Liquid Sunshine

It’s pouring. The sky is an endless tunnel of dark gray, with raindrops falling. Big, hard and angry drops. The minute they hit the ground they collapse into a million brilliant shards of water. Like glass being thrown against the asphalt. Again and again. The wind is unforgiving, cold and heartless. Blindly whipping things wherever it chooses, giving no thought to what anyone else has to say or even think.

“Selfish.” That’s what my grandma always called it. I thought she was crazy. How can the wind have feelings? Much less be considered something human and petty, like selfish. But walking through this angry storm, I think I understand what she meant. 

I desperately try to stay dry, covering my head with my coat. What did it matter? If things go as planned- me staying dry won’t really matter. Go as planned. This is what I wanted, right? I asked for the universe to send a sign, something to show me that it was worth staying in. And- well… What did it give me? Certainly not a better life. No hope. In Fact it stole my dream, my one life-line, the bare thread holding me to this desolate place, and cut it. Or I guess in this case- more like violently setting it on fire. 

Going to school was my one chance. My lifeboat to leave and never come back. I had this little fantasy in my head, I would walk to the mailbox after school. I would open the mailbox, hear the rusted squeaks it makes, the sound of a hinge needing to be replaced, and carefully pick up the letter. 

I’d open it with the barest whisper of a touch. Afraid that it’s all a dream, that it might, that it could disappear right in front of me. I’d hide it from everyone, not wanting them to see how broken- I’d be if I got denied. And finally- finally I would open i once everyone has fallen asleep. And read. And reread. I’d read it a thousand times just to know that it was true, that it was possible that I could escape my cage. 

But of course- life had other plans for me. I got the letter. And I reread it a thousand, no,  millions of times. So many questions circling around in my head. Why? What did I do wrong? None of the other words processed through except deny. “We regret to inform you that your application to attend this university in the year 2023 has been denied. They didn't want me. I stood there, frozen. At first I was convinced there was some mistake. Some reason that they said no. Maybe they had a typo, or maybe- the wrong person or address? All the nonsense I made up to protect myself from the fact that it was proven again that I am not good enough. 

 I don’t think I’ll ever really understand why they said no. It wasn’t some prestigious school that barely anyone was able to attend. My grades were decent enough to pass as average, maybe even slightly above, and my extracurricular list was as long as it took for me to finally open the letter. But, the best I could give wasn’t enough. 

I wade through the puddles and watch the raindrops. It made the barest hint of music, a silent melody that wasn’t quite loud enough to remember or sing along to. Just enough to listen. That’s all I ever wanted. For someone to listen. But that’s selfish of me. I did have someone. But I pushed them away. So afraid to lose them from the thoughts in my head that I ended up losing them all the same.

 I taught myself to be a vault. Lock it up and hide it away. Never show even the threat of a crack coming in. When my mom left us? Never loved her anyways. When my boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn’t warm enough? What the hell does he know! But- when my future- my entire world blew up in my face? I couldn’t handle the strain. She was right there- RIGHT THERE. She asked me, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Stop lying to me.”

“I’m not.”

“Please, I know you better than this. Just tell me.”

“I’m fine.” 

“Please- I- I’m begging you…” She was crying at this point.

Weakness. That’s what I thought when I saw her like that. I knew I would do the exact same, I knew that by her crying she showed me how much she truly cared. But- a part of me couldn’t help being strangely satisfied that I wasn’t the one begging on my knees. 

I think she saw that. Saw something. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t say anything. She just walked away. Gave me one look- one more chance to say something- anything. I tried to speak up, but my voice gave out on me. Almost like a lock sealing it shut. I had the key, it was shoved right into my hands, and still I didn’t unlock it.  And she left. Just like my mom. Just like my ex. She left me. It seems only fair I leave her too. 

I close those memories. Just because I had them didn’t mean I had to relive them over and over. It’s obviously not doing anything incredible for my psyche. Lock them away, just like everything else. That’s what I’ve done my whole life, why stop now?

I hadn’t realized how much I’ve slowed my pace. Infact, I was barely even moving anymore. Any pole, any fire hydrant or trash can I see on the sidewalk I instinctively go around, making my pace nearly unbearable. If I continue at this rate, I’ll never get there. 

