Breaking Free

Day 1. 

Martin fiddled with the sticky note in his hand. It resembled a wad of mush at this point since it had been floating around in his pocket for so long. Oceanpoint Church, 198 Fairview Way, it read. He didn’t need the note anymore, the address was committed to memory. 

It was sunny out but cold, the kind of cold that makes you re-evaluate why you live in a place where the air hurts your face. Martin felt like he deserved to be uncomfortable. The rock hard bench added insult to injury. He’d lost track of how long he’d been there. 

Nobody approached him with his airpods in. I wouldn’t want to approach me either, he thought. He didn’t even attempt to cover up his bruised cheek before he left the house. 27 notifications silently judged him from his home screen but he scrolled through his songs instead. He sighed and sipped his coffee while silently begging the coffee gods to take his headache away. Ironically Martin wasn’t even religious. How could there be a god with all this suffering in the world? 

There was a time that he prayed. An image of his mom came to mind, the sounds of the beeping machines and smell of antiseptic. 

People walked by him on the sidewalk and carried on with their seemingly content lives. He envied them. Martin’s attention drifted to the sound of the children squealing in the distance at a nearby playground. Their blissful unawareness toward the freezing temperature was remarkable. Martin thought about his own childhood. It wasn’t all that bad, so where did things go wrong?

He considered responding to the 27 notifications but couldn’t bear the shame. He wasn’t ready to face last night. He wasn’t ready to face life in general. His body ached in ways he couldn’t explain and his head continued to pound. He most likely owed some detailed apologies to people he might not even know. The music wasn’t exactly helping but any distraction was welcomed at this point. 

Martin envisioned his feet grounded on a mountain, his shoes caked in dirt and sweat dripping down his face. Deep in the woods somewhere with nothing but a backpack. No humans, no technology, just him at peace by himself. It was the one place he was undoubtedly comfortable. Hiking was his forte because there wasn’t any competition. Your only job is to walk. Chris McCandless was onto something when he removed himself from society.

His Apple Watch read 1:55. It was almost time but he wasn’t ready. He never was, why did he think this time would be any different? Screw this, he thought as he began to gather his things. Martin was going to get into his car and drive as far north as he could until he ran out of gas. This irrational thought both excited and terrified him. Anything was better than facing reality. 

On second thought, maybe I should go south to get out of the cold…

He was hastily packing up when his keys fell to the concrete. As he leaned over to get them he was startled by a brown blur making a beeline for him. The dog immediately licked Martin’s hand and put her head in his lap. The dog’s owner looked exasperated and slightly embarrassed. 

“I’m so sorry, sometimes she insists on saying hi to people. She pulled me over here just to see you!” The owner said with a bright smile, warm air coming out of her mouth in clouds.

Martin removed his AirPods to be polite. The chocolate Labrador Retriever wagged her tail rhythmically and stared into his soul with big, beautiful brown eyes. Her head was square and she was solid but not fat. She seemed unaware of the cold just like the kids playing outside. 

“English Labrador?” he asked. “I had one as a kid.”

“Yes, they’re short and built like tanks. She’s the most loyal friend I’ve ever had.” The owner said. She adjusted her scarf to be tighter around her neck.

Martin felt shy but obligated to talk as he continued to pet the dog. These strangers didn’t seem to care that his face was messed up or that he looked like hell in general.

“My lab would swim year round and didn’t care about the cold. Does she swim?” He asked. 

“Oh yes, can’t keep her out of the water. She’s happier than ever in a puddle, jumping in the shower when she’s not invited, running into someone’s pool…you get the picture.” 

As Martin petted the dog he felt something in him shift. She leaned on his leg as he scratched her side. He felt a connection. He felt connected to this animal he didn’t even know. 

The owner started to tug on the leash. “Well thanks for saying hi, but we’ve got to get going. Come on Sasha!” The dog held his gaze a few more moments before she trotted away. She turned back to look at him once more before disappearing around the corner of the church.

Sasha. 

He was stunned. His mom was named Sasha. His chest tightened and he was flooded with emotion. Martin wished for nothing more than to talk to his mom, to feel her embrace and for her to give him advice. Martin’s mom was always supportive of him no matter the circumstances. 

He envisioned her face and tried to remember her voice but it’d been so long he could hardly remember it. When his mom was dying she talked to him about how the most important thing in life was to be happy. How sometimes taking a chance was the exact thing that needed to be done. 

I want to be happy, Martin thought as a tear rolled down his face. He wanted to be happy like Sasha the dog, rolling in puddles and saying hi to strangers with enthusiasm. 

With trembling hands he stood up and grabbed his coffee. I Want to Break Free by Queen came blasting through his headphones as if the universe was giving him a push. A push toward a better life. A push toward sobriety. He pushed open the door to the church, finally ready to attend AA.