Happy

She could tell by the way they stood close to one another, sharing uncertain glances, that they didn’t understand what she was saying. They didn’t, maybe couldn’t, understand her perspective. They couldn’t feel the grasp it had on her, reaching up through her insides holding on tight with fingers made not of flesh but barbed wire. To pull away from it would tear her apart. 

The only other woman in the group was shaking her head slowly, a mask of disbelief stretched across her face in response to what she was hearing. Her thin arms were folded tightly across her chest as if trying to protect herself from a sudden violent cold.

“It’s not good for you Ana. You’ve gone too far. You don’t realize that you’re…” her voice trailed off, uncertain.

“Different,” the man beside her finished her sentence quietly, all the while staring at the floor, unable to make eye contact.

“No!” Ana screamed nearly hysterical, beating her hands against her chest, “I’m better now. It’s made me better! How do you not see that?!”

The medication had been in its human trial phase, developed by a swanky new pharmaceutical company based out of Austin. The building housing the company towered over its neighbors, its mirrored glass exterior extending up into the sky. Inside the furnishings were sleek and modern, minimalist, with neutral colors that created a sense of calm while tastefully flaunting wealth and sophistication. The woman who greeted Ana at the door of the reception area wore nude pumps and a tailored suit that showed just the right amount of cleavage. Her perfect features were highlighted by a million-dollar smile. She had grabbed Ana’s hands in her own, her lacquered nails painted blood red. 

“We’re so happy that you’re joining us today,” She had said, staring intently into Ana’s eyes before releasing her grip. She then guided her over to a sitting area that consisted of two backless all-white sofas and a large marble coffee table. 

“Can I get you water? Sparkling perhaps?”

Ana identified the woman’s accent as being Russian. Her voice was soft and velvety and filled her with a sudden feeling of inadequacy. She patted at the flyaway hairs escaping the ponytail she had haphazardly done before entering the building.

“Um, sure. That would be great,” she tried to sound confident, like someone who was used to being in a place as fancy as this. 

There had been armed guards at the first-floor entrance. Though they had said nothing to her, she had felt their eyes move with her as she made her way to the elevator where she pressed the button for the eighteenth floor, per the emailed instructions. She didn’t breathe again until the heavy elevator doors closed behind her. That brief encounter combined with the uncertainty of what was to come struck a cord, putting her anxiety into overdrive. But something about the woman in front of her soothed her. Each soft word that slipped past her tongue drew Ana in, relaxing her. She had a burning desire to make the woman like her. Her cheeks flushed.

The woman nodded, disappearing into another room before returning with a glass bottle and a wine glass with a lime wedge decorating the rim. She poured the water into the glass, handing it delicately to Ana before placing the perspiring bottle onto the table.

“Thank you for completing your pre-visit evaluation and consent ahead of time. I received them this morning and verified that everything was filled out accordingly. I’ll notify the doctor of your arrival.”

She turned away again and Ana couldn’t help but stare at the way the fabric of her suit clung in all the right places, outlining her slim figure. There was a time when being in the presence of a woman like this would have filled her with jealousy so great she would nearly be foaming at the mouth, her vision turning green. But now things were different. Instead, a slow burn ignited in her groin, sending its heat into the lower part of her belly. Her mind couldn’t help but conjure up an image of her taking off the suit and letting it fall to the floor. 

Ana turned her attention to the glass in her hand, the stem so thin she could shatter it with the slightest grip. She brought it to her chapped lips and drank greedily. 

Time stretched on as Ana waited for the echo of the woman’s heels to reverberate through the long hall she had disappeared down. She checked her phone for the seventh time in twenty minutes. 

She craned and stretched her neck, scratching absent-mindedly, leaving long red marks up and down the sides of her arms. The fear and anxiety at what was to come began to set in again. The twisted wires of her brain creating a storm of unpleasant images that threatened to make her sick. She was suddenly aware of the deafening silence in the room and began looking wildly around her. In the corner of the vast reception space was a rusted iron statue of a woman whose body was contorted into an unnatural pose with hips thrust forward and head bent back, her arms dangling limply behind her. Stomach acid forced itself into the back of Ana’s throat so violently she gagged to keep it down.

A sudden, feral desire to escape coursed through her veins. She jumped up from the couch, knocking the glass bottle over with her knee. The sound of shattering glass broke the suffocating silence and as if summoning the receptionist out of thin air, she reappeared.

“I’m sorry, I... I didn’t mean to..” Ana stammered, once again entranced by her presence.

“Don’t mind that. It’ll be taken care of. The doctor will see you now.”

