The Funeral

Yesterday you went to a funeral. The death was inevitable. In hindsight, it should of been expected. The departed will not be missed.

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Sometimes being a Christian can lull you into a false sense of security. It's a mindset that some people adopt that states only bad things happen to the unsaved. That's not true, but in superficial Christian world that seems to be the prevalent thought.

You grew up in a house where being a Christian was mandatory. There was no discussion or choice. You sat in the uncomfortable wooden pews on Sunday mornings and observed the superficial masks of smiling faces. Masks that concealed a veneer of self-righteousness and hearts that were a little hardened. You sat and asked yourself if you really belonged because you didn't fit the criteria. You recognized yourself as an incredibly flawed person. You are flawed. No one else in the church is flawed. It's just you. You were told that Jesus died for your sins but you really didn’t understand or know why. In superficial Christianity you don't ask.

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When James Newman with his beautiful brown eyes and caressing smooth voice kissed you at the Christmas party you literally melted. You both were nervous on your first date. He wanted to go further. You were apprehensive and scared. You were afraid he would stop seeing you and so you relented. When he dropped you off in your driveway and leaned in for a kiss, you turned your head. Fumbling for the doorknob to the car, you stumbled outside on the pavement and scrambled to the door. You remembered how shame cloaked you as you came in the door. You turned on the shower thinking that the water would perform some sort of baptism. The steady stream of water weighed heavily on your scalp. The guilt weighed heavily on your mind.

Then it happened two more times. Once in your pristine bedroom with its blush colored canopied lace bed, where you told yourself afterwards, no more. When it happened again at his house in his sterile nautical themed bedroom, you lied and told yourself that it was okay. People in love expressed themselves this way.

The funny thing about having sex is that you weren't sure you enjoyed it. The first time was awkward and uncomfortable. The guilt was there like a persistent guest that refused to leave. The other two times you felt absolutely nothing. You felt no joy or pleasure. It felt like death. Your mom told you that sex outside of marriage was wrong. She never said why and you never asked her. You don't ask why in superficial Christian world.

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When you missed your period, you didn't panic until three months had passed. You prayed to God while sorting through the brands of pregnancy tests on aisle twelve at Walgreens. You prayed again, hoping that you weren't pregnant while waiting for the results of the test under the disapproving glare of the harsh lights in your bathroom. Your heart lurching, as the minutes crawled by.

The moment arrived and you reluctantly peeked at the stick trying to prepare yourself for the outcome. Fear came and shook you into reality when you stared at the dark pink double lines. Your life fell into pieces like shards of glass in that one moment. The floodgate of tears began pouring down, drenching your puffy cheeks.

Your mind raced as the different scenarios played out and the myriad of reactions stormed your brain. Your parents would tell you what a disappointment you are to them. Your so called friends would gossip behind your back, while gloating about how stupid you were. You thought about the superficial Christians who would commence with the spiritual assassination. The woman with the prominent position at church would cut you with a remark about your sin while hiding behind a facade of righteousness.

As you were taking all of this in, in that one moment you decided to ask questions. You started at the top with the one who has all the answers. You started with God. You asked God what your parents failed to tell you. The pink and gold Bible, that laid by your night stand covered with dust, called your name to answer your questions. It was presented to you when you were in the fourth grade and like the other Bibles in the house, it was never opened.

You asked God why did Jesus die for