Dear Diary 2019-2020

August 23, 2019

It's been some time for me since I had last gotten good sleep. Starting a new book- my old to join my collection building in the closet. This week wasn't so bad in the sense that I have gotten a promotion at work, more hours mean more money. Hopefully soon I would be able to get my own place. My partner and I have roommates who were fight all this week. They fought like cats, screeching loudly while breaking things. Usually when I have my partner next to me, I am able to sleep even if it was just for 3 hours. But I was always reminded me of my parents from my childhood. They were always fighting, rarely any good times to remember. It was always a battlefield. I barely slept then and so I don't now. 

August 31, 2019

This week was just awful. I was moved to a different store that was a complete shit show. I really mean it, everything was out of place and barely stocked with their right tags. I neglected my actual job to clean up the store, staying after or coming in early. Whatever I needed to do to get my store looking how I want it. It was starting to go well, on my 3rd day of doing this I got the hang of doing my job and the other managers' but then was snitched on. I was written up for working off the clock. I explained my reasoning but was met with 'it's not your job'. It made me feel like burning down the store. My job looks like I'm not doing it if no one else does their job- This is the topic of the week. I lay down to sleep and this is all I can think about. I stare at the roof, watching cars pass by just getting angry. I was hoping that the anger would work me up enough to make me sleep. But it doesn't. I can't help but feel frustrated with myself. Next week I start going to the doctor for this. My partner noticing how bad it was getting from the bag under my eyes. It hurts me to be like this around him. He tries so hard to make me sleep, sometimes I pretend it words so he could sleep.. He has such a harsh job, being pushed around for hours on end so we can barely pay our bills. Thankfully today is his birthday and we get to go visit his family to celebrate. I hope it is as nice as I hoped. The time is 3 am, I was suppose to wake him up right now so we can leave but he was trying to stay up with me again. They wont mind if we are late...

September 13, 2019

Nothing has changed these past 2 weeks. I would stay up to be thinking about work or my arguing roommates. The only different thing was going to the doctor, he suggested some medicine and then sent me to talk to a therapist. I was told I would have to work back up to the stronger medicines, wait a week and go back to see if there were any changes. Therapy was my partner's idea, saying that my PTSD was acting up most night to keep me up. I insisted that I was just having some sleep issues but the doctor also pushed for it. My first day consist of me signing papers, lots of papers. My second day is in 2 weeks. 

September 29, 2019

I have't realized that my anxiety spiked up. I knew when I looked at the calendar but dismissed it as 'paying rent anxiety'. My actual therapy appointment was okay, in the sense that I was explaining the things I felt with my partner by my side. Talked about the stresses in my life and major life changes. That was a harsh subject and was uncomfortable. Talking about it made my cigarette habit worse. Usually I would smoke maybe 2x a month, depending on my anxiety. Now it just about a pack since that day. It was something I wanted to forget. My mum died the 13th of October in 2017. These past two years I worked without rest to ignore the pain. But now that I have to talk about it- so much has been kicked up.. That was all I could think about, dream about. My family hated me for what I did. I never helped them, I pained them. I watched her die in my arms. The noisy hospital ringing in my ears along with chatting nurses. I didn't sleep in the hospital as well, the nurses were worried for me. Eventually had to hook myself up to an TV. I would sleep 15 minutes every 2 days. The rest I stared at her paralyzed form. Oh my god.. I can't do this. I can't ke

November 10, 2019

After my last entry I had a mental break down. Its hard to explain what I did without feeling stupid, embarrassed was more the word. I took all my sleeping medicine for the week at once, along with whatever I could find of other things. I remember being carried down the stairs and flashing lights, then I was in a mental health facility. Or what they call behavioral health. I stood there since then. I didn't talk to anyone and kept to myself until I was able to leave. They gave me strong medicines, or what was strong for me in that moment. When I left my anxieties were much high and my depression that I hid became more apparent. Making my medicine useless. I lost my job, my roommate kicked me out for 'endangering' her household. She threw my things away and tried to take my care. I was barely left with anything, my partner explained a week after my admission she decided to kick up out. It's not fair, isn't there a thing for this? 

