Smiles that Hide Secrets

Trigger warning: This story contains self-harm, mental health issues, and physical abuse.

The first time I saw Rowan Whitlock, my first though was, 'that kid is the happiest person I'll ever meet.' I don't know why it popped into my head. Maybe it was his colorful tie-dye shirt, or his bright red sneakers, or the way his eyes shone. But at that moment, I knew with all my heart that I had to go meet him.

"Hi!" I heard myself saying as I waltzed up to him. I was surprised at myself; I was usually not a social person.

"Hello," he said, sounding slightly amused, looking at me with those bright, bright eyes. "I'm Rowan."

"Everleigh," I said, still lost in his eyes.

"Interesting name," Rowan commented, "I like it."

I grin; I'd barely said two words to him and I was already taken.

"So, Rowan," I said as we walked to history. A quick comparison of our schedules showed we had it together. "Did you move here? I don't remember seeing you around." And I definitely wouldn't have forgotten you.

"Yeah," Rowan said, "I moved from Buffalo, New York."

"Oh," I said in surprise, "all this heat must be quite a change."

"You could say that again," Rowan chuckled.

My heart went wild at the image of his wide smile. If only he knew how much he affected me.

October 14th

It's been two months since I moved here, and Everleigh is still my only friend. I don't want to sound ungrateful to her, but I wish people liked me more. I wish I didn't have to be such a nuisance. Maybe then I wouldn't be a disappointment.

Mom and dad fought again today. They screamed so loud that I had to sit and cover my ears, and even then, I still caught bits and pieces. I wish I could just gouge my ears out. Everything would be so much better if I just wasn't here. My parents wouldn't be fighting. Everything would be okay.

The only escape I have is Everleigh. When I'm talking to her, it feels, just for a moment, like I can breathe. Like I don't have to worry. Like I'm wanted.

Halloween was coming up soon, and Rowan and I still hadn't hung out yet, even after two months.

"Hey," I said at lunch one day, "Do you want to come over on Halloween? We could hang out, maybe watch a scary movie..." My voice trailed off at the sad look that passed over his face. It was gone as quick as it appeared, and I thought I had imagined it.

"Sure," said Rowan, "I just need to check with my parents first." I thought I'd imagined the brief shadow that'd passed over his face.

October 30th

The idea of asking my parents to go anywhere is laughable. They'd probably be happier with me gone anyways, if they even noticed that I was gone.

I wonder what Everleigh's house will look like. Hopefully happier than mine. I imagine it sort of whimsical, like her, and maybe with her same forest smell. Is it weird that I notice her scent?

I waited nervously for Rowan to arrive. I'd never had a boy over before, and I didn't know how to act. The doorbell rang suddenly, and after a moment of split-second hesitation, I go and answer the door.

Rowan stood there, in his iconic tie-dye shirt, this time orange for the occasion. His light brown hair was slightly messy and swept in front of his face, shielding his dark eyes. He grins when he sees me.

"Hey, Everleigh," he said with a smile, "I like the new hairstyle."

I beamed at him. I'd had my frizzy, out of control hair braided into a kanekalon type style, with small metal bands around some of the braids. I'd never tried the popular hairstyle, but I admit, my black hair was much more manageable.

Realizing Rowan was still standing on the porch, I cleared my throat and said, "Well, um... do you want to come in?"

Rowan crossed the threshold of my home and looked around, shrugging off his worn sneakers.

"Nice house," he commented, his bright eyes still scanning the place.

"Thanks," I replied, and we lapsed into silence. I hadn't though bringing him here would be this awkward. For once, I was glad my skin was dark so he couldn't see my blush. I, however, detected no trace of any blushing on his tan skin, ever the confident one.

I cleared my throat. "Do- um, do you want to go upstairs?" Like many houses in Nevada, I didn't have a basement.

"Sure," he said with an indifferent shrug.

As I lead him upstairs, I was already wondering what he thought of me, of my house. Having had no idea what his living situation was, I had no idea if he liked it or not.

"Where are your parents?" Rowan inquired.

"They're at a Halloween party with some of their friends; they're pretty chill about me hanging out with people."

"Cool. So what scary movies do you have?" Rowan asked as we enter are living room. It's nothing impressive, but it did have a reasonably sized TV.