The woman gripped Ana’s elbows lightly, guiding her as if she were a small child down the long hallway. Each wall contained a multitude of doors which could only be identified by the sleek handles that protruded outward as the doors’ facades blended perfectly with that of the walls’. They stopped in tandem at the final door at the end of the hall. The receptionist released Ana to place her palm upon a scanner which flashed a green light. She then pulled the door open exposing a windowless room that exhibited the same austere minimalism as the rest of the office, illuminated by a singular pendant light that hung down from the high ceiling. 

Behind a desk was a man who looked different from what Ana had been expecting. He was young, much younger than her. His skin looked to be made of plastic it was so perfectly still and tight. He didn’t wear a doctor’s coat but instead looked dapper in a light grey business suit paired with dress shoes so polished Ana believed she would see her reflection if she looked closely enough.

He clapped his hands in an enthusiastic greeting.

“Ana, we’re so happy you are joining us on this journey. I’m Dr. Leighton. Let’s get started right away.”

And with that, the drug trial began.

The medication was the first of its kind. They toted it as a wonder drug that was sure to cure her completely of both depression and anxiety. Unlike traditional SSRIs and SNRIs, this drug would not make more serotonin and dopamine available but rather block the neural pathways to the fear center of the brain, effectively shutting off negative emotions.

A nurse who was gowned in full PPE showed Ana how to draw up the medication from small dark brown vials. The room was ventilated. They practiced together several times until Ana was able to demonstrate the technique to the nurse’s satisfaction. She was to administer it intramuscularly twice a day, morning and night. The doctor glazed over the potential adverse reactions which included impulsivity and memory loss amongst other things, though he waved his hand absent-mindedly as he spoke as if dismissing the likelihood that these would occur.

Several hours had passed before Ana reemerged onto the palm tree lined boulevard, the first dose having been administered only moments prior, and already she felt swept up in a budding euphoria. The blistering heat of the unforgiving Texas sun typically made her skin crawl but instead, she stared up at the blinding star, a drunken smile stretched across her face. There had been thousands of applicants, they said, but she was one of the lucky ones.

After that, everything became shiny. The darkness that had cast its shadow upon her life lifted like a veil ascending into the heavens, and for the first time in her life, she felt safe and content. Thinking of the days that stretched out before her did not strike a primal fear into her gut but rather she embraced their possibilities like a warm hug.

She woke each morning greeted by sunlight that danced in waves across her bedroom floor, peaking in through lightly swaying blinds. Where before she would moan in disgust, rolling over and smashing the pillow down upon her head, she now eagerly jumped from the bed, tearing aside the covers, and rushed for the vials in the bathroom. With shaking hands, she drew up the liquid carefully before sticking the needle deep into her arm, pushing down on the syringe’s plunger. She would hold onto the sink and breathe heavily as the icy sensation that came with administration rushed through her. When the momentary discomfort passed she looked into the mirror through pinpoint-sized pupils and stared at the reflection before her. It had been two weeks and already she could not believe the extended effects the medication had on her appearance. Weight that before had stuck to her like tar came shedding off. Turning side to side she marveled at this new body.

In the kitchen, she opened cabinet after cabinet searching for a mug to pour her coffee into. She was unbothered to find that all the dishes she owned were caked with rotten food, stacked haphazardly in the sink. She took one from the top of the pile, not bothering to rinse its contents, before pouring the sweet-smelling contents of the pot into the mug. Ana set the steaming cup on the counter and forgot about it completely.

Instead, she sat herself crosslegged on the couch absent-mindedly pulling at her face and hair. Her body felt light as air and her mind was transported somewhere else, thinking thoughts that filled her with an unrelenting joy. She couldn't be bothered to bring herself to wonder when all these new items had appeared in her house or where they had come from. They were scattered haphazardly around the floor and covered the small desk crammed into the corner. 

Only a moment seemed to have passed yet suddenly the sky outside the window was dark, a crescent moon peaking through grey and purple clouds. Her jaw felt tight and painful as if she had been grinding her teeth and she tried desperately to recall the sweet dream she had just been having. She must've been daydreaming she mused, rubbing at her eyes. They were dry and burning as if she had been staring unblinkingly for some time. Suddenly it dawned on her that she was late for her second dose. She whipped her body around, gripping the back of the couch, and could just make out the illuminated numbers on the microwave through the dark room. It read just past 11 pm. 

