Life Changing

And I cannot believe what I am seeing, since we think we will always have what we felt we earned with our actions, our words, and still, I cannot stand watching her leave.

Now that I recall, I can see her changing, that lovely stare, the way I was her everything, and turned to nothing but despise.

Was it as I overwhelmed with job stuff? Was it because playing my games distracted me so I would not drown myself in despair?

I was there for her, when no one wanted to, I was. How can someone change so sudden? Shall I really blame her? No, I should not. I should not because I just realized of her change of heart, just now I opened my eyes to her now that she is leaving.

Even the way she walks now as leaving my life is strange to me. She changed so much I cannot recognize her anymore, as everything we lived was just a dream. How can a dream become a nightmare too?

We used to laugh all the time, even after fighting for nonsense, we always laughed again. But not now, all that happiness became emptiness, her place at that little bed of ours feels way too cold now.

It’s funny, how the present became a story now. How her presence became a memory, her voice a long-forgotten song. Her scent faded years ago, but I still remember how her little perfume bottle looked, and how strong it was, how I sometimes even hated, and now I miss it.

She changed her name, her ways, her mind more than a couple of times. I can only see from afar now, but she keeps moving on.

Is not in a stalker way, mostly like a nostalgia thing, just a habit I can’t quit. Since I don’t smoke or do drink, do women or drugs, I think is like a vice. Maybe I should start smoking for a change. No, that doesn’t go with me.

If I was a witness of my own life, I could see her changing me too, turning me bit a bit something much alike her. And maybe that’s why she was fed with me, she was with her too, so funny.

Since she left, I’ve seen the twilight different, way darker. Only a couple of times it has shone for me. I wonder if it happens to her the same. What I’m saying, she changed her company too, her twilight, her entire days can’t be dark.

I can see she changed her way of smiling; I remember it brighter. Is not something I’d feel good for, since there must be some traces I left in her ways. Not as heavy as the ones she left on me, though. She introduced me to so much stuff I know in my life would interest me in the least. And still, I got to like it, everything.

Everything she left me; I like it. Well, everything except her absence. I wish I had her at my side to watch her favorite shows again, dance her music with her, share her crazy thoughts, that I hope she hadn’t changed.

But why do I look al of this as it happened yesterday? It’s been years! Complete years without exchanging a single word, and that’s the only thing I know it won’t change.

Metamorphosis, is what time do to us people? Not quite. It’s decisions. It was hers and mines that got us in different ways. That’s the real catalyst.

No, I can’t blame her, but I wanted too. Maybe I did sometimes. But not anymore. Suffering, pain, can be the best teacher, since you hardly would forget the lesson. Yeah, still we look to the other side, hopping this time we get a different outcome. But that’s just vanity. Ego. Dirty ego.

But what I think changed about her the most, was the people her light illuminates for. And maybe that’s why I can’t see that smile again. Maybe it still exists. For me, no more.

What she doesn’t change is her clothes, I can’t believe I see her in her pictures on that blouse and vest I seen her the last time with my own watery eyes. Is strangely a relief, it means she keeps being that simple girl I fell for? I don’t really know but is good to see.

Sadly, even when I can see that lovely stare, the time changed the person she looks at. She cried for me with those eyes, more times than I am proud to admit. But at least she can have that look in her eyes again.

I can’t believe I stayed all this time next to her, and she didn’t notice. She swore she could see ghosts. Maybe she doesn’t want to see me anymore. I think she didn’t know I left a couple of years ago.

I thought I would move one while I was alive. I really thought I did. But it seems we were strongly attached. Well, at least I was. Only I, it seems. Is not bad that she moved on that easily. Is just sad that the last thing she said to me was truth. I was nothing to her anymore.

And still here I am, as her guardian ghost, when I should be resting, or maybe even be reborn.

The only thing I would regret is not remembering her, and that’s what must be keeping me here. I’ve been avoiding reapers day by day. Can’t believe how lucky I’ve been to stay by her side.

How lucky is she! I even saved her from joining me a couple of times. She can be so distracted while walking. Why in the world did I? Well, is not like it would be a nice meeting first time leaving the world. I don’t know why I haven’t decayed in all these years. I known a lot of ghosts that became senseless beasts after just a month.

Can’t keep a long friendship in this changing afterlife.

But I think I’m just fooling around now.

All I can see is the one that changed everything, was me…

The world we wanted to create, I changed with my actions. No… with my procrastination, in every sense.

I destroyed it.

I don’t know why I am thinking about this, since I can’t even do a thing about it.

Maybe is time. Time to accept it. That everything changed.

Life changed.

For death.