"Nothing Worth Saying Aloud"

As a kid, I loved how fast time flew by, I so desperately wanted to grow up, and be like the older kids going out with their friends. I never thought I’d regret it; how much I’d wish for things to go back to the way they were.

It’s senior year, it’s supposed to be memorable; I would’ve never guessed it was for the wrong reasons. It was pretty normal at first, looking forward to every senior event just like everyone else. I was working part-time at a restaurant. It was fun, taking orders felt like a game on the screen; it wasn’t hard at all, just got busy once in a while. I got along with most of my co-workers. It made time go by faster and I loved that. A month after school started I met a new guy at work, weirdly no one had talked about him at all. I had been at backdrive my whole shift, once I was on my break I came to the front to get myself a drink. “Hey, you’re on a break?” Yes, I replied, questioning who he was. He asked if I was new. I said no just didn’t work during the summer. “Are you new?” I wondered, No he replied I started during summer. Somehow he kept the conversation going and turned out we went to the same school, same age, same lunch. “No way,” I kept saying, he picked up on it fairly quickly and started saying that too. 

Days went by and I didn’t see him again until a week later, at school. I waved and he waved back, eventually, we got really close; and started texting each other, walking together at school; he’d pick up extra shifts to work with me, and I’d do the same. Soon enough we were inseparable, I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. It made it all so fun, work, school; it always gave me something to look forward to. Every hi started with a hug and every bye ended with another. At work, we’d ask to have our breaks together. There wasn’t anything we didn’t want to do together, but of course, the only thing I would do is make him try food first in case I wouldn’t like it. I once asked him if he liked coffee, “not really” he replied. A new pie came out that month, blueberry and creme; it smelled good and he warmed it up for us and made me taste it. I bit into it ignoring his warnings of how hot it was; I did end up burning myself on my lip and he just laughed at me as he cleaned it off my face. After a while we’d share my coffee together every day at work, he’d have it made for me by the time I arrived. Not once did he ever refuse to share a drink with me. One day I remembered and asked if he changed his mind about it. He said “No, but it gives me something new to share with you too.” I didn’t think anything of it, just let it pass by. 

Anywhere I was he went too. We were always together. Work became even more enjoyable with him around, even if we couldn’t work together he’d come to buy something, anything just so we could talk for a few minutes. We even had planned to move in together during college, to make sure we were always together. He’d help me and I’d help him too, we planned it out vividly, the decorations, he only asked for a desk to “do homework,” really it was for gaming but I’ll let him think I believed that. We weren’t sure how soon or when we would but we both had that goal in mind. It was new year's Eve and I was with my family, we were texting that whole time up until midnight. I wished him a happy new year, “I’m glad I ended the year with you,” I said. “I’m glad I’m starting a new one with you.” He replied, for some reason those words never left my mind, I’d think about it constantly. That was the first night he ever told me he loved me. As time went by, we only got closer, eventually, he was driving and had his license so he’d take me home every day from work. He’d always drive too slow or take the long way home while he played love songs, we’d sing them but I never paid attention to the lyrics or if they ever meant anything. The days we didn’t work together; he’d come over after his shift. He always said he knew me better than I knew myself; it was those little moments that always stuck with me. He could tell if I was overwhelmed by the way I took a breath, or if I was stressed by the way I’d move around, not letting anyone help; even if I was upset, ignoring everyone; or hurt by the way I’d fake a smile. Everyone thought we were dating, that we just didn’t want people to know.

 A few weeks later at work, I overheard a conversation between him and another coworker, “ I want something serious with her.” It confused me so much, I knew it wasn’t about me, it couldn’t be me. He ended up showing me a lot of flower bouquets he wanted to get, “You should get it for her,” I replied. “Maybe,” he said and we both were quiet for the rest of our break. I asked about it a few days later, “Why didn’t I know about her?” I was going to tell you. A few days later, I was showing him something on my phone and he was right next to me like always but this time a bit closer, he kissed me on the cheek and I just shoved him; I went back to work and we never spoke about it. I didn’t understand what he felt or what he was trying to do,” the other girl” didn’t deserve it either. I told him we couldn’t be as close anymore, we needed space. Not just for me but for the girl he wanted too; a few days later I quit my job, no one knew, I didn’t put in my two weeks; just said I was done. 

That month we went two weeks without seeing each other, we didn’t work together anymore. Our paths just wouldn’t cross anymore. Our coworkers used to tease us at work, saying if not now, eventually, we'll find our way back to each other. I didn’t see it then, but it was “something.” We got distant for the next week until he texted me, asking if I was awake, and said he wanted to come over after work. Usually, he never got out of the car but this time he did; without saying anything he hugged me, it felt as if something was wrong. “What happened?” I asked, it was as if someone had passed. He let go and looked at me, “I just missed you.” I felt relieved that everything was okay, but confused, I told him I missed him too. To this day I’ve never felt such a tight heartwarming hug, it felt safe. He kept looking at me differently than usual, he’d grab my arm and pull me closer; I started to feel tension, like he wanted to kiss me but I said we couldn’t. I assumed he still had something with the other girl. 

He pulled me in and I looked away, so he kissed me on the cheek; he kept asking for just one kiss but I kept saying no, till he grabbed my face and kissed me all over, like smothered kisses. He held my face and pulled me in from the waist, wanting a kiss but I said we couldn't. I looked away; he grabbed me by the neck and just said please. I didn’t want to be led on, I didn’t want to be the “other woman.” We can't, I replied, I just hugged him, trying to move past that moment. It was cute when he always had “love attacks,” and would constantly hug me but not under these circumstances. We'd joke about that a lot. He was always very touchy. I didn’t kiss him though, I just couldn’t; it wasn’t fair to her. For the next two days, he’d still text he’d tell me how he really wanted to kiss me but I just ignored it, I was too self-conscious, I couldn’t ever admit maybe he wanted something with me. I believe it was his way of telling me he wanted this. Just couldn’t ever say it straightforwardly. 

Little did I know that’d be the last time I ever saw him, he didn’t say sorry, didn’t say goodbye. Just blocked me from everything from one day to another and I never heard anything from him again. 

It hurts to feel like I’m the only one who feels affected by what happened between us. I wonder if our thoughts ever overlap and we miss each other at the same time. How does my absence not affect you at all? He was my platonic soulmate, my best friend. I would’ve never known how much he’d really end up meaning to me. I forgot how to be ME without you. I so desperately wanted to go back, back to when I still meant something to him.

It wasn’t until I lost him that I wanted to run back and make time stop; not to change anything, but to feel things twice.