Ana jumped over the back of her couch, a maneuver she would never have attempted before, and ran towards the stairs, running up them on her hands and knees like a wild animal. She crashed through the bathroom door, sending the knob straight through the drywall behind it. She didn’t mind. A manic laugh escaped her lips, one she did not recognize but hardly registered. In one swift motion, she drew up the medication and instead of pushing the syringe into her shoulder she dug the sharpened needle tip into the pulsating vein of her anterior elbow. The euphoria that accompanied it was so great that it nearly sent her flying backward. Her head began to spin and she let herself fall to her knees on the tile floor. The doctor was right, she thought. She was one of the lucky ones.

Finally, she was happy. 

Happy, happy, happy.

She awoke the next morning to a man lying beside her, tangled in her cotton sheets, soft breath escaping his open mouth. She studied his features and wondered who the man was and what he was doing in her bed. With a timid finger, she slowly pulled back the covers from his body to find him naked, the exposed skin a soft creamy white. Though she had sworn off men years earlier she felt no disgust at the actions that surely had taken place nor did she wonder much as to where he had come from. Her only concern at that moment was that it was time for her medicine and she didn’t want the man to know about it. He couldn’t know about it. What if he wanted to know what it was? What if he wanted to take some? Her stomach muscles tightened at the thought. She shook him awake. He turned over slowly, stretching, looking up expectedly into her face, and shrinking back when he saw the expression staring back at him.

“You need to go. Now.” She spit the words like venom. He didn’t need to be told twice. He gathered his scattered clothes off the floor in a rush as she stood silently in the middle of the room, arms hanging at her side with hands balled into fists. The crazed look in her eyes was so different from the dreamy one she had given throughout their night together. She looked possessed. He was out of the house and down the street before he even had time to fasten his belt. He found himself looking back over his shoulder to make sure she wasn’t following him. 

“Crazy bitch,” he muttered under his breath, taking out his phone to call an Uber.

The days continued on, marked only by vague periods of lucidity, otherwise, they were filled with what she began to think of as her other life. Her new life. It was the only place she wanted to go. Her thoughts transported her, and happy moments played out before her like scenes on a movie reel. At first, they had felt like daydreams but now seemed too real to be anything but. She didn’t consider it much. She was just thankful to be one of the lucky ones. She was happy, happy, happy. 

But now, cornered in her bedroom by the three people before her, a sudden unfamiliar dread began to set in. These ugly people with their angry, unreasonable words. They didn’t belong in her perfect new life. This isn’t what happy friends would do. 

“Listen to us, Ana! You’re addicted to this stuff! It’s really got you messed up!” The man who had been staring at the floor finally brought his head up to look into her eyes as he said it.

“We care about you, Ana. That’s why we’re here. We need to take you to a hospital,” the woman said.

All of a sudden the three began talking over each other in panicked voices, stepping towards her, all their hands reaching for her at once.

“You should never have trusted this, Ana!”

 “Did you even look into this company? You can’t find any information about them anywhere!”

 “Who are these people!” 

Ana stared at the woman’s face and had a vague inkling that this woman was her sister at one time. But she couldn’t be. She was just visiting with her sister earlier that day and she had beautiful hair and soft skin. She spoke kind words to Ana, telling her that she was smart and deserving. The woman before her was not acting like a sister. She was saying horrible things that were making her feel terrible. Putting her hands over her ears she closed her eyes and shook her head back and forth. 

The woman grabbed Ana's arms and attempted to pull them away from her face.

“Ana! Look at me!” she instructed but Ana thrashed around, pushing the woman away from her.

“That’s it!” The woman screamed, “Where is it!?”

Ana watched in suspended horror as the woman turned and ran towards the bathroom. She realized what she was doing as she began yanking open cabinets and pulling out their contents. 

Ana had never felt her body move so fast. The two men lunged at her, attempting to grab her, but her skeletal frame slipped past them easily. Her body collided with the woman trying to take her happiness from her and brought them both crashing to the floor. The scream of a wild woman erupted from her throat, low and guttural, as she grabbed the back of the woman's head. With fistfuls of hair wrapped between her fingers, she began banging the woman’s head into the tile with as much force as she could. With brute strength she turned the woman over, screaming at the top of her lungs, swinging her fists like hammers til she felt the bones in the woman’s face cave and give way.

Other screams were coming from behind her, shrieking and wailing. Large arms wrapped around her and she was violently pulled back from the unmoving body. And although she could register the chaos surrounding her she did not feel it at all. Her bloodshot eyes traveled to her hands and admired the viscous red blood that covered them. It was the same color as the receptionist’s nails. A smile grew steadily across her face as she continued to stare, waving her hands back and forth in front of her face.

Yes. Just like the receptionist.

And all he felt was happy, happy, happy.