apart, but she was so close to a promotion. She knew it. Once she got that promotion, she could work less. Have more of a life outside of work. So, the answer was simple. She just had to focus for a little while longer.

                 Olivia had been putting in the extra hours and her boss was finally appreciating it. Appreciating her. She knew she should have been satisfied by that, but she couldn’t, not until she made partner. She had decided that that was what she had been working towards her whole life.

                 ‘Olivia!’

She looked up from her notes from where she was sitting at the kitchen table. Jason was standing in front of her with a mad look on his face. Why was he looking at her like that again? Now she was thinking about it, she didn’t think she’d seen him happy for months.

‘What?’

‘I need to talk to you,’ he said.

‘So … talk to me.’

‘No, we need to sit down, away from your work. Eat dinner with me. Please.’

‘I can’t stop, I have lots-’

‘Oh my God, Liv, put your work down for one minute!’ He suddenly shouted at her, flinging his arms.

She flinched.

‘Sorry,’ he said, a lot more gently.

‘Fine. Let’s make it quick.’

He got food out of the fridge and put it in the microwave. Where had that come from? He must have made it yesterday, she thought.

He looked at her pointedly, so she huffed and plonked her notes down on the floor next to her.

She opened her arms. ‘Come on, then.’

He took a deep breath. ‘Let me just get it off my chest, okay?’ She frowned but kept her mouth shut. ‘I want a divorce.’

She did a double take. ‘Wait, what?’

‘You haven’t been making an effort since- well, ever, actually. But in the past year or so, you have hardly spent any time with me. We don’t go out together at all, we don’t do anything together, we don’t even eat our dinner together anymore. I have tried talking to you …’

His voice faded in the background as she thought about what he was saying. Of course she hadn’t been trying very hard, but once she made partner, she could spend time with him. She would finally be high up enough in the company, that she could relax. She just had to get there first.

He knew her ambition. Everything she had been working towards. If he loved her, surely he would understand that?

The only conclusion was that he didn’t love her. Maybe what he was suggesting, a divorce, was best.

He was still talking. She interrupted. ‘Fine.’

He stopped, but his mouth was still open. ‘What?’

‘I agree. Let’s get a divorce.’

‘Oh. Okay.’ He frowned. ‘I didn’t think you’d agree so quickly.’

‘No, it makes sense. I haven’t been trying, have I? I now understand why you can’t wait until I make partner, so I won’t make it a difficult battle.’

She thought a weight would lift from her chest, because she had made such a smart decision, such an adult decision, but somehow it felt heavier. She didn’t understand why. But what was the point in fighting it?

The microwave beeped and he jumped, startled. He turned around and she watched him, and she had the strangest feeling, like she was watching a stranger. What had happened?

He got his food out and grabbed a fork.

‘I’m sitting in the bedroom,’ he said, and he stalked out.

She felt incredibly guilty, but she realised it must be because she hadn’t done any work for the past 10 minutes. She picked up her work and got right back to it.

A few more months had passed, and Olivia was living in a flat share, alone again. It reminded her of her university days, except that she had lost Bridget, Penelope and Willow. It made her feel a bit low to think about it, but oh well, it was worth it to be made partner. Wasn’t it? She had been trying to convince herself of that every night. She could temporarily convince herself she was making the right decision, but as soon as she woke up in the middle of the night, she struggled to relieve the painful guilt in her chest.

She was working at her desk, which had gotten closer and closer to the top office where the Carlson of Carlson & Jones was working. Jones had died a year ago, and it was sad, but she knew that gave her an opening. She was ready for it.

A notification popped up on her computer and she clicked on it; it was an invite to her mum’s funeral. Her dad was organising it and her eyes filled up with tears as she remembered receiving the news just a few days ago. She quickly checked the date; three weeks from now, which was plenty of time to organise transport to travel back home. She would make it.

She sniffed and harshly rubbed the potential tears from her eyes. It was time to get back to work.

Olivia was sitting at her desk just a few weeks later, heart in her chest as she had been anticipating this moment since she realised it could become a reality. She’d had an interview to be promoted last week, and she was going to receive the email any minute.

                 Any … second …

Her computer pinged. Her leg jiggled up and down in anticipation. After a few moments, she clicked on it.

I’m pleased to tell you that you have received the promotion! Please move all your possessions into your new office on the 13^th floor as soon as possible.

Wow! She jumped out of her seat, beaming. She wanted to cheer, she wanted to celebrate! This was such an exciting moment. She had finally made it!

She grabbed her phone and instinctively clicked on her messages and then WhatsApp, and paused, frowning. It was as if she was about to tell Jason the good news and go onto the group chat to tell her friends. Her heart sunk a little.

                 Her computer pinged, and she saw she had received a notification from her personal email.

                 She clicked on it, and her heart sunk further. It was a reminder that her mum’s funeral was today. She had completely forgotten to go. She had been so wrapped up in her work that she had forgotten about it the day after the message.

                 She slowly grabbed her things, which barely filled one cardboard box. She pressed the button in the lift to go to her new office, and when she stepped out onto what she had worked for her whole life, she made a realisation.

                 What was wrong with her? She had been so consumed by this goal that she had forgotten about nurturing her relationship with Jason. Had stopped meeting up with and even messaging the girls she had been close to since university.

The real blow, though, was that she had missed her own mother’s funeral. She had been so focused on this that she had forgotten the most important thing; it meant nothing, if she lost everyone close to her along the way.

A tear escaped her eye. What had she done?