Left Right Left… Right

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. This time on the steering wheel. I always skip the pinky and go from the ring to the pointer. Everything must be even and symmetrical, so that the chaos does not ensue. I hit a pothole on the right side. That makes seven on each side. Each makes on seven side that.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I turn on my left blinker, check my mirrors, and look over my shoulder before changing lanes. Then I wait for the green light to allow me to turn into the store parking lot. When it does, I find a spot away from all the other cars and take a few tries before the distance between my car and the white stripe is about the same on both sides. I put my car in park. Car I in my park put.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I check my reflection in the mirror to make sure there is nothing in my teeth. I give my hazel eyes a look and comb both sides of my dark blond hair with my fingers. I grab my purse and my shopping bag, blink my eyes twice, open the car door. I am out of the car. Am car I of out the.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. This time on my jacket. I start walking toward the store, first with my left foot and then my right foot. It takes 128 steps to reach the store, the last two steps slightly smaller than the others. I sanitize my cart and hands, then take out my hand-written list. That takes 23 steps, which is a prime number, but I take a right step backwards. I go forward with the cart. Cart forward go I the with.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. This time on my cart. I consult my list and head to the card aisle, starting with my left foot and stopping on my right. My sister’s birthday is in two weeks. I call my sister monthly and she tells me how my niece and nephew are doing. She never talks about herself. I always give her updates on my work. We talk about Dad and wonder how he is doing since Mom’s cancer took her away from us. I promise I will try to take the four-hour drive to visit him soon. I never do. Do I never.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I am now in the office supplies aisle, getting my favorite pens for work. I don’t use the ones they supply at my office, because they don’t feel right in my hands. Barb, the office manager, says she can custom order the ones I like. I tell her if I am going to be picky, then I should pay for it. It’s like what Mom used to always say, “If you don’t like it, then either deal with it or find your own thing.” Mom loved my sister and I in her own way, but she was tough on us to prepare us for a tough world. I still was ill prepared. I ill prepared still was.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I look at the box of cereal and remember the smell and taste of the chocolate. I can feel the cool milk splash around my mouth as I chew through the cereal’s crunch. It is calming to think about my favorite food, until I remember why I don’t eat it anymore. Cereal makes me feel guilty, because of the time I made Mom angry. Angry I made Mom.

…

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. This time on a kitchen counter from my childhood. All the supplies to make my favorite bowl of cereal are in front of me. I am eight, and my tapping and counting has become more frequent since Mom became sick. I have recently started to alphabetize some of my thoughts. Mom is sitting at the table in her chemo hat, pajamas and bathrobe, all varying shades of blue. She returned from chemo three days ago, and her energy is coming back. So is her irritability. Her irritability is so.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I pour the cereal into the bowl, close the container, and put it away. “Don’t slam the cabinet doors Lydia,” Mom cries. Cabinet don’t doors Lydia slam the.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “I’m sorry,” I mutter, and look over at Mom rubbing her head. “Would you like me to make you some toast?” She shakes her head no. I put the milk in the refrigerator. I in milk put refrigerator the the.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I open the drawer and grab a spoon. I turn around and start walking to the table with my left foot, and my right foot ends the trip as I sit down. Sixteen steps. I pull the chair in as softly as I can, but it still screeches on the floor. I look at Mom, and she sighs. She turns away from me. Away from me she turns.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. This time on the table. I chew the cereal first on my left side, then on my right, leaning my head to the side I am chewing. 32 chews and I swallow. I scoop more cereal into my mouth and do it again, but this time I make it to 34 chews. My third spoonful makes it to 36 chews. I’m on the 35^th chew of my fourth spoonful, when my mother screams, “Stop it!” I swallow and put my hands in my lap. My heart starts beating so hard I can feel it in my chest. I stare at Mom and hold my breath. She shakes her head and looks away from me in disgust. I look down at my hands. At down hands I look my.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. Now on my lap. Then my shoulders. I move my torso front and back and count. The finger taps move to my head, and they stay there, over and over again, until my mother shrieks, “STOP IT!” IT STOP!

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. Still on my head. I continue to move back and forth. Mom has gotten up and is hovering over me from my left side. I can feel her spit as she screams, “Why can’t you be normal Lydia?” Be can’t Lydia normal you why.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “I’m sorry Mom.” I’m Mom sorry.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Don’t call me Mom! You cannot be my daughter! How can you be my daughter when you are like this? I am sick, and you can’t even act like a normal child! You are so selfish!” Are selfish so you.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “I’m sorry Mom”… tap tap… “I’m sorry Mom”… tap tap… “I’m Mom sorry.” I’m Mom sorry.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “For Christ’s Sake Lydia!” Mom grabs my shoulders and starts shaking me. I think she is about to throw me on the ground, but then her weakness stops her. She sits on the floor and starts crying. I pull my knees up to my chest. I rest my head on them. Head I my on rest them.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. The side door opens, and I hear footsteps. The owners of the feet increase their pace as they hear Mom crying. “Lucinda, what happened?” Mom and I both look up. Dad has returned from picking my sister up from her friend’s house. Alecia looks at me with regret in her eyes. Alecia at eyes her in looks me regret with.

