Dear diary

03/09/2002

Dear diary,

What a journey.

I moved into the study hall less than 24 hours ago and I am already missing home. Can you believe it? I know I can. Where is the self-assured girl that submitted the application nine months ago? London feels oceans apart from home. Sure, it's a two-hour flight, but I left all my life behind. I'm not so sure I made the right call anymore. Is it too late to go back and change? Probably yes. I called my mum to receive some comfort. The only thing she had to say was, "Typical Beatrice, always doubting herself after jumping straight into a situation." She's not wrong, I know that, but would it be too much to ask of her to understand me for once?

Anyway, not everything sucks here. I met some of the other people on my floor. There are other Italians too. We're going out later tonight. Maybe a couple of drinks will remind me why I wanted to study in London in the first place. I also got into my first fight. Crazy, I know. Two seconds in and I already have an enemy.

Okay, enemy is a big word.

We fought over who should have the drawer closer to the fridge. I explained very kindly that it would make more sense for me to have it since I also have the top shelf in the fridge, but the guy simply laughed in my face. I think his name was Luke, or Louis. I don't remember. I was too focused not to throw one of the Tupperware at him after he called me a control freak.

Me.

A control freak?

Okay, maybe I am. But he had no right to laugh in my face, did he?

If he comes out with us tonight, I'll avoid him.

15/05/2002

12:04 pm

Dear diary,

First year is officially over. I can't believe it! I submitted my last assignment today. It seems like yesterday I was fighting Liam over a drawer, and now he's one of my favourite people. We're all going to a karaoke bar in Soho tonight to celebrate the end of the semester. I am so excited. I am glad we decided to go there. (Okay yes, I was the one begging everyone to go there, but I am sure they’ll love it..)

03:15 am

Liam kissed me.

Liam.

Kissed.

Me.

One second we were all together, walking toward Bond Street, the next it was just the two of us and he was telling me how he had wanted to kiss me since the first week we met.

Oh, I am so over the moon. I have never felt like this for anyone before. I think he might be the one. Is it too soon to say it? My dad always told me that when you know, you know. And I know. But I don't want to scare him off.

We agreed on talking more tomorrow. I am tempted to knock on his door right now, just blurt out how much I love him or something. When Dante wrote "the love that moves the sun and the stars," he knew what he was doing. He might be my Dante.

Screw decency, I'll go knock on his door.

28/07/2005

Dear diary,

Was it all worth it?

Graduation was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. Instead, I am hiding in my room. I don't want to see him. Ever. I know he will knock on my door soon enough, apologise, making more excuses. Well, he can rot in hell.

He broke up with me. On my graduation day. Who does that?

He is moving to New York. Apparently he accepted a job in an important American firm or something, I am not sure. I stopped listening after he started blabbering about the importance of putting our careers first. All these months we were together, not once did he mention moving away from London. He never even mentioned considering applying to jobs outside England.

I am furious, I am. But most of all I have a sense of void that is threatening to eat me alive. He screwed all our plans for a future we were supposed to build together.

It took me months to find the perfect restaurant. I still have the toy keys in my pocket. I was so convinced he wouldn’t think twice about moving in together. At least he paid the check. Not that either of us touched any food. In one hour Liam managed to waste money, an excellent meal and three years of my life.

30/07/2005

Dear diary,

His flight is in two weeks. My friends keep knocking on my door, even my parents came to visit me so I am not alone. Everyone keeps telling me it's his loss but it is hard to believe. He has a new exciting job and a plan for a future that doesn’t include me. Me? I am still at the damn restaurant. Sure, my body is physically decaying on this bed, but my heart is still there. Shattered in a million pieces on the floor. Every time I close my eyes I hear his voice and I am back there..

He apologised, many times. He is sorry I was hurt, but he didn’t mention anything about the whole "sneaking behind my back and stabbing me" part. I blocked him everywhere. Last thing I need is to see his new happy shiny life.

Will I ever stop loving him? Except for this one painful thing, I am the person I am because of how well he loved me. One day I hope I will be able to look back at our memories without hating even the idea of him. But today is not that day.

