I know How He Feels

I Know How He Feels

It wasn’t until much later after our relationship that I remembered the very first time I saw you. My eighth grade class from St. Cecilia was taking a trip to St. Thomas More High School for a tour as a possible landing place for our freshman year. Walking through the main lobby I heard someone hollering “are you coming Bip?” That is what drew my attention to you, when my head spun around to see who the recipient of this ‘hollering’ was. I was unprepared for what I saw; you, standing in the library doorway picking up a pen you had dropped. You were in your school uniform with the infamous pukka necklace you always wore and that I later came to love. My first thought was “if they have guys like him here I am definitely coming to school here” and I did.

The year we met for the second time I was working at Burger King and a boy came through my drive thru, we talked for a while and then apparently he liked me because minutes later decided to give me a call. That boy was John and he became a very important person in my life. He was the one that introduced us. John had invited me and a couple of my friends over to his apartment that weekend to watch movies with him and a couple of his friends. Thinking that this could possibly become something more, I agreed.

Danielle, Melinda and I showed up and knocked on the door. I knew that John had invited me over because he was interested in me. I immediately felt a wave of guilt because the very first place my eyes landed were on you, and your beautiful brown eyes were looking directly at me. For me it was like being struck by lightning and right then and there is when I believed in love at first site. I had never felt like that before and I have never felt is since. Later Danielle and Melinda mentioned that they needed to leave to meet their curfew. I mentioned I still had a couple of hours before I had to be home, that’s when you offered to drive me home so that I could stay longer. My heart soared and I just knew this was going to be a night that would change my life forever.

I will never forget sitting in your truck in my driveway and our first kiss, your lips were so soft. We fooled around a little and I didn’t want the night to end. I gave you my phone number and ask you to call me.You were all I thought about after that.

Then next day my phone rang and it was you, I was surprised, I really didn’t think you would call. I remember you asking me “when we were going to finish what we had started last night?” Without thinking I replied “just let me know when and where and I will be there.” You told me that John was leaving to go on vacation and you would be “house” sitting for him. We planned our meeting there on Saturday. I was so nervous and excited to be there with you. We showered together and ended up making love for the first time, in John’s bed. I felt of twinge of guilt for that later, but not enough to say I would never do it again.

It became a re-occurrence of us meeting up on the weekends at “the barn” for parties. I was so happy for a while because I thought you were really interested in more that sex from me. You wanted me around all the time and I wanted to be there. You never asked me out on a proper date. I don’t know what you were thinking at that time, but man did I want. The closest we ever came to a “real” date was when you and I planned a day at the barn just for us and for the second time we made love, in that barn. Afterwards you took me to burger king to get some food. That was the closest and the saddest we ever came.

I became so frustrated with the situation that one weekend I decided not to go to the “barn” party with Danielle and Melinda and went to a classmate’s party instead. I remember sitting in the garage watching people play some sort of drinking game. I was having the worst time and missed you so much but I had a point to prove (how stupid we were in our youth). All of a sudden I looked up and saw you strutting across the yard heading straight for me. I’m not sure how you found out I was there and truthfully I didn’t care. You gave a huge gesture and that was important to me. You asked me to follow you to your house that is where we made love for the third and final time, in your shower. I don’t ever remember being that happy again. I thought that was going to be one of the greatest days of my life, but boy was I wrong.

Then came the worst disappointment I thought I could take. A few of us were hanging out at Keith’s house. Back then I did not understand why he had invited us there, but I soon found out. He told me that you were going to my Sadie Hawkins dance with Patti. I was in shock and my heart felt like someone had stabbed a knife straight through it. The first, and really the only thing that had come to mind, “Hurt him back!” And boy did I do that. At first I wasn’t planning on going to Sadie Hawkins, but I changed my mind. Right then I asked Keith to come with me, I was sure you seeing the two of us together would hurt and Keith, your so called friend, agreed to come with me. I should have thought things through, I knew something was off but, I just wanted to see you in pain. I didn’t have feelings for Keith, I never did. I guess that he didn’t tell you that we were going together because the shock I saw on your face when you saw us together was real. I felt immediate joy, followed by guilt. What had I done? Later I saw you and Keith talking behind the bleachers. I could hear that you were talking about me and I knew that I had succeeded in causing you pain and all it did was break my heart. All I wanted to do was run to you and tell you how sorry I was and about the pain that you had caused me going with someone else to my dance. Of course I didn’t do that. What I did next wrote my future….. Keith came up to me and offered me a little white pill and told me to take it because it would make me feel better, he knew I was upset. I didn’t know what I was taking and at that point I didn’t really care. I do not remember much after that and now I know why, what Keith had given me was ecstasy.

The next thing I remember is seeing your face, filled with horror and shock. You had walked in on Keith and me in one of his rental homes or cabins whatever that was. We were naked and in bed together. You backed out of the door so quickly that you missed a step and fell into the mud. I gathered the sheets off the bed and wrapped them around me, then I joined you in the mud. There was pain in your eyes and still to this day I wonder if it was real. I was so disgusted with myself and the whole situation. How could I do that? How do I go about explaining something like that to you, especially when I didn’t understand what was happening myself? This will never work.

Out of desperation I decided to go over to your house the next weekend with friends. Almost upon walking through the door, Keith walked up to me and grabbed my arm and pulled me into your bedroom, what kind of “friend” does that. I couldn’t believe it. He was doing whatever he could to get me to sleep with him, what kind of “friend” does that, he had no pills this time to confuse me. I told him that we would never be happening again and I walked out of the room. Our eyes meet upon my exiting and I saw a look of relief on your face.

