A Chance at Revival

As I awoke on this winter day, I had this feeling. Not just any feeling, but a prickling sense as one could describe it as, that something would change. To know whether or not it would be drastically different or minorly different was something that couldn’t be determined. Some call it a gut feeling, while others fancy the coined term “pure luck”. If you were to ask which I lean towards, I would stare at you with a blank face. I simply don’t know. I may never know. Intuition is a broad and deep subject that some discuss without a proper understanding, which is honestly unfortunate, but there‘s nothing I could say or do to provide a better understanding of the subject. It can become a heavy and touchy topic around some.

“Good morning, Lorelei.” Anne, my sister, flippantly says as I walk into my favorite cafe “Lily Bloom”. She already knows my order, so I can tell she’s preparing it as I find a place to sit. 

“Hello, Anne. How are you doing on this fine morning?” I say in a pretentious yet sarcastic way while I seat myself in the corner, farthest from others. Although I personally consider myself neither introverted or extroverted, others would disagree. My mother loves to discuss my struggles in communication, but I never asked for her opinion. I’m happy as I am, though sometimes I wish I could care for her opinion. Unfortunately, we have never and will never have that type of relationship. Maybe I should call her… No. I shouldn’t. She’d just tell me about how I need to try harder to be more involved, but with my frantic life, I physically can’t anymore. 

“But yeah. Wait- Lorelai? Are you even listening to me?” Anne says, clearly offended by my blissful ignorance. Wait. When did she get over here? And when did she place my food down? How did I miss this? I blank out so often now, but most people are used to it. That list of people does not include my family. Especially Anne.

“Yes, Anne. I heard you.” I lied. Maybe that will come back to get me one day. Maybe not. 

“I don’t believe you, but I can’t be the one to worry about it. If you don’t figure it out, it will be your fault.” Anne pauses. “You know, Lorelai, I’m so tired of your constant blanking, or your excuses. Mom might be used to it, but I’m done with it. Take your sugar-free vanilla latte and spinach wrap to go. I can’t be around you right now.”

Um. What was that? I blanked for a second. I know she gets annoyed when I do it, but I have my reasons. Moreover, she has never gotten as upset as she is now. I realize I’m at fault, but is it that bad?

“Anne. Why are you so ma-”

“Just leave, Lorelai.” Anne says her tone final. 

I don’t understand. How could she spring such harsh words on me for momentarily spacing out? Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad, truly. But this feels like a bit of an overreaction, right? We’ve never been best friends, but we’re sisters, and still somewhat close ones at that. Sometimes, it feels like there’s no oxygen left and I’m left in my own mind. It’s a struggle that deteriorates by the minute. The only things in my life are family (hardly), my job, and books. That’s all. 

Soon after, I walked out of the cafe in a harsher mood than when I walked in. This bothers me since I haven’t had many good days recently. Ever since I went to the doctor's office to figure out why I was blanking so much, they diagnosed me with anorexia. Obviously, if I was close to my family, I would tell them. But I’m not. I’d rather Anne hate me for being tired all of the time rather than be treated differently. Almost like a disease that everyone feels they need to keep their eyes on twenty-four seven. I know they love me, I do. But, it feels so intoxicating being treated like someone dying and in need of help in order to survive. Obviously, they’ve questioned my sugar-free orders, but even I didn’t realize it was an eating disorder level of bad.

Since discovering my disorder, I wonder, is it really that bad? Would anyone notice? My question is unfortunately answered as I feel my phone begin to buzz from my back pocket. I set down my drink and grabbed my phone and stare at it for several moments. Then, I reluctantly press answer.

“Hello, mother.” I say, feeling defeated, and slightly lightheaded.

“Hi, Lai. I need to talk to you since I heard that you ignored your sister this morning.”

“Mom, you know that wasn’t on purpose.” I know she knows it wasn’t on purpose, but she doesn’t know why it happens either.

“Lorelei, no excuses, please. Not right now. Your dad is returning.” My mom says as she practically stabs me with a knife through the phone. 

How could she do this? How could she just allow him back into our lives? Suddenly, I see spots.

“Lorelai? Are you there?” I think I heard her say that, but I can’t clearly hear or say anything. Then, all of a sudden, everything goes dark.

I woke up in the hospital five hours ago. I’m unsure of what happened or how it occurred. But, that is quite literally the only thing I know. Apparently, I have amnesia. I don’t know who or where I am. But then I hear a woman across the hall speak. I think she’s talking about me.

“Maybe this will be a good thing. Although she can’t remember her past, she also won’t remember her anorexia, her spells, and her horrible eating, maybe it will give her a chance to restart and succeed much farther in the future.” she says optimistically.

I don’t know who I was or even who I am, but I know I will do better than my old self did. I have a gut feeling.