I Guess it Wasn't Mine

I don’t understand how someone could be so cruel. For the fact that I just… ya know prefer a different kinda style. A different type of vibe. 

I force myself to get up from the bed, struggling against the weight of my emotions that have pooled into a puddle of tears. I reach for my suitcase in the closet, covered in stars just like it was when I was nine years old. It's been a while since I've had to use it. I grab some of my most used clothes. My favorite red jacket, jeans, hoodie, some shirts. I grab at least a week worth of underwear and socks. I hear footsteps coming up through the stairwell, walking through the rooms. With a knock on the door “We’ll be back in a few minutes” he said. I could feel his presence linger on the other side of the door, then his foot steps recede. I stop holding my breath once I realized I was holding it. I continue, tears rolling helplessly, uncontrollably. I felt nothing but everything all at once. Most of all I felt hated, unloved, a disappointment. My body gives up on me and I fall to the floor, convulsing with anxiety. The most succumbing feeling I have ever felt. My dog that was lying on the bed, a golden Labrador, hops down to come to lick my salty face. I crawl my way back to the closet, unlocking the safe I put all my extra cash in. I pulled out a thick manilla envelope; $500 only to be used for emergencies. That was the last thing I managed to pack. I make my way back to my bed, collapsing once again from exhaustion.

Time had escaped me, they were back. Quickly two sets of footsteps approached, my door swung open, the rusty hinges screeching. “How could you do this to me, do you even care what you are doing! You are so disgusting, so SO selfish!” She rushes over to me, wrapping her hands around my throat. 

“Mom” I say, hopelessly. I stand, hovering over her, her hands still around, my throat. She starts to squeeze, I bring up my hands grabbing at her wrists. I can feel the heat bring me to sweat, my blood boiling, wanting to react. Say all the mean things she threw at me earlier downstairs in the kitchen. I want to, but I can’t, I feel her pain, her trauma. My dad says her name, she doesn’t flinch. He comes up and grabs her off of me. 

“How could I ever love you, I just want to protect you and here you are GIVING yourself to death! Get out, you aren’t going to live in my house” her hands are waiving in the air. Every word she says. she says with a step closer to me. My dad tells her to take a break. What was he doing this whole time? Standing there watching her tear me to shreds, degrade me, tell me she doesn’t love me. Agreeing that I’m going to hell, but staying quiet with all else. Yet he’s known for years. Betrayal. I run to shut the door behind them, collapsing and sliding down to the bottom. My face swollen from all the tears. I stay there for a while like that, in awe. I have no idea what’s going on. All for what? To be myself? Hiding it for all of my life and getting this reaction, dismissal of everything I’ve been through everything. All of the emotions I have faced, the trauma I had to endure by myself because of her selfish need to always be right. Be a mother, protect me, love me, hold me. No, forever a twisted love.

I grab a few minor things and put them in my satchel. Breathing through every emotion I have, I open the door to my room. My suitcase with me, I walk down stairs knowing there would be another battle waiting for me. 

They took my phone from me, in attempts to keep away the demons. I’m not welcome here anymore.

I had told my girlfriend, before they came back up the stairs to come in a few minutes to pick me up. I go through to the kitchen, making my way to the back door. 

"Where do you think you're going?" She steps forward aggressively, blocking my path in the narrow hallway that leads from the kitchen to the back mud room. “I need to leave, I can’t be here right now”

“So you are the one that gets to decide things right now? You really think that’s smart? Look where your choices led you” making it my fault that I’m this way. 

“I need space mom, please let me leave” She is pulling on my jacket, spilling every harmful word she can into me.

My dad approaches us “Where are you going? Honey calm down”

“I’m going to go to Jay’s house and give us both space” I say adjusting away from her.

“Leave, I don’t want you here. Don’t come back actually” She grabs for my suitcase. “All your stuff is mine, it’s not yours, you aren’t my daughter. None of this is yours”

“Dad can you-”

“Leave,”

“Mom, that's mine. I have a job now. You don't do enough for me," I protest as she tries to take my suitcase from me. "You haven't bought me anything since I was thirteen." She brushes past me and grabs the door handle, holding it open for me to leave. My dad just saying her name, but no attempt to even step in. She pushes me out, grabbing the satchel off of my shoulder, leaving me with just the suitcase. As soon as she closes the door, she locks it, then immediately walks away.My dad just stood there, then walked after her.

I open the gate and Jay pulls up in her Ford. Tears well in my eyes but don’t fall, I’m too numb. I open the passenger side, and get in. I kiss her, knowing sin tastes so sweet. I would rather be happy than be trapped in a loveless hole of what others, like my parents have consistently showed to me.