November 25, 2019

I moved in with my sister, the only one who visited me. While my partner moved in with his mother. At first the nights were simple, 5 hours maybe, feeling so comforted to have at least 1 sister. But then it came, everything I didn't want to think about. All the pain. I lay at night, paralyzed from the fear. 

'mum died because of you' 'Do you really think I wanted to see her like that- a fucking tube down her throat!' 'Weren't you suppose to take care of her? How could you let her get this sick?'

I heard each one of my sisters yelling at me. I cried silently at night from how I remember them. They were pained so badly, I knew that. I just wanted them to be able to say goodbye. I would have wanted that. But I think I also wanted someone to follow and feel the pain I lived with for her 2 years of cancer and chemo. As much as I wanted to listen to her voice when she was home, all I could hear were the ones in the hospital. 

'I love you- I'm scared of dying.' 'Do you see the bugs?' "who are you?' 'I don't want to be alone.'

...

December 13, 2019

I have been told to exercise again, not like it helped before but I will try anything. I start slow with basic stretching before going to short Jogs. My weak lungs make me wheeze heavily if I move to much to soon. I was even told to do jumping jacks before bed, to help me sleep. If anything I feel like it made things worse for me. I feel worse, like a semi just plowed into me going 200 mph.  

December 31, 2019

My nights have been the same as they have been in November. The only difference is this month is.. I ran out of medicine. Since I moved into a whole new area my insurance is being stupid, horrible. I am scared to run out, what will I do. Along with my thoughts of my deceased mother are the thought of my future. I hope everything changes fast.. 

January 10, 2020

I forgotten to say I gotten a new job. It's the only one that would hire me, horrible hours though but at least its a bit of an income. Lately I have been trying to contact my father and other sisters. I just want to say 'hi' and know they are okay. I drank a bottle of vodka the other day and finally got some sleep, the only thing was I had night-terrors I couldn't wake up from about my sisters. I would see my mom and I would just start crying. I feel like I can't breathe most days because of these thoughts and dreams. I have went to the ER thinking I had-Pneumonia something, but my lungs came back clear. I just I now have a permanent wheeze. I didn't think I smoked that much.

January 23, 2020

The day is coming and I feel dead. My body aches and my eyes sting. Closing them helps but eventually I have to open them again. I have to move around for work and to exercise. My sister called me the other day which help me feel just a bit better. After the call though, I couldn't help but break down sobbing. I missed being together, making horribly funny jokes. Playing video games and comparing drawings. I miss doing face masks with my mom and doing her nails. Mom promised me she would love me always- but right now I feel like I am loveless. Yes I have a loving partner, working a rough graveyard shift. But these issues I have are making it hard to do anything. I'm not the bright young woman no more. I could barely do my make-up without crying. I see red lips and I think of my mom. I see myself and see her staring back at me.. 

I'm just so tired... 

February 14, 2020

Its been horrible. Today would have been my mother's rebirthday. Something the cancer unit would call the day you got cancer-free/transplant. I cried all day, I cried in front of my partner's family and that was hard. They don't like me too much, especially his mother. I slept in my car that night to be able to scream and cry as I laid in the back sleep. I regretted it since my body ached, but I'm use to that pain. It didn't help that a couple days ago My sisters got in contact of me. They talked as they did before anything, I feel like they pity me. I did tell them I tried to die- a feeling that hasn't left. I want to visit them. I have been trying to imaging that-visiting my sisters instead of thinking about my mum. But something would always throw me back in. Tonight's thing was... what was thrown away. My mother's belonging and my own. Sentimental things that were irreplaceable. The thoughts of those made it worse. I would have to leave to my car to cry. My older sister always felt bad, when I would talk about the things I had to do/did for mum she looked mortified. I could understand. I was 17 when she died and 15 when I started to care for her. I just want to speak this all out, but who do I talk to about this? 

