Not a Good Sign

Annabelle:

The lights were almost blinding. I watched in silence as they each passed overhead, one after another. The round balls of light were the least of my concern. Twenty-four hours ago I was laughing. I was joking with my best friend that one day she would have to live without me, I didn’t think that day would come so fast. 

“You are going to be fine, Anna!” She called behind me, trying her best to keep up with the hospital gurney as the doctors raced me into the treatment room. I glanced over to the older female doctor’s name tag. Gertrude, it read. “Tell me, Gertrude, how bad is it?” I rasped, ignoring the ache in my throat as a coughing fit emerged. When I pulled my hand away, there was blood coating my palm. Well, that certainly doesn’t seem like a good sign. 

“Oh, honey. You just lay still. We’re going to do the best we can.” 

What uplifting words, Gertrude, thank you. 

“If you don’t stay back we’re going to have to kick you out to the waiting room.” One of the doctors snapped, aiming his frustration at Leanna. “She may be a tad high maintenance, but you gotta let her stay, Doc. She is my only family.” With a foster family who couldn’t care less about you, and parents who gave you up, you learn to cling to those who actually stick with you. Even when you almost kill yourself trying to make a homemade pizza for girls night. 

The doctors moved quickly, scraping burnt debris off my skin. The smell of my own burnt flesh was overpowering. If I were in shock then I’d be comforted by the numbness. Then again, I wouldn’t be coherent. “Why can’t I feel any of that, Gertrude?” I questioned, my voice barely more than a hoarse whisper. She didn’t answer me, another not so good sign. 

“Leanna, come here.” She stepped beside me, earning a few glares from the doctors trying to move quickly around me. She reached out and pulled my hand in her own, looking down at me, her hair framing her face like a shadow. She helped block out some of the excruciatingly bright light, and for that I’m grateful. “She’s going to need surgery on this leg. Possibly her right elbow too.” 

They weren’t talking to me. Or Leanna. And as if I wasn’t even in the room they all gasped in horror as Gertrude cut through my blouse and began jabbing at my abdomen. It didn’t bother me that the room full of doctors was now looking at my unobstructed chest, not when their faces were so grim. “Somebody call down to the surgical wing. And call Dr. Adams. We’re going to need all the help we can get.” 

All of the movement around me made me dizzy. The scent of alcohol flitted through my nose, stinging the freshly singed skin around it. “This is going to sting like a gigantic bee, but I need you to hold still for me,” the doctor coaxed. I nodded my head slightly just before he began dabbing my abdomen with the alcohol soaked pad. I braced myself for the pain, for the agony, but it never came. “I don’t feel it,” I mumbled. Looking into Leanna’s tearful eyes, “I don’t feel it.” 

The next few seconds seemed to slow down as my vision flip flopped between hazy to downright dark. The next thing I heard was Leanna screaming as my vision went completely, and it seemed to take me with it. 

~

Leanna laughed behind me, spurring me on as I threw the last pen toward the cup. She threw her hands up in victory as the pen landed a few feet away from the glass. I laughed as she started her victory dance, throwing her arms in circles in front of her. “Yeah, yeah. Congrats on your win but I’m totally taking you down in the next round.” She wore a bright smile, her hazel eyes reflecting the happiness within her. 

“So, this is what a newly engaged woman does on a Friday night, huh?” I teased. She rolled her eyes as she sipped on her beer. “It is when she misses her best friend. Who, obviously, is going to be her maid of honor.” I smiled widely, already anticipating the wild bachelorette party I’m going to plan. She must spot the mischief from a mile away, because she started making me promise that there would be no funny business about thirty seconds later. 

“I’m really happy for you, Leanna. Truly. I hope your future is full of happiness and love. And lots and lots of di-” She cut me off, throwing her hand over my mouth. “I’ll stop you right there. Is this you practicing for your maid of honor speech?” I nodded, shoving her hand away. “It’s going to be epic.” She laughed softly. “I know it is. I just wish I could take you on my honeymoon.” I wiggled my eyebrows, answering smoothly, “I’ll be your stowaway.” 

~

“Is she dead? Is she dead?” 

The frantic voice booming over me belonged to the very same laughter that still flitted through my ears. I remember the first time I ever heard it. We were in highschool, eating on opposite sides of the cafeteria, before we even knew each other. I heard her laughing at something one of her other friends said and glanced up just to make eye contact with her across the room. A look of pure innocence framed her face as she smiled brightly and waves me over. 

