Made for you

Finding my old leather jacket at the back of my closet was like finding a piece of myself lost long ago. After twenty years, and more pounds than I care to admit, I did not expect it to still fit. My arms slid into the sleeves and the weight came to rest on my shoulders. The jacket that once defined my fashion fit better than I would have dared dream. I stood in front of the mirror and wondered if the person I had become still fit it as well as it fit my body. Memories felt like both a weight holding me down, and a rope pulling me up. I smiled, feeling more like myself than I had in a long time. 

Out of instinct, my hands slid into my pockets and I struck a relaxed pose. I wondered just when and why I had stopped wearing this jacket. My thought process derailed as I noticed something in the inner pocket poking against my chest. I reached in and found a disposable camera with all the pictures taken. Phone cameras had been more than enough for me as far back as I could remember. Curiosity over what could be on the camera was overwhelming, and I needed to find somewhere that could develop it immediately.

  I made a few calls that evening and was pleasantly surprised to find that my pharmacy’s photo department still developed physical film. The process required sending the camera offsite so there would be a delay. There was already a filled prescription waiting to be picked up, so I had an excuse to drop off the camera that afternoon. Three days later, I walked into the pharmacy still wearing my leather jacket and picked up an envelope full of photographs.

I couldn’t make myself wait until I got home to see what was on the film. As soon as I got in the car, I ripped open the envelope and started flipping through the stack of photos. I was expecting to be hit by another wave of nostalgia at these long-lost moments. The first few photos were in one of my old apartments and brought back a flood of memories. Some of them were happy moments, but some were of monetary struggles. The other pictures were all taken inside what I could only guess was an advanced laboratory. Along one wall were large tubes running from the floor to the ceiling. The last picture was a close up angle on one tube. Inside, I saw myself floating in a liquid with an oxygen mask on my face and IVs in my arms.

At first, I wondered who could have taken these pictures, but then I noticed a reflection in the glass tube. It was my face being reflected. I didn’t know how it was possible, but I had somehow taken these pictures of myself in a tube. My head hurt at the impossibility of it all. I had no memories of this place, and I was pretty sure I would have remembered something as traumatic as finding a copy of myself floating in a tube. 

I felt a warm sensation come over my body. My heart was racing, and my breathing was getting deeper. These were familiar sensations, and I knew what they were signaling. In moments, a panic attack would overwhelm me. I was just sitting in the parking lot and not driving, thankfully, because that would have been dangerous. In my head, I tried to tell myself that I could get through this and then figure out what I was looking at after. My body, however, told me it was being crushed, and I needed to do something, or I was going to die. I tried to force my thoughts back under control, but I could not pry my eyes from the picture. There was no choice but to ride the waves of panic until they passed. 

Two hours later, I walked through my front door in a kind of haze. The world was muted and nothing felt quite real. I kept my mind numb, avoiding thinking about anything too serious. I was functioning, and that was the most I could hope for. My recliner welcomed me home as I slid into it and turned on the massager. I didn’t bother turning on the TV and instead just stared at the blank screen. I’m unsure how much time passed, but my wife came home before I snapped out of it. She went straight into the kitchen to unload her bags, not even taking notice of me. 

 “Hon are you ok?” She stood in the doorway to the kitchen looking back at me. “What’s wrong?”

I held the envelope out to her, and she took it. I watched the emotions cross her face as she flipped through them. First nostalgia and then dread. What I did not see was surprise. She wasn’t expecting to see these pictures, but what was on them did not shock her like it had me. “You recognize the location, don’t you?” I tried to keep my voice emotionless, but could hear anger seeping into it. 

 “Where did you get these?” Her voice was flat, but her body language told me a different story. She had backed away from me by two steps and was almost unperceptively shifting her weight between her feet. These were signs of nervousness. Her eyes could not meet my own and that told me she felt guilty as well. 

 “What are you hiding?” Under normal circumstances, I never raise my voice, but at this point, I was yelling. I felt like I was losing a very tenuous grip on sanity. She was so startled that she dropped the photos on the ground. I pointed at the picture of myself floating in a tube. “What is that, and why don’t I remember any of it?”

 “Just calm down, hon. Everything is going to be ok.” She held her hands up in a placating manor. “You just need to remember that the purple sun sets at noon.”

Before I could ask her what that was supposed to mean, I felt my body stiffen. I tried to move, but my body would not react to my commands. I stood there facing forward and watched as she went to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of scotch.  She looked noticeably more relaxed as she came back into the room. “I’m so glad that still works. I wasn’t sure if it would after all these years.” No matter how much I fought to move, I just couldn’t budge. She sat back on the couch and relaxed, pulling out her cell phone.