…

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I sway forward and back eight times. I cannot keep up with my breathing. My eyes are filling up. I look up to stop them from spilling. “Are you okay honey?” I turn around. Around I turn.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. A woman with grayish brown hair is looking at me with motherly intent. I cannot utter a word without breaking down, so I nod and turn back to my cart. I push it away from her. Away from her I it push.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. Back to the cart. I try to breathe but it won’t go deeper than my throat. My lungs don’t want to accept air. My eyes flood, but I dam the tears with my eyelids. My mind races and I try to plan my escape. I have two items in my cart, but not enough time to get them back in their proper places. I break the rules of anti-chaos by putting the card and pens on a random end aisle. I drop the cart off with its clones on my way out the exit, still holding back the incoming attack. I race to the safety of my car. Car I my of race safety the to.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. Back to the steering wheel. My eyes start to spill over, but I blink the tears away, so I can see. I turn on the car and exit out the parking lot. I turn right towards home and hit a pothole on the left. I start my homeward count. Count homeward I my start.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. Six left potholes and five right potholes. I am distracted, but not enough to lose my count. The last right pothole is right before the turn onto my street. I am nearly home, where I can let myself break down. A quarter mile to go, but alas! There is a bicyclist riding over my pothole. I cannot complete my count! Cannot complete count I my.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I go past my street. I cannot go home with an odd number of potholes. I have to keep the chaos at bay. I drive and drive and drive. I pass three more potholes on the left side, and accidentally ride over one. Then I remember the Park ‘n Ride half a mile away. It has a pothole in the middle, and usually there is nobody there this time of day. I can ride over it on my right wheel twice, and then avoid all potholes on the way home. I shall keep the chaos at bay. At bay chaos I keep shall the.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I turn into the Park ‘n Ride and see it before I know it. The only car in the lot has parked over the pothole. I park in the corner farthest from the car. My whole body shakes. The dam breaks. Breaks dam the.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. My phone rings. I pull it out of my purse and see my sister’s name. It’s time for our monthly call, but I am not ready. If I don’t answer, she will know there is something wrong. I must pretend. I must pretend.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I take a deep breath, but it still won’t go down to my lungs. I answer the phone and turn on the speakerphone. “Hello Alecia.” Alecia Hello.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Hey Lydia? How are you doing?” Are doing how you.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “I’m good. How are you?” Are how you.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Just peachy keen. Been looking forward to calling you all day. Work has been busy, and the kids are just full of energy. Must be the full moon,” she laughs. Her laugh breaks me. Breaks Her laugh me.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Yeah, probably.” My voice is shaky and Alecia can hear it. I can never hide anything from her. Anything can from her hide I never.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Lydia, what is wrong?” Is Lydia what wrong

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. I finally let go and tell her everything. About the memory. About walking out the store without putting things back in their place. About how I can’t get home because I can get two right potholes. About my alphabetizing and counting again. About how I can’t stop tapping on everything. About can’t everything how I stop tapping

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Tapping is good when you use it to calm you. Do you remember how the guidance counselor taught you to do it when Mom first got sick? Let’s do it together Lydia.” Do it let’s Lydia together.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. My sister’s does too, thousands of miles away. We start at our eyebrows. Then we tap around our eyes. We move down to our matching noses, and then our chins. We end our tapping at our arms. My breath can finally make it into the deepest part of my lungs. I breathe out in relief.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. This time the taps calm me. “Thank you, Alecia. You’re the best Mom a sister can have.” I hear her smile. We talk for a while longer. She tells me to call her any time, not just to wait once a month. I tell her I will, and this is true.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “I wish I was there when Mom freaked out at you. I knew going to Ashley’s was selfish.”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “You weren’t being selfish. You were twelve. It wasn’t your responsibility to take care of me. I should have been better when Mom got sick. I wish I could have made her happy.”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Lydia, you couldn’t have made her happy even before she was sick. Nobody could. She was always like that. She just got worse.”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Oh.”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Have you been seeing your Dr. Daniels?”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “She had a baby, and is on maternity leave. She sent me to one of her colleagues, but I didn’t feel comfortable with him. She comes back in two weeks. I’ve already made an appointment.”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Well, you’re going to check in with me every day, until you go see her, okay? And maybe you could talk to your doctor on going back on your medication. It really helped you out, remember?”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Mom said I should try to be better without using it, so I could have my independence.” I hear my sister swear under her breath.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Well Mom is not here anymore.” I laugh in shock. “I miss her, but I also hated how she treated us. We were kids, not soldiers preparing for battle. You don’t have to deal with everything on your own. Promise me you will talk to your doctor.”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “I will.”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Do you think you can get home without hitting any potholes?”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Yes,” I laugh.

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “Okay good. I love you Little Sister.”

My left fingers tap, so then my right fingers tap. “And I love you Big Sister.”