It was the start to a wild friendship, one that has lasted the years. Even as two nearly middle aged women now, we still find ways to pretend we’re teenagers. Like last night, when we got drunk off of beer and made a home made pizza. 

“I’m okay, Leanna. Stop yelling at the doctors,” I croaked. She instantly laid her head down on the not-so-plush pillow and started sobbing. “I thought you were gone.” I wanted to hold her hand, I wanted to tell her it was going to be okay, but I couldn’t find the energy. The lights overhead seemed different, so I took the little amount of strength I had and looked around. I was met with a small room, no bigger than a broom closet, and two doctors hovering near the doorway. It wasn’t as bright here, with only one light illuminating it. It was oddly more comforting than the pristine,  neon lit room we were in before.

Once my burning eyes met with Gertrude’s pale ones, she was moving. “Hey, Annabelle. Can you look at the wall behind me,” she cooed, shining a small light in my eyes. The sharp pain in my eyes from the bright pen light being so close almost made me close them, but just as I blinked, she pulled away from me. “I’m not getting good pupillary responses…” 

She thought she was speaking quietly. She thought I couldn’t hear her, but I could. “My eyes are just dry, got any eye drops?” I joked, coughing on the razor blades in my throat. I could still taste the smoke that rolled over the ceiling. “This isn’t funny, Anna! Your heart stopped!” She was holding onto my arm tightly, trying to keep herself upright. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easily,” I said around the oxygen mask they were slipping over my face. She smiled at me weakly. It was wobbly and it was fake, but it was there. 

“I think it’s time that we have a real conversation about the state your body is in,” Gertrude said softly. She started listing off the amount of damage that had been done by the fire alone, then the smoke damage to my lungs, followed by the internal bleeding that was caused by the beam that collapsed on top of me. With each grim word I knew what they were saying. I knew the point they were getting at, even if they wouldn’t say it. 

“So, we’re going to take you into surgery in just a few minutes. We didn’t have any operating rooms available yet so we’re waiting. We’re on standby. And, as soon as that room is sanitized, we will be taking you back. That being said,” She paused, taking a deep, steadying breath. “Is there anyone else you’d like for us to call. Anyone that you’d like to see before…” Her words fell short. 

I shook my head softly, realizing now that each second that passed could very well be the last chance I have to be there for my best friend. 

“Can I just get a minute alone with my best friend?” I asked. She nodded her head, offering Leanna a pat on the shoulder as she walked away. With one last glance over her shoulder at me, she shut the door. 

“Don’t.” 

“Leanna, I just wanted to say-” She cut me off, standing up off the edge of my bed. “I said, don’t! Don’t you dare tell me goodbyes, Annabelle!” She was shaking. I was shaking. Maybe it was the room shaking, I don’t know. But each breath I drew in became more and more heavy, like it was laced with helium. 

“Sit.” 

She sat back down, pulling my hand back into her lap. 

“I’m going to say this, for me, not for you. You have to let me get through this,” I stopped as my throat clenched. Each word was like swallowing broken glass, but I may never get to say them again. 

“If I-”

“You won’t.” 

I smiled softly at my friend. Oh, how I wish she were right.

“Okay. But, if I do. I need you to promise me something.” 

She nodded her head softly, encouraging me to go on. For once, my best friend was sitting silently and letting me do all the talking. 

“I need you to promise me that if I do. You will live. You will find a new friend-”

She sobbed loudly, “I won’t.” 

It was getting harder for me to keep my vision from fading. Each breath was weighted, either from the smoke that invaded my chest or from the heaviness of the situation. I let the nurse that came in check me over quickly, hooking me up to another machine before I continued. 

“You will. And you two will be thick as thieves. I want you to tell her about me, and about all the trouble we got into. Tell her, or him, about your dumbass friend who nearly lit herself on fire trying to make a pizza.” I laughed through the tears that were now falling down my cheeks, soaking my gown. The dimly lit room was beginning to buzz from the outside and I knew it was getting close to go time. I could hear the shuffling of nurses and doctors outside the door. 

“You will ask someone else to be your maid of honor. And no, they won’t do as amazing as I would. I have a rough draft of your wedding speech on my phone. You can read it, then get rid of the phone. No one else can see all my ugly selfies and the amount of ungodly screenshots I have on that thing.” I laughed again. It was easier to think now. Easier to speak. 

“You will be my bridesmaid. And you will be there, standing beside me as I marry the love of my life, or so help me I will not get married,” She threatened. I smiled softly at her. 

“You’re just talking crazy now.” 