But isn’t that maybe the point? When I first decided this I was set and nothing would stop me. Don’t I still feel that determination? There isn't any hope for college. And she, my mom, and my boyfriend must already be long gone. So, why? Why did I still wait, wait for some sort of sign, almost anything to just stop me from doing this? I’ve waited my entire life for the pouring rain to disappear in my life, for the sun to come out and for everything I’ve dreamed to finally become a path I can take. And where did that get me? 18 long years of constant disappointment and failure. So why do I keep waiting? 

My mind suddenly catapults me back to a conversation I had with my mom, before she left. I was maybe 12 at the time, and I didn’t quite understand what she was telling me. It’s such a long time ago that I nearly forgot the interaction entirely. I remember I had been heartbroken because my long-time friend, my childhood cat, died. My parents found him the same day I was born and so we had been raised as close as siblings. 

I was crying in my room, taking down all the photos and drawings I had of him when she came in, looking gorgeous as ever. She always looked glowing, even in her simple pajama shorts and tank top. I always missed that about her. She sat on my bed and just… waited. She didn’t say anything. Didn’t try to lie to me, saying that, “everything will be okay” or that “He is in a better place.” She just sat on my bed next to me, and held me as I cried. 

After nearly an hour of just sitting like that, I heard her voice, something that sounded nearly as beautiful as a bird’s song, whispering in my ear, “You know, a wise woman once said, ‘ What we once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.’” (Helen Keller) 

I never realized that it could apply to people who chose to leave you too. But in some ways- I’ll never be without my mom, never without my boyfriend, and never without her. Some fraction of them will cling onto me, whether I care to see them or not doesn’t matter. I will always be a piece of the people I cared for. The real question is will me jumping kill that piece of them too?

I looked up, startled and perhaps a little disappointed. I’m here.

 This cliff had always been the reason the town was built here. It had the most beautiful view, looking down on an evergreen forest and gorgeous lake. The view was especially beautiful in the misty atmosphere of fog and rain. The lake looked alive, each raindrop leaving a small ripple, a tiny vibration that spread all across the lake. And the trees, dripping water from the very tips of their branches down to the freshly muddied ground below. 

I used to come here with her. Sure, my mom and boyfriend had been with me here before, but this is where I first met her. Seemed like a fitting place to end it all. I look around, of course nobody is around. What crazy person decides to take a stroll in the middle of the pouring rain after all? I swear I had more time. Maybe if the walk would have been longer, maybe I would have been able to talk myself out of this. But… I was here and I’m not turning back.

I approach the edge of the view. The main street fence is a couple feet away from the actual edge, to prevent people from accidently falling off I assume. I easily slide over the fence and step up to the edge. The fall is a good 50ft or so down. No chance of surviving in the slightest. Heck, the fall might even make me unrecognizable. 

I inch closer, trying not to look down. This is what I always wanted, right? To stop the suffering? To put out this constant stabbing I feel everyday, to shut-up the terrible voices that have been living in my head for as long as I can possibly remember? This is my chance. This is what it was always going to come to. This is what my life was meant to be. An end. 

I hesitate, the tiniest fraction of a second. 

If I jumped, then it would go away right? I’ve seen the ocean, wouldn’t it be like that? The tide returning home to the ocean after being pushed out. Would life be better for others without me there? Would anyone even come looking? 

So many questions swirling around in my head. No answers. I take a look around me. Desperate for answers, for a sign to not jump. Like a deer right before they get shot. Like that pocket of time before a bomb explodes. The cry for help- for something to come to stop the inevitable fate that awaits them. 

I look up and see the sky. The clouds seemed to have almost magically disappeared, leaving the sun shining as bright as ever. The harsh and possibly selfish wind has disappeared. Raindrops still fall, but not quite as heavy, and their cool touch is welcomed by my overheating skin. Rays of sunshine hit’s my face, the feeling of life pulsing through my body. 

And at that moment, I can almost hear everything around me, the trees, the rain, the sun, even somewhere deep within me, all screaming one word. 

“Stay.”