"Hmm... we have Carrie, The Ring, Insidious..."

"Let's watch The Ring. I've seen all the others before."

"Suit yourself. I've heard it's a scary one," I said.

"Have you seen it?" asked Rowan.

"No," I admitted, "I'm usually too afraid for horror movies."

"Not tonight?" Rowan questioned.

"I guess not," I answered, trying to sound nonchalant.

"We don't have to watch it if you don't want to," Rowan said, but I shrugged him off.

"No, it's okay."

The movie began with two girls in their room, discussing a mysterious video tape. Rowan and I settled in on the couch, a reasonable distance between us. As an unsettling image of a murdered girl filled up the screen, I nearly jumped out of my skin, barely suppressing my shriek.

"Steady there," said Rowan, sounding slightly amused.

"Shut up," I said, though I was smiling.

"If this is too scary for you, we can turn it off," teased Rowan.

"I think I can handle it," I said, though I jumped again several minutes later.

"Are you sure?" Rowan asked skeptically, scooting closer to me on the couch.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, feigning ignorance, though I secretly wanted him to move closer.

My unease of watching a scary movie just grew as it went on, and I jumped several more times, my heart beating wildly. Each time it happened, Rowan moved just a tiny bit closer to me, until he put a hand gently on my arm.

"You don't have to be scared," he said, but this time he said it in a serious voice. I didn't look at him. His hand slid down from my forearm until it found my hand, and he began rubbing the back of my hand in circular motions.

I thought I was going to burst.

I took a deep breath, then risked a glance at him. I melted the instant I saw those eyes.

Before I knew what was happening, we were kissing, embraced, all of it. I couldn't believe it. Rowan. Rowan was kissing me. And I was kissing him back.

November 1st

Last night was definitely unexpected, to say the least. It was probably the happiest I've been in a while.

It might be the only time I've ever been actually happy.

Because I'm a fake. I huge, lying fake. I smile, people think I'm happy, but I'm not. I'm never happy because the yelling voices are always lurking in the back of my mind, waiting for me when I get home. I can't escape.

Except for when I'm with Everleigh.

But she probably doesn't care for me the same way I do for her; last night was probably just a one time thing.

That Monday, as I arrived at school, I couldn't stop smiling. I was also nervous to see Rowan, scared that Halloween night didn't mean what I thought it meant.

"Hi," a voice said behind me, and I turned to see Rowan there. He looked as nervous as I felt.

"Hi," I repeated, my heart going wild as I turned to look at him.

"What's up?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Nothing much," I answered, "What's up with you?"

But the bell rang before he could answer, and I couldn't get away fast enough.

The rest of the day was equally awkward between us, and Rowan finally addressed it at lunch.

"Everleigh," he said seriously, "we need to talk about... what happened."

"What happened," I repeated, "yeah."

"Meet me by the back doors after school."

"I'll be there."

After school, Rowan and I met at the back doors of the high school, not speaking until most everyone else was cleared out.

"So," I said.

"So."

I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn't think of what to say, so I closed it.

"About what happened on Halloween..." Rowan began, but I interrupted.

"I know," I said, "you probably didn't mean any of it, you were just in the moment. Am I right?"

"What?" said Rowan, looking startled. "I don't... I mean..." For once, he looked to be at a loss for words.

"So... you don't feel that way? It wasn't just a spur of the moment?"

"I- well, I mean, I-" Rowan sputtered, still seemingly trying to make out words.

"Okay," he said at last, "Can I be honest with you, Everleigh?"

"I'd welcome that," I said.

"Well, if truth be told... I really like you. And at least on my part, what happened on Halloween was real. And I just... well, I think you're very pretty."

I blinked, then laughed in surprise. "You really are bad at this," I told him with a smile.

It was Rowan's turn to blink. "So you feel the same?" he asked earnestly. "You... have feelings?"

"Yeah," I said, surprised at how easily the words came, "I guess you could say that."

"Can I kiss you?" asked Rowan his voice dream-like, "I really want to kiss you."

I beat him to it.

November 3rd

Bliss. That's the word to describe my feelings right now. I don't know how this worked out, how I could possibly be so lucky... and then I come home. I imagine Everleigh seeing my wreck of a house, my wreck of a family, and I'm ashamed.

I don't deserve her.