The same male doctor from earlier walks in, clipboard in hand. “I’m doctor Lackner, I’ll be taking you into surgery soon. Dr. Adams is already waiting for us but there’s a few questions I need answered before we can start. First of all, how are you feeling?” I attempted to shrug my shoulders, but they barely moved. He checked over my stats as he held my wrist softly. Nodding his head in concentration he wrote something down before checking my pupils again.

“I’m not in any pain. I don’t feel any of it, actually.” 

He wrote something down, his brows tangled in a look of frustration. “Are you allergic to anything that you know of?” I shook my head. He asked me a few more medical questions, all of them seeming pertinent to how I was going to handle a surgery right now. When he was content that there was nothing more I could tell him, he checked my vitals one more time and left the room. The silence enveloped us. It was almost too much until Leanna spoke again. 

“I will never recover. If you…” she shook her head, unable to say it. 

“I will never be able to heal from that. Do you hear me? So, you aren’t allowed to go. You aren’t allowed to leave me.” Her chest was heaving so hard that tendrils of her onyx hair were rocking in sync with it. I took a second to appreciate her beauty, and to imagine how she is going to look in her wedding dress. She’s had it picked out since we were freshman in college. 

“You are going to do great things, Leanna. Promise me, you will not get stuck. You will move forward, even if it’s at the pace of a snail. John will help you. Let him.” My words were barely there, like whispers of wind caressing my lips. There was a slight ringing in my ears, one that I hadn’t noticed before. 

“I love you, Leanna. You have been the most amazing sister anyone could have. Even when we argued. Even when we couldn’t stand each other. Your friendship has meant the world to me.” I squeezed her hand gently, or atleast, I tried to. She laid her forehead against mine as a fresh wave of tears poured from her eyes. 

“I love you Annabelle. So much. It’s been my pleasure to have you as my sister. Nothing is ever going to change that. Even the awkward moment when you come out of this surgery and we celebrate with shots. You are going to be fine.” 

I nodded at my best friend as the humming in my veins seemed to slow down. I could hear each beat of my heart in my ears as I lost grip of her hand. The doctors were coming in now, readying me for surgery as Leanna screamed for me to hang on. I tried to tell her that I wasn’t going anywhere, but I don’t think she heard me. 

And as the operating room came into view, the doors flopping shut behind me, the last of my strength left me. It all went black.

~

Leanna:

My legs were numb from standing for so long. Scars peppered my palms as I held them out, taking the veil from the stylist. 

It’s been two years since the fire. Two years, and not a day goes by that I don’t find myself double checking my stove is off. The paranoia often overrules the voice telling me that I know I cut it off, I know I unplugged the toaster, I know I blew out my candles. But it doesn’t keep me from adding a thirty minute checklist into my nightly routine, no matter where I am. The dress I’d purchased three months ago was beautiful. It was just within budget and looked just as amazing on as it did in the pictures I’d been collecting since Annabelle and I picked it out years ago. 

My fingers brushed over the scars absentmindedly. 

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that day. 

Not a single day. 

“That one is gorgeous! Oh, Leanna!” My mother gushed, flaying the lace around my shoulders as I met my own gaze in the mirror. As I stared into my own dark eyes, I never remembered them being this dark, I saw her. 

I pictured her own light brown hair flowing beneath the veil, her limbs flapping around flamboyantly as she told a story. She always did that. Spoke with her hands. 

Each word she made me promise flashed into my mind as I took in Gracie, my maid of honor. She’s going to be my sister in law, so it made John happy. 

And I want you to tell her about me…

I held my breath as I remembered each and every time she made me laugh. Each time she held my hand through a rough day. There was no one like her on this earth, and after that fire snuffed her out, there is no one else. 

I did what she said and got her speech off of her phone. She really did get a head start on it, then again, the wedding would have been sooner if not for my grief swallowing me whole. I didn’t leave the house for weeks. I canceled every dress fitting that I’d scheduled ahead of time. Before I lost her. 

But, I crawled out of the hole. Slowly, but surely. Each second without her feels like an eternity, and one in hell at that. I miss the way she laughed. I miss how her nose crinkled slightly after she caught sight of something she didn’t like. Her emotions were always on her sleeve, and more times than not I’d have to remind her to fix her face. 

Even so, there was never a more loyal friend than Annabelle. 

And in my heart, I doubt that there ever will be. 

But I promised her that I’d tell our stories. It’s the only thing that propelled me forward, gathering everyone around to tell them about the time that she made a veil of tissue paper and we got drunk on wine and made vows for each other. 

And for the life of me, I can’t imagine any vows to be better.