“Gary, we have a problem.” She listened for a moment. “He knows. Somehow, he got pictures of the lab and himself being grown.” She took another sharp drink of her scotch. “I need a solution here.” 

My mind fixated on her comment about me being grown. I knew she was still arguing with the person on the phone, but lost track of what she was saying. I focused all my mental energy and willpower on moving.  Ever so slowly, the weight lessened. It wasn’t enough for me to move yet, but I felt like I just needed more time. I needed her to stay distracted so she wouldn’t notice my efforts. That was when she hung up the phone and came back over to me. She put her hand on my cheek. “Don’t worry, dear, I can fix this. My assistant is on his way over now.” 

“What did you do to me?” It took all my effort to get the words out. I needed her to keep talking. 

She looked at me in awe. “You aren’t supposed to be able to talk.”  

Her eyes met mine, and I put every bit of anger into them I could. “What did you do to me?” I was louder this time, and I found that the angrier and more afraid I got, the easier it was to push past whatever was holding me in place. The adrenaline was helping to counter the effect. I just needed her to keep going because at this point her voice was helping to fuel anger.

She stepped back and let out a tremendous sigh. “I should have known something was wrong when you started wearing that stupid leather jacket.” She started pulling the jacket off and it felt like a part of myself was being torn away again. “He always wore that thing, but I had your mind tweaked to forget about it. You know you should really thank me.” She stumbled backwards with a grunt as the jacket came loose. “You wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for me. I cloned you from a loser but look at you now.” She was right in my face and yelling. We had fought before, but I had never heard her use this tone before. 

“What happened to him?” I didn’t know what I wanted the answer to be.

“He’s dead. I couldn’t have him out wandering the world once you replaced him, could I?” Her voice had lost a bit of its edge. “Gary and I are going to fix this. We can make you forget the last week ever happened and this time I’m destroying that jacket.” She smiled at me, and her voice got soft. “Everything can go back to normal. I just need you to tell me where you got those pictures. Has anyone else seen them?”

I realized she was worried. It was the only thing I had going for me. “I’ll tell you if you answer one question for me.”

“I have nothing left to hide from you. You won’t remember any of this conversation, anyway.”

“Why? Why did you create me and why did you replace him?”

She looked at me for a moment before answering. It seemed like she was remembering. “It was twenty years ago. I was on the verge of so many life-changing breakthroughs, but I had to have a human test subject. That was when I met him.” She turned away, not meeting my eyes. “He was broke and desperate. Willing to sign up for any test just to have enough money to keep the electricity on. He was so cute and funny. I fell for him, but he just wasn’t good enough for me. He had no motivation and couldn’t keep up with me intellectually. Still, I tried, and he turned me down.” A bit of the anger came back into her voice. “I thought he had no idea what I was working on. Then one day, he confronted me about you. He said he knew I had cloned him, and he was going to the police. I couldn’t let that happen, so I shot him.”

 I finally understood. The man they cloned me from must have snuck into the lab and taken the pictures on the disposable camera as evidence. He confronted her before he could have it developed. If she was capable of killing and replacing him, she could do it to me, too. I needed to get away. “I remember growing up, though.”

“One of my tests was a complete scan of his brain. I imprinted you with it, but only after doing some minor editing. I could use you to create a better version of him. Give you motivation, increase your intellect, and the most important part condition you to have feelings for me. I knew it was risky, so I programed in some trigger phrases as well that could cause physiological reactions.” She looked at me with a desperation in her eyes. “That’s how I know I can fix this. Because you were literally made for me.” There was a knock at the front door, and she rushed to go let Gary in.

My stomach twisted in revulsion, and I wanted to throw up. I harnessed this feeling, my anger, and all the fear I would normally try to hold in check. I felt the warm familiar heat flood my body and gave myself over to the panic attack. The thing I hated most about myself that had controlled too much of my life was now going to save me. The adrenaline rushed through my system and with all my willpower; I pushed forward and broke the mental chains. It still took effort, but I could move, so I grabbed my jacket from the floor and rushed to the back door. I slipped it on and pulled the car keys from the right pocket. As I pulled out of the driveway, she ran after the car screaming.

She is still out there searching for me, and I can’t go to the police because they would never believe me. Instead, I just have to create a new life for myself and allow myself to be content with finally being free. I did check-in a month later and found there was a new version of myself living in the house. I wonder how many of my memories he has and what further modifications she might have made. The worst part comes late at night when I think of him and realize that despite it all, I am jealous that he gets to live my life. I hate missing her, but I cannot escape the feeling. After all, I was made for her.