Good bye.

Tw: drug use, cursing, mentions of SH, Suicide, SA

Grow up.

A term I hear way too frequently. Anytime I'm eager, fearful, cheerful, or perhaps even bitter over a small inconvenience. “Grow up”, What does that phrase truly signify? To act older? To grow taller? This has been on my mind for a bit. I keep hearing this expression over and over and over. At school, at home, at the grocery store, at the doctor. How can I “grow up”? It's not like I can miraculously get older or taller or more mature but I'll keep trying because I don't like being urged to “grow up.”

Adults use this phrase to shut me up. To tell me I'm not old enough to talk back or have thoughts In my mind. “You have to grow up a little before you can talk with the grown-ups''. I don't comprehend what they're trying to protect me from, not sure I ever will. I hear them crying, disputing, fucking. I'm not some 5-year-old waiting for daddy to come home at the end of the day. I know he'll be back, drunken and unable to hold a decent conversation. Spilling his stupid and worthless opinions as unfunny and bitter jokes, expecting me to laugh. Calling transgenders "faggots" and "shims" without even knowing I am one. Telling me how being gay is all in our minds, as if it is. As if he'd know. I'm aware I shouldn't I know that I shouldn't care what he says when he's like this, but sometimes what he says gets under my skin.  The worst part is when it plays over and over and over again in my head. "The faggots can say they're women and sneak into the ladies' restroom like a bunch of perverts" Maybe it's you who's the pervert if you're thinking like that. Sometimes it's worse when he says something that has to do with me or my siblings. He goes on long-drawn-out rants about how if I married a woman he wouldn't pay for my wedding, how my brother needs to work out and "stop being a fat-ass", how my sister needs to think about school and her activities. He says all of this like that's true. In the end, I do believe, he thinks that is true. Life for him must be just as hard if he thinks like that. MIght be why mom left.

I've discovered the best way to withdraw the words that get under my skin is to carve them out. When it gets unbearable. When I get itchy or feel disgusting because of the words crawling under my skin. I take a razor or a blade and cut them out. It feels nice, it's not very painful and after a while, I just go numb. I guess it's not the best coping mechanism but I've tried others and the itch won't go away. Maybe it’s me who’s got the problem, and starts the itch. I've tried snapping rubber bands, that makes it worse, it's like with every snap I add one more word and the itch just grows. I love my father when he's sober. He is smart, strong, and determined. But he's also kind, caring, and reliable. I love my father when he can maintain a conversation. When he can talk to me without getting mad. Despite that, the time seems to move faster than normal, like one day I may never see him sober again. It's a shame I won't live to see it if he is sober, perhaps I'll see it from above. Only time will tell. He's never like that anymore, to be frank. 

Older kids use “grow up” as a derogatory phrase as if I'm a baby and I loathe it. “Oh come on grow up,” they say after trying to knock their opinion into me. Snitching isn't an option, it'll just get worse. My best friend Jamie once told the guidance counselor. That same evening instead of stopping the weekly beating at the street lights like usual, they added more time than they normally go on saying I deserve to be put into my place, just like dad says. High school is the worst experience I've ever had to deal with. The guys are dickheads who think the gay kids are weird and that women are objects. The girls are jealous, petty, and rude. The teachers are old and have no chill. Subs deadname me like it's nothing as if my preferred name isn't on the roster. "is (deadname) here" says the sub after reading the roster like my preferred name, my real name isn't right next to it. She keeps nagging before I finally say here. It's embarrassing, to be honest. A lot of people didn't even know before that, of course, the whole school knows now.

Gossip spreads like wildfire in mid-summer. It spread fast, by the next day everyone knew. Of course with my luck, I started getting deadnamed as a joke, mostly by the guys, the girls were accepting. "Look it's (deadname) you still think you're a little boy" as soon as it was said it slithered right under my skin like a snake. That night was a long one 10 maybe 12 words were cut out. A new record I think. I would have done more however, I needed to clean up before my dad got home from the bar to make things worse. The next day at school was better. A student was smoking weed in the bathroom so I flew under the radar like usual. Slowly but surely everyone forgot and started using the correct name and pronouns and it was all good again. Until Jay'lin Smithead brought it back up like the dickhead he was. "Girls on the right boys on the left!" my gym teacher said, boys vs girls was not my favorite. "yo aren't you like a girl why are you over here," Jay'lin said as if it was his business. "I am a boy," I said sternly then turned on my heel and walked toward my friend. 

The worst is the doctors, in high school, I don't have to talk to my parents to get my preferred name on the roster. But you do for the doctors. The entire trip is deadname after deadname. It's like my feelings aren't valid. I can't say anything, not to the doctor, not to my dad. Especially not to my dad. I don't like my doctor. He touches me in weird ways in even weirder places. I don't say anything because he's probably just doing his job. At least that's what my dad says. "stop being overdramatic he was checking for damage" I agree not wanting a fight to start. I think it's Sexual assault but what can I even say? "The doctors touching me in places I don't like?” I can’t I’ll sound stupid. So I keep it to myself, cut out every memory until it's gone. 

This is how my life is going right now and I want It to stop, I want to stop all the voices, all the words, all the deadnaming, all the cutting. So I will. This will be my first and last note to the world.. Im not sorry for doing it. When you get the chance to read this, It'll be too late to change what I did. I love my best friend Jamie, my dog Max, and my father. Even after all the bull shit, you put me through I still love you. Im not gonna apologize to other people, but I finally figured out what growing up means. It means to let go even when you want to hold on. 

Goodbye, everyone.

Signed,

             Oliver Smith

               (olivia)