February 28, 2020

People are getting sick, it makes me almost thankful my mum has died. I could barely keep that woman in the house, no virus would stop her... Finally I was able to get medicine but the people who are supplying it are stupid. They said my anxieties are NOT real and my depression is a lie. That I have nothing wrong with me. I'm faking for drugs. In that moment I wish I was, just so that I didn't feel like shit and go home to hurt myself. Tonight that is all I could think about. The under of my eyes are darken so much they became what looks to be a permanent bruise. There was much make-up I had to use to keep myself from looking like a zombie, but now it is becoming too bad. I had co-worker thinking I was being abused. Which is nice that they would act, but I was more being abused by my psychologist. Trying to brush me under the rug. I don't understand. 

March 13, 2020

Last night I thought about driving off the road. It was more of a I could do it then a kill me. My eyes have became painful to keep open at times. Now on my free time I have to keep my eyes closed. It's hard before I like to just stare at things. My sister has became worried for me but told her it was an experiment. I didn't want to lose her. I actually feel comfortable somewhere..

March 18, 2020

I was in the hospital all night, not a real one. The one my mom was in. If I closed my eyes I see it. I feel like I'm going insane. The machine breathing for her is loud, the monitors were constantly beeping, the oxygen being forced down her throat.. I felt like I was sitting in front of her bed again, staring at her monitor and face, looking for any type of change. A nurse would come in to check her stats, temp, and give me a forced smile. I would be on my 8th cup of black coffee before the morning even starts. Then I would open my eyes to be back in the apartment. It seems like just closing my eyes helps, maybe counts as rest. But it's hard to really tell. Coffee and energy drink is all I drink to keep me functional during the day. It's my water. 

March 23, 2020

I took my make-up off in front of my doctor, exposing the dark bags under my eyes. He was so shocked he literally jumped up and examined my face. My numb body just followed his moments. I didn't really understand what he said but I had another appointment in two days. Let's see how that goes. I just feel like a Zombie. I could barely think and function. I am exhausted but if/when I sleep I am held in night-terrors. Which is as restless and not sleeping. If anything maybe making me have a heart attack.

March 26, 2020

The appointment was a sleep study. I never had one so I was quiet nervous. I was placed in a room and was told to sleep. They had a night vision camera to monitor me and had me hooked up to machines to check my heart and oxygen levels. That night I didn't sleep, it wasn't at all a hospital setting so it wasn't that. I just couldn't sleep. My anxiety would shoot up randomly when I thought about mum. I tossed and turn, making sure to keep my eyes close. At once point I just got up and walked in circles for a while hoping to exhaust myself a little before trying to sleep again. In the morning I was basically told I needed to relax when I tried to sleep. He didn't comment on me getting up but my anxiety. I was given another list of sleeping and anxiety pills to take. Hope they work. 

March 30, 2020

Turns out it a liquid. It makes me feel high, I start to fall asleep then it wears off instantly. It almost makes me want to scream and cry in frustration. Actually I did cry, I felt like I was promised the world then given a tic-tac. I don't want to go through this anymore. I just want my mother, I want to sleep in her bed as she shows me memes and her favorite cat picture. I want to see her smile and welcome me home. I want her to just hold me, play with my hair like she use too. I just want to feel her warmth around me. 

April 2, 2020

My partner bought me a drawing tablet to help occupy me. It was something I use to do. Draw, dance, play the violin. I can't find the energy in me to do that anymore. But I said I would always try whatever my partner would like to try. He is special to me, I can't let him feel useless. Let see if this helps. I haven't been back to the doctors. I notice every time I go, I have a panic attack and I daydream about my mom and her chemo days. As bad as this seems I decided to take my anxiety medicine and drink. It's a bad idea yes, huge yes. But I noticed it give me 4 hours of dreamless sleep. I rather have that then feeling like I never sleep. I'm sure this will be back to bite me..