It's the end of her world

Do I? I have no idea; how did I end up here? With him? I mean, I know yea, I know. Is it really too late for me? At 38, it’s late, right? It’s not the end of the world, right? It’s just marriage, right? Right? Wrong? Maybe I can throw myself off this cliff, why not after all, that’d be a real cliff-hanger for the wedding. Probably the best story for all my 300 guests to say for at least 3 months, they can get all the pity in the world for a second, them, not me, they would all think they're so interesting for attending that wedding that’d probably even make the news UNBELIEVABLE BREAKING NEWS FOLKS 38-YEAR-OLD BRIDE CHOSE TO THROW HERSELF OFF A CLIFF RATHER THAN MARRING A BEAUTIFUL OGRE MAN. Not funny, actually, I guess. THE BRIDE TOOK OFF, literally. Fasten your seat-belts dear guests, ‘cos Kim Jones is going to take off, destination anywhere but here, her own wedding. Not funny, I got to stop. What will your mother think, huh? If you just run off, I don’t even give a shit about this guy in this moment, with his dripping skin off his face, I want to pull it all off and run to him. Ahhhh girl, great moment to remember THE Supreme ex-Boyfriend. SO, no, everything is fine, only happy tears, it’s what you’re supposed to do, probably sooner, keep it happy, keep it calm and very demure, only one single drop from your eye is allowed to fall across your cheek. It's all such bullshit, I hate weddings, why, why on Earth am I here. I’m so hungry, oh, I hate that fucking menu, why I had to listen to my mother, MY own mother, who did the same but sooner than me, and had the same laced beige-white dress, purple nail polish, and salmon with orange gravy in the menu, that she loves and I hate. I hate it all, this is a mistake that I have to keep smiling through. Too late to back out. Or maybe I can? I need my phone to google it, how many brides get cold feet and run away from the Altar, 10? 20 maybe? Per year? Per month? I miss him, I really do. Very bad moment to remember him, when I should be focusing on him, yea….I know. It would be so different, probably just the two of us, on the beach, some really good friends, no parents, no bullshit guests that I don’t even know, the kind of party I would actually enjoy. How pathetic you are miss Jones soon to be Mrs. Jackson, having your little Rose from Titanic moment, at the end of your life you don’t reminisce about your husband and kids, no, no, you’re thinking about the best dick of your life, that hit it and then dipped. I really don’t understand why when there’s love, real love is never enough, why it always has to be an imbalance of love for the relationship to be stable. It makes no sense. But it’s all fake, in all the cases, too much love between two people, one gets scared cause it’s too real and run away, hah ironic, that I’m judging him right now for what he did to me for what I would do to him, but I guess I won’t. I’m only irrational in my mind, at least I like to think this. Maybe not so rational, rational people don’t think of jumping off a cliff in order to avoid eloping. BUT, I guess I’m not crazy, because I won’t do it, but I would, but I won’t. Oh dear, no, don’t cry, yes, yes, this is bigger than the wedding, this is YOUR life, that you feel that you’re not in charge of, these are modern times and you still can’t marry the man you love, fuck, you can’t even pick to have beef bourguignon in the menu, and then you can’t have beef with your mother about it, because she’s YOUR mother. How did I let this all happen? I let my mother choose my dress, a man choose me and I say yes because life passed before my eyes after I turned 18 and now I’m 38 and I have nothing to my name, okay I got a car, great, one thing, and bills in my name, okay a little bit more things, wow wait now not even my tombstone will have my name, it will be his name on it, marked like a cow at the abbey. I can’t hop this train, I didn’t buy the ticket myself, someone gave it to me, maybe I’ll never hop any train, and maybe that’s fine, maybe spending your life at the train station is a way to live. At least I have the freedom to choose how I want to die. NO, girl, how did you end up spending your walk to the Altar thinking about: suicide, murder, running, how the menu is dumb, your greatest ex, how you never made a proper choice in your 38 years of shadowing this damn spinning rock, and now we’re back at suicide. Happy, smile, wave later, experience it all, nothing is yours, God that’s depressing. Well you’re crying. Everybody thinks you must be so happy, you old hag. Look at him smirking like a fucking idiot, he’s not bad but he’s not yours. Oh, I wonder what is the possibility of lightning striking, hopefully this fucking guy and not me, I think I want another chance, but maybe it’s too late, it’s too late to start living properly, just in time to murder your husband later tonight. I hope everybody gets food poisoning from my mother’s salmon with orange gravy. That’d be epic. That'd also make the news, at least I would finally exist for real, if I make it in the news. Oh, here he goes, I must state my decision soon. In probably less than a minute, I do or I don’t. Can he come snatch me? At least in my dreams tonight. Please, please, please take me away with you, I’ll never be happy otherwise. How sad, how sad of you Kim, the highlight of your life was loving that man. But we were so happy, really, in our little time together, I will never ever understand why it didn’t last. My IPhone battery lasted longer than our relationship, yet it was the best, it really was, and we were both so beautiful, so young. It is what it is, woman, try to embrace what you have, in this moment, focus, you have to say it soon. Breathe girl, breathe through this lump in your chest, he is good to you,  he is good for you, your mother likes him, he also likes salmon with orange gravy like your mother, his parents think you’re great, you’re going to be ok, maybe not happy, but comfortable. Is that better? I don’t know, I don’t know. It’s not the end of my world, I need someone to tell me this, there’s still time, I need time, I don’t know for what I need it for but I need it, I have to have it. It’s just marriage, people do it at least once in their lifetime like it’s nothing. OKAY, SAY IT, WHAT DO YOU SAY DO YOU DO OR YOU DO NOT.

“I DO”