I spent the whole night that night writing you a long letter. I told you a lot about myself in that letter. Mostly I wanted to apologize to your profusely and let you know that nothing had happened the night before with Keith. I told you about my “first time” when I was taken advantage of at a party. How I didn’t want to have sex, but he insisted. I let you know that you were the first person I gave myself to. I’m not sure how much that letter helped, but it was all I could do. I waited for days to hear from you and stopped coming around because I had it in my head, that you walking in on “sleeping” with your best friend was something that we would never get passed. But man I wanted to….I loved you!

I believe, by Christmas we were no longer communicating. So on New Year’s Eve when Danielle asked me to go on a blind date with her boyfriend’s friend I agreed. That is when I met Rick, ugh, I wish I would have paid attention to the red flags on that one, but I just wanted to get over you. While sitting in PE, Melanie Juno turned around to face me in PE class and asked if you and I were seeing each other. I told her no, that I was actually seeing someone else and asked her why. She replied that Kim had feelings for you and wanted to go out with you, but she didn’t want to cause any problems. I assured her that it would not be a problem though I just wanted to say, yes it would be a problem…I love him! It still must have been a while before you and Kim started dating though, because I ran into you at Mardi Gras, you grabbed me and kissed me. Wow, I wished then and there I would have said screw Rick and asked you to take me back. But I was with my future sister-in-law and I was panicking, she would tell Rick and he had already started abusing me. I told him about it before she could and he demanded I give him your number because he wanted to talk to you. I didn’t know what to do, I was scared. I felt so guilty when you called me to apologize, I knew how he could be and I’m sorry I put you in that position to save myself!

That was it that was the moment I knew we would never be the same that I would never be able to be with you again. It became evident when I ran into you at a party and you walked out of your way to go around me. I still loved you…..and that hurt!

When I finally saw you and Kim together it broke my heart and got me to thinking about all the things that had to have transpired for you two to be together. And it struck me like a pile of bricks, that everything that had happened….Patti inviting you to Sadie Hawkins and Keith telling me about it so I would hopefully ask him to go with me, Keith giving me the ecstasy at the dance and finally you walking in on us, how did you know we were there? Keith had to have told you. Those people involved in these events were close to Kim and would have rather you be with her than me, I wasn’t part of their “click”.

One thing I want you to know is that I loved you, then and now. At the time my young 17 year old heart just didn’t know what to do with that love. If you would have asked me to marry you, I would have said yes without missing a beat.

The years that followed were not kind to me. Rick and I got serious and I got pregnant, and I love my child, but our relationship became abusive and I got out after 1 year of marriage. In 1997 I met Shane, we got married and had 2 more kids which I adore. At year 5 I knew I was ready to get out, but I stayed for my kids. Shane was a narcissist with a gambling problem we ended up filing for bankruptcy twice. Not to mention that he was always working out of town and cheated on me multiple times. Finally in 2015 my son left for college and after 20 years of marriage I had enough, my youngest begged me to leave, so I did.

Also in 1997, right after giving birth to my son, I attended my 10 year high school reunion and of course you were there with Kim. I don’t think she was happy that you spent almost the entire night with me but I could not make myself tell you to go away. That night I had the courage to tell you how I had really felt about you how in love I had been with you when we were together and you shocked me by telling me you had been in love with me too. How did things get so messed up?

When the start of Facebook came around you would come up in my “someone you might know” list. I found it easier to have you out of sight and out of mind, so I waited years before sending you a friend request. I thought I could handle seeing you again. Was I wrong, when you messaged me “hello friend” all of the memories of you came back and my feelings rushed back…..I still loved you.

Not long after, tragedy struck, you lost your best friend and I lost someone who had come to be very special to me. I don’t think I ever told you but John and I saw each other a couple of times after he came back from the navy. I knew it wouldn’t work though, I still had feelings for you and I just couldn’t. I messaged you to find out about the funeral arrangements. I told you that Danielle and I would probably be attending.

Danielle and I talked to old friends. I looked around and there you were in your glory. I had forgotten how tall you were, you just stood out in the crowd. I didn’t want to interrupt you so I stayed in the background just taking you in. Danielle didn’t care though, she walked straight through that crowd and threw her arms around your waist. The moment you looked down and saw it was her, your head flew up and you started looking around and then our eyes met and you smiled. Everyone around you knew that something had happened by the look on your face. It was so funny because the entire group parted like the Red Sea and opened up a path for me to walk to you. We wrapped our arms around each other and I asked how you were doing and you said much better now, you kissed me on top of the head and said, you have made my day! I was so happy to bring some happiness to you on that particular day. We talked a little, you asked me about my divorce and I asked about your life. I know it was a funeral, but I never wanted to leave, I wanted to stay in that moment with you forever but we don’t always get what we want do we?

Then comes my 30 year reunion and I was so excited because I knew I would see you there. Kyle and I had just started dating and he came with me. I noticed that you did take a few turns around the room and stop right by me. I couldn’t understand that every time I see you my heart does cartwheels. How could love last that long?

A couple of years ago Kyle and I moved back to Lafayette, I missed my hometown and he could see that. I secretly wished and still wish that I would run into you. I know that we are both married and both happy, with children and for me grandchildren but I still find myself looking forward to looking at my stories on Facebook and just seeing you there.

Know that I have loved you since day “2” of us meeting and still do today. I can still picture those big brown eyes and necklace that you used to where. I miss hearing you stutter my name, it was always music to my ears when you said Melissa. I miss that little Toyota (Toy) truck you drove, I was always watching for it. There are very few days in my life that I don’t think about you and what could have been, sometimes I think about all of the things I would do differently if I were able to do it again. I do still find myself hoping we could be together. Nothing could ever stop me from loving you, not in this life or any other life. Eric...I love you still.