Dear Owen,

Trigger Warning - Violence, Language, and Suicide

Dear Owen

As I stand here now, I wonder if this is the right thing to do.

You see, I’ve tried everything. Nothing can help me with the pain that I have been suffering ever since last month. I've felt hopeless, like there is a big empty hole in me, that can never be filled. I’ve started sleeping more, eating less, worrying about everything at once but yet, nothing. I lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks, causing my body to give out at any random time.

Damn, it’s cold here. I’m not used to the weather being freezing in the middle of August, not in Rhode Island. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a jacket, why didn’t I bring a jacket?! I swear I can feel the tears starting to freeze on my face.

I didn’t mean to, you know. I really did not mean to. Mother, she forced me to. I didn’t want to, but she had my daughter, my life, my secrets. She was there the whole time. I don’t know if you saw her, for she was hiding, watching me. Afterward, a maid walked in on us talking, and Mother burst into tears. Making a whole act for herself and making her seem innocent in this whole tragedy.

The maid, I think her name was Molly, figured out what had happened and ran to tell the police when Mother caught her. Then, just like she did me, she blackmailed her, said that if she told anyone this, she would murder her newborn baby. Terrifying, right? Anyway, I never saw Molly again after that. I think that she quit, something I’m sure everyone in this family would want to do.

Mother always hated you, you know. Every night as we were having our ‘tea time’, it was really just her complaining, “Oh, your brother is such a dick.” “My god, he truly is a disgrace to this family.” “I truly wish that he was a still birth, leaving you to be an only child.” I just sat there agreeing, worried what she would pull next if I tried to argue with her. I’m so sorry, I let the public think that I hated you as much as her. I never hated you, Owen. I loved you so much that I would give my heart to you if you needed it. That’s why it made it so much harder to kill you.

I’m sure that you want to know why she made me do it. It was because she knew. She knew what you figured out last year. If you had said anything, everything would go downhill, fast. All of her hard work would be gone, the truth about Father would be revealed, and we would lose everything. But, you must understand, I had to. If I didn’t, the tape would be leaked, my sweet Emily would be killed, and my whole reputation of being a Blake would be ruined. I had to, I had to, I had to, I had to, I had to, I had to, right? The more I say it, the less it makes sense in my brain…

Why did I pull the fucking trigger?!

I didn’t have to, for god's sake, I could have just left, gotten you out of there, off the grid, safe. But no. My fears crept in more and more. I didn’t know anymore. I shut down. Blacked out, and woke up when I heard the gunshot.

I'm so sorry, Owen. I'm so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I just needed to protect my family. That's no excuse, I know, but maybe it's enough to convince you.

This needs to end, I’m so done with being perfect. Being the Elodie Blake, millionaire, mother, wife, and CEO of The Cormorant Royale. Why can’t I be Elodie, citizen of the US, mother, and just a woman who wants to live her life without expectations? But let’s be real here, that will never happen. I will always be Elodie Blake, millionaire, mother, wife, and CEO of The Cormorant Royale. I can’t take it anymore, I need this all to end. I try to convince myself that the reasoning is valid, that I did what I had to do to save myself and family, but even my convincing isn’t convincing enough.

That's why I'm here, waiting for the right moment. Wondering if I should jump or not. On one hand, it would end all of this suffering that I've endured. But on the other hand, the pain that I will be causing my family, my daughter and husband, I don't know if I can put them through that.

No.

I have to jump. I have to get myself out of this loop that I've been stuck in for ages now. I have to save the last part of myself that I have left.

I can feel the cool breeze against my used to be warm skin as it slowly eats away. My knees, I swear they are about to give out at any moment.

I’ve written both Emily and her Father a letter with explanations to everything, and let’s just say Mother will have a little surprise coming her way soon. I hope she looks good in bright orange.

The waves of Crimson Cliff stop all my thoughts, bringing back old ones. This is where we became so close. I still remember you falling and scraping your knee on the rocks. You wailed and wailed, and me being an 8-year-old little girl didn’t really know how to handle it. So I just held you until you were calm. You know, it isn’t that cold outside once you think of the positive. I start to think of more and more and as the memories flood my mind again, I feel something, something new that I have never truly felt before.

Peace.

For the first time, I hear nothing. I can feel me. Elodie. Nothing else. Just Elodie. All the thoughts have stopped. My used to be weak knees feel strong. I feel ready.

I'm sorry, Owen. I never meant to hurt you. I hope that in the end, as a brother, you can forgive me.

I'll see you soon, and I love you, no matter what anyone says. I've always loved you.

Love,

Elodie