The Wedding Day

Claire

The warm zephyr lifted my hair and enveloped me in the rich aroma of espresso from the nearby café. The clouds were voluminous and soft, gliding through the October sky. The comforting rustle of brittle, brilliant leaves drifting in the breeze and crackling under foot punctuated the otherwise quiet scene. Eyes closed and with a slow exhale, I gave myself over to the blissful autumn day.

I rarely took time to spend alone, meditating and focusing on just being.  Today seemed like an ideal day to be alone, away from the normal throngs of people, deadlines, commitments, and minutiae.  I allowed myself to still and attempted to block anything that would add stress to my recovering spirit.

It was nearly impossible, though, to keep my mind from wandering to the nagging worries that generally occupied its space. Most recently, Greg hijacked my thoughts.  News of my ex-fiancé’s wedding today, to another, had hit me hard and sent me reeling.  I thought I was over him, but somehow every feeling, good and bad, was stirred up and magnified with this bold period at the end of OUR sentence.

I had fleeting visions of myself storming into the ceremony when the officiant asks for any reason the couple cannot commit and loudly proclaiming our obvious connection as reason enough! All faces would turn to me and Greg would look up, a hazy veil lifting from his eyes, and we would run toward each other in slow motion while the onlookers faded into the shadows.

Of course, in this fictitious scenario, all of our problems as a couple will have been resolved and no one would be left at the altar, humiliated and broken. It was a fault of the empathetic spirit I inherited from my grandmother that I could never do something that might hurt another without feeling it myself. It was a blessing and a curse. Knowing this, I could never actually attempt to ruin someone’s wedding. And really, if we were meant to be, Greg would not be about to marry another in a few hours.

Reluctantly reflecting on our story, I knew that it was not that noteworthy. We met in the college library while both reaching for the same book on the philosophy of education, required reading for an Early Education major.  We hadn’t noticed each other before in our shared classes, but became inseparable afterward. Shortly after graduation, we had moved in together and scheduled student teaching in the same city. The engagement followed quickly, with our similar vision of a large family and happily-ever-after providing the glue for our two halves.

I suppose there were many reasons for the demise of our relationship. Attempts to have children had been unsuccessful, with my seemingly defective uterus being the likely cause. Greg had verbalized that we could work through it, even consider adoption. Though his words sounded reassuring, his emotional retreat started a cascade of resentments, sadness, and ultimately physical distance between us. My automatic guilt response led me to further separate us, as I couldn’t deprive him of his dream of children. I try not to focus on the pain and emptiness that resulted from our breakup, as it was debilitating to lose him and the dreams we held together.

Being a natural introvert, I had retreated into myself, finding comfort in books and my pets and staying away from people and social media. Though it had been over a year since we separated, I still felt visceral pain when I spotted a wedding party or a smiling laughing family.  I decided it was not to be for me, as no one else could replace Greg in my mind. I recently decided that it was time to crawl out of my shell and focus on all the positive surrounding me.

Realizing that my thoughts were sending me in a negative direction when I was supposed to be here practicing my positive mediations, I rose to head home.  Though I knew there was a chance of spotting a wedding when I ventured out to the park on a perfect October Saturday, it still made me catch my breath to spot a beautiful small ceremony up on the hill.  Greg and I had always planned to get married in October, as it was our mutual favorite month of the year. From a distance, I could see that the bride was beautiful and young, and love and hope visibly radiated from her. As much as I was sad for me, I was happy for her and her husband-to-be.  I took one more inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth, blowing out all the negative energy, and turned away toward home. I resolved to focus on hope.

Etta

I can’t believe my dreams are coming true today!  Great things have never happened to me, and it seems the universe is finally on my side!  I’m getting married today!!  Fresh memories of my aunt waking me this morning with a blaring rendition of “Going to the Chapel” make me smile as I stare at my reflection in the mirror.

I look like a bride!   I could be on the cover of one of my magazines. My hair and makeup are perfect and my dress is amazing. Any woman who says she does not dream of this moment as a child is lying, I’m convinced. This is it the start of a new life, the beginning of a journey, the moment when we get to ride off into the sunset.

I’m so blessed to have met Greg.  Fresh from a breakup, he was a bit broken but I knew just how to put him back together. Some might say it has been a whirlwind romance, but who needs to wait when you know it’s right?  I knew it was right as soon as I saw him smile at me at the parent-teacher conference. 

I’m sure I looked frazzled, still reeling from the horrifying death of my sister and her husband and the transition of their son from nephew to ward.  I had no idea how to parent, but embraced the role as best I could. Ethan is a great kid, and though we have a lot to learn together, we also have love and trust.  Greg had been a mentor to Ethan and I had heard so many wonderful things from him, that I couldn’t wait to meet this godlike teacher.

I was not disappointed. Greg is boyishly handsome, having an appearance of openness and sincerity that immediately puts one at ease. We hit it off immediately and one thing led to another.

He has been an amazing support for Ethan and me, and it seems like we already have a ready-made family. I could not be happier today, praying that my sister and her husband are smiling down on us and our new future together with Greg.  

I adjust my veil and get ready to head to the park.  A beautiful venue for a perfect October wedding…

Greg

I’m getting married today. I stare at my reflection and try to muster the joy that I should be feeling. I look the part of a happy groom.  I’m marrying a beautiful woman and feeling blessed to be a father figure to an amazing boy. I could not ask for more, I muse, parroting what my parents keep telling me.

My parents. They couldn’t be happier that I have found a good Christian woman to marry. They want grandchildren and have already embraced Ethan with open arms. There could not be a more perfect situation in their mind, not focusing too much on the fact that Ethan is dealing with the death of his parents and may or may not be thrilled with this new family.  They were less enthusiastic with Claire, as we had lived together outside of marriage and then she could not have children. They had put a lot of pressure on me to break it off and I had eventually succumbed, as my heart also had not been in it anymore and the pain was debilitating.

I often marvel at the hold my parents have on me. It is a significant source of self-loathing. Growing up in an Evangelical Christian family, I learned good values and had good support, but also knew that that support may waiver if anything I said or did went against what my parents or their church deemed appropriate.  That included any hint of a relationship that was not “Christian based”. If they ever had any sense of my secret thoughts, I have no doubt that they would disown me.

It has always been easier to live the life that is set before me, the easy and accepted path. I do enjoy the time I spent with Etta, Claire, and other girlfriends. I really feel at ease with women and can appreciate them immensely.  My deepest feelings and passions, though, have always belonged to men.  

I knew from an early age that I was different. I was always more nervous around my guy friends than girls, more aware of how I appeared and how the perceived me. As I grew older, I understood that I was attracted to them, as well. Of course, knowing my parents’ feelings on homosexuality, I could never admit to it.  I felt disgusted with myself that I could not be like “everyone else”.  For the most part, I was able to repress those thoughts and act like I was “supposed to”. There were only one or two times in college that I allowed myself to explore my real passions, but the guilt that ensued made me realize that I could not go further. When I met Claire, I found a wonderful friend and partner. I loved her and decided that I could see myself with a family and kids. I know, though, that the ease with which I was able to separate myself from that engagement that I never was fully invested.  I always found more depth of intimacy with my best male friend than with Claire. As Chad has no idea how I feel and I could never tell him, I have had to be content with him believing we are just friends. It is a struggle to hide my real self while also feeing the most authentic when I am with him. 

At least I will see Chad today, as he is my best man. I hope that I can find happiness in the life I’ve chosen. Bravery has never been my strong suit.  With a heavy heart and a plastered-on smile, I make my way to the altar.