Mindfully Mindless

I listen to your favorite song when I miss you. I wonder if you would be doing the same. You can’t feel it when someone is missing you nor can you make them feel it. Yet, you secretly want them to miss you too. I am listening to it while I type this. If you would be reading this, maybe you could imagine. Would you know it is you and not someone else?

Mindlessly dancing free and wild. Capable of cruel and kind. I wish I could show you the world inside my mind. Stars shine brightly here, and not orbit bind. Will I someday, have the courage to express that my head is buzzing with thoughts of you. Will you be able to believe me then. Sincerity can be shown and be seen.

But one has to lose to be able to find. I am scared to lose you but more scared to lose myself. The funny thing is that I haven’t found myself yet. I am on a constant quest to explore and find, taking risks I don’t really mind. I enjoy the process even when I procrastinate at the beginning and hesitate at the end. I am not searching for love but purpose.

I guess our purpose is to love. Caring, sharing, trusting, showing respect are different ways to show compassion. Like a moth, I am ready to be set to flames for my passion. I want to feel what Icarus felt while soaring to the Sun but I don’t want to lose my wings. I love my freedom. And you must love yours. We can be each other’s boundaries to set ourselves free.

I’m selfish and want to make a dozen excuses to not let you look through me. I am afraid not that you’ll not want to see at all; but that you’ll want to stay and observe. I feel naked when you read between the lines as if glancing through the creases of my soul. We are scared to be totally vulnerable as it means we are showing our not so beautiful parts and weaknesses which can be turned into weapons against us.

Reminiscing is my solace. Your memories take me back in time. The time we met, the talks we had, the things we did together...I replay from time to time. They say we don’t remember the past but revisit the last time we revisited the past memory. We end up modifying it in the process, altering our past reality and maybe our present. Will it be an entirely different reality if we live and reminisce long enough? I change you and let the memory of you change me.

What is real anymore I don’t know? What I do know is that we create our own reality. You are a part of my reality and it feels good because it is still in my mind. Once words are spoken there is no turning back when a bow leaves an arrow there is no going back. Can we be the way we are in my mind? I’m definitely out of my mind!

I want to love not to fall in love. I don’t want to be caught. I am caught up already. I daydream mindfully, though they may say it is a mindless waste of time, I like it. I got no time to waste but I somehow have it. I get happy with a glimpse of you in my dream, you are doing all the things I would like you to do but I’m not telling you to. You are not a puppet, you don’t need direction. You and I are characters and my mind is a stage.

In this little masquerade, do we wear a mask to hide who we are, or do we use it to gain enough confidence to be truly ourselves? I don’t want to touch you because you might be fragile. I don’t want to break you, therefore, I admire you from afar. I know I am a coward but wouldn’t courage break us apart.

Plagued by fears; we are scared to love without inhibitions, scared that we would be bad at it or maybe too good that nobody would be able to reciprocate. Can’t we just love without wanting anything in return? Unconditionally! There are multiple things love teaches us like giving, receiving, encouraging with words, and touch. Let’s learn together as alone it might not be fun.

We live in my dreams and it is like living a fantasy. I don’t have to go to sleep to see you, you can appear and disappear at any time. I want to control you neither, nor do I want to be controlled by you. But your wishes turn into my commands. I am fool diving into the memory pool. I’m swimming even when I don’t know how to, I feel your arms gliding me over. We are making circles in the water.

I just enjoy your semblance. Is this how it feels to be in a trance, mysterious spread of colors and fragrance. Your eyes smile, your scent imprisons, your caress warm, the hold is strong. I see me in you. Do you see me too? Dispersing in a multitude of colors I didn’t imagine in me I had. You are a prism that turns me into a rainbow.

We don’t need names just feelings are enough, plus some action. I can not agree that all this is just a chemical reaction. Mere release of oxytocin initiates this beautiful emotion. Much more than a notion, more like pure devotion. Maybe Alice is learning to experiment with potions. I seek, I want to learn and I want to make mistakes too. But I wonder, will we be drawn apart by some blunder. Let’s run a test, or two.

I have none and then some and maybe one day I’ll have all of you but the only certainty is uncertainty and the human mind doesn’t like that. I on the other hand like unpredictability and embrace sangfroid. Maybe because I am the most dangerous than most dangers. Do you want to gamble once?