I would just make her miserable, and that's the last thing I want. So though I want to be with her, I mostly just want her to be happy.

And to do that, I need to get away from her.

It'll probably take a minute for me to gather the courage to lie and say I don't love her, but breaking her heart is the only way to ensure that she's safe from me, the way my parents weren't.

My heart is already starting to break just thinking about it.

We were happy. Anyone could have seen it from the looks on our faces. Every time I saw Rowan, I wanted to smile forever.

But something was... off with him. And I couldn't figure it out.

He'd stopped wearing the tie-dye shirts I loved so much, even though it was still warm outside. His face was paler, and I was getting worried.

"Rowan?" I asked at school one day, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes, "why?"

"I'm worried about you. You're acting differently, and I- I want to help you."

"You have nothing to be worried about," he said, grabbing my hand and pressing it to his lips.

"No, I'm really worried," I said, pulling my hand away, "Maybe I could stop by your house after school and we could talk about it."

Rowan's expression darkened. "I don't think that's a good idea," he said, "My dad... doesn't like it when I bring friends over."

I frowned. Even after months of knowing each other, of dating, I still hadn't been to Rowan's house. He also never talked about his family, and I'd never met his parents.

So two days after that conversation, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I heard the voices before I saw the house.

I'd decided to look up Rowan's address in the school directory, and I'd rode my bike to where it said he lived. As I approached, I heard faint voices yelling, and something that sounded like crying.

I stopped, looking at the house where it was coming from, and my heart sank.

It was Rowan's house.

The structure was small and dilapidated, the yard overgrown with weeds and shrubbery. The paint of the house was faded and peeling, and I was unable to tell what color it had once been. The porch looked like it had collapsed long ago, and trash littered the yard.

Oh gosh. No wonder he hadn't wanted me to come over.

But I'd come this far, so I forced myself off the bike and marched up to the front door.

As soon as I'd knocked on the splintering door, the fierce voices ceased.

Then it was opened by a woman with brown hair, her cheeks flushed and her hands shaking.

"Oh," she said, surprised when she saw me, "Can I help you?" Her voice sounded raw, and I noticed what seemed to be bruises on her arms.

"Hi," I said uncertainly, "is Rowan here? I'm a friend from school."

"Rowan?" she said, blinking like she'd forgotten something, "Oh. I don't believe he's here right now."

"Any idea where he could be?"

"The park, perhaps? I always did love the outdoors..." the woman trailed off, sounding wistful.

"Thank you!" I said, gladly leaving the place.

I found Rowan just where his mother had said he'd be: the park. He was sitting on a bench, eyes closed, his brown hair waving in the slight wind.

His eyes flutter open as I sit beside him. I looked at him with a new perspective, knowing that my first impression of him was wildly incorrect. Rowan was not the happiest person I'd ever met; he just acted like he was.

"Everleigh," he said, "what are you doing here? How did you find me?"

"I went to your house. Your mother said you'd be here."

He recoils from me, as if I'd just tried to poison him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, hating the look of betrayal in those beautiful eyes.

"I didn't want you to see how badly I'd messed things up," said Rowan with a humorless laugh.

"What do you mean?"

"You saw my parents, didn't you? That should be all the conformation you need to know that I'm just a screwup."

"Rowan-"

"If I wasn't born, my parents wouldn't be like that. They'd be happy."

"It's not your fault," I told him, "none of this is your fault."

"But it is," he moaned, "it's all my fault."

"Stand up," I told him, standing myself. He mimicked me uncertainly.

I looked him straight in the eye and hugged him. I didn't think he'd been hugged, really hugged, in a long time.

I was right.

Rowan gripped me so hard that I almost couldn't breathe. Then he collapsed to his knees, pulling me with him, body shaking with sobs. I didn't care that people were staring, I was so nearly crushed by the image of him sobbing on the ground.

"I hate myself," he sobbed, "I hate myself."

"It's not your fault," I whispered, "None of this is your fault."

That just made him cry harder. With a trembling hand, he pulled up the sleeve of his sweatshirt, revealing red, raw scratches.

A few tears spilled onto my cheeks. "Oh, Rowan, you didn't..."

"I hurt myself," he sobbed, "I hurt myself. I wanted to make myself suffer."

"Come here," I whispered, and I held him for a long, long time.