20/12/2012

Dear diary,

Do ghosts exist?

’m not sure ghosts exist, but I saw one today. While I was on the train, I bumped into a stranger—those damn new shoes make it hard to walk. When I looked up, he was right in front of me. Liam. He’s slightly taller and broader now. He has a beard and lets his hair grow longer, but other than that, he looks the same. Same bright smile, same kind eyes. He recognised me too—immediately. We talked a little. He moved back to London two weeks ago and works in Canada Water, not far from where I live. We spoke for the whole train journey. Before getting off, he asked for my number—for old times’ sake. I wanted to say no. I really did. Liam is a chapter that took me two years to close, and I have no intention of reopening it. But he is Liam. And giving him my number doesn’t mean committing to anything more. Right? Anyway, if history is anything to go by, he probably won’t even use it.

25/12/2012

Dear diary,

He called.

I almost jumped when I saw the name on the screen. Had to invent some excuse about work calling me so my family wouldn’t ask questions. The dumb smile on my face probably gave my lie away, but for once they were kind enough not to go all Italian on me and didn’t ask questions. I’ll tell my parents eventually. I bet they would love to see him again. They loved Liam while we were together and are still Facebook friends with him after so many years.

Anyway, he called. At first, he just wished me Merry Christmas, asking me how the exhibition was going, but then he started to mumble before turning completely silent. It took him so long to talk again that I almost closed the call.

He asked me out. Tomorrow night, at a pub close to his job place. I should have said no. I know I should have said no. But he is still Liam. My Liam. He is a big-shot lawyer and his voice still trembled like a nervous teenage boy when he asked me. One date. That’s all. Nothing to be worried about.

15/01/2015

07:35 am

Dear Diary,

First entry in the new home. This 2015 could not have started better. The new house is perfect. I can’t believe ten years later, we are finally moving in together. The 21-year-old me would be on cloud nine. Tonight he is taking me out to celebrate. I wanted to choose the restaurant but he insisted it had to be a surprise. Yesterday night he kept telling me how much time we had wasted because of his choices. I really wish he would stop beating himself up over it. These three years have been the happiest of my life, but no matter how much I tell him, a part of him still feels guilty. Unless he plans on abandoning me again, there is nothing he could do that would make me love him less. If I have to spend the rest of my life proving it to him, so be it.

02:15 am

He proposed. He proposed. He proposed.

My heart could burst at any moment. Can someone die of too much happiness? Liam took me to the same restaurant where we broke up. Nothing really changed around there. Same tables, same menu, same us. I didn’t even know the place was still there. I have purposely avoided walking past it for ten years. He had all planned it for months. He dropped one knee and told me how leaving me was the biggest regret of his life, and that there wasn’t a second that went by where he didn’t wish he could take it all back. By this point I was already a sobbing mess, but then he kept saying how that ring was proof that he wanted a lifetime with me. I said yes, of course I said yes. He has felt like home since the first time he kissed me. My dad was right all along, when you know, you know.

17/01/2015

...

23/04/2015

Dear diary,

I thought about burning everything. Every letter, every diary I have ever written, every photo of us together. Yesterday I stared at the fire for so long my eyes still feel sore. I want to watch it all burn. Forget about all the moments we have shared together. It seems like yesterday since I last saw him, and yet it’s been three months already. I haven’t left my home since. I can’t. Time stopped. I am still waiting for him to return from work, swirl me in the air and tell me how much he has missed me. My brain just can’t process the idea that I will never hear his voice again. I have seen the casket, I have been to the funeral. And yet for a blissful second in the morning I forget all about it and think he is right next to me. It is funny, isn’t it? I cannot stop thinking about him, and yet I wish I could forget he even existed.

I cannot stop being mad. Mad at him, for dying. Mad at myself, because I should have let our story die ten years ago. It should have stayed buried, and now it might bury me instead. It is cruel, too cruel, to make me have a taste of what could have been and then rip it out of my bleeding hands. My friends keep calling, my relatives keep bringing food. Tons and tons of food. I don’t want to see them. The very idea that they get to keep going with their lives while he can’t makes me hate them. I wish his ghost didn’t haunt me. I wish I could unrecall how I almost had all I ever wanted.

12/12/2015

Dear diary,

It’s been almost a year. I wish I could say the pain got better, but every day I wake up and I am in a new hell. Every time he double crosses my mind I am crushed by a grief as vivid now as it was when I received the call. I am not angry though, I can't afford that. I realised his memories are all I have left. Today I went to see the baby. Our baby. She is beautiful, and so painfully similar to her dad. My parents are doing a great job with her, she looks happy with them. They keep insisting that she deserves to be with her mum, that I should make more of an effort to bond with her. But how can I take care of her when every time I look at Willow all I can see is what Liam is missing? She will never know her dad, never know how he laughed or how his eyes wrinkled when he smiled. Sometimes I lay in bed and can’t stop thinking she would be better off without me anyway. I would have been a good mother, I know I would. But my desire to be a mother is yet another thing that died on the 17th of January.

03/03/2018

Dear diary,

I don’t write as much as before. Lately it seems I have barely time for anything but to take a shower. Willow is turning 3 today—hopefully the terrible twos are over. She is such a force of nature. She is already learning how to read. Granted, she can only say a couple of words, but it’s still more than I could say at her age. She climbs everywhere though. That girl makes me worry sick. Every time I find her trying to climb a different piece of furniture in the house. Who knows, maybe one day she will climb Everest.

Tomorrow we will move into the new house. It is finally ready. I will miss this place, this house has seen so much of my life, but it has too much grief impregnating the walls. And I don't need the house to remind me of my Liam, not when Willow is a mini him. She has the same contagious laugh. I can hardly believe there was a time where I couldn't look at her, when now the sight of her brings me so much joy.

19/08/2025

Dear diary,

Theo is moving in today. It is the right time. We have been dating for three years now, and Willow is crazy about him. We talked about marriage again. As always, he has been so understanding and is okay with a small ceremony. I don’t want a big wedding. I don’t think I can stand the idea of getting something I had always imagined with another man. I do love Theo. It took me so much to realise that loving him was not betraying Liam’s memory. I am sure he would have wanted me to find love again. To be happy. I still miss him. Every day. But I believe in second chances. And I do believe I deserve one. I took off Liam’s ring today, placed it in a box in my drawer. I don’t want to hide it somewhere—that ring represents a part of my life I loved so deeply it takes very little to make it bleed again. But I am ready to move on and I can't do it wearing another man’s ring.

08/09/2045

Dear diary,

Willow got married today. It is still hard to believe, but my babies are not so little anymore. Eleonor is starting university in a week, Manny is moving out, and Willow is someone’s wife. Where did time go? Theo kept making jokes about how now we can finally take a well-deserved holiday with only the two of us, but he cried more than me as he walked Willow down the aisle. Next week we are going to see Liam together. A little day trip, only Willow and me. She wants to leave her bouquet on his grave. I tried my best not to cry when she told me, but I clearly did a poor job since she had to reapply my makeup all over again. Wherever Liam is, I just know he is so proud of her. She grew up to be as kind and as bright as he was. And a hell of a lawyer too. Funnily enough, her husband is a curator like me. I like to think he is Liam’s gift for her, a man that can love her as much as he loved me.

17/01/2087

Dear diary,

I am not sure how much I will be able to write—lately, every small effort makes me tired. I know my time is close. Everyone’s time ends at some point. I am glad mine lasted this long. All that will be left of me will be my diaries. I kept them all. One day my children will read them, and if they do, I hope they can feel the love that I have felt while writing them. I have been loved and I loved so fiercely it almost broke me, but I have also lived life at its fullest. I have cried so many tears, laughed until I couldn't breathe anymore, and had the chance to have not one but two greatest loves. I know my family will be heartbroken to see me go, but I have no regrets. There is not a single moment I would change, because all I have lived brought me to them. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I want to believe my Liam is waiting for me. When the time is right, Theo will join us too. I have a feeling they would like each other.

Death feels so definitive, but it’s nothing more than a see you later. My only wish is for the people I have loved to know that I would choose them all the time, in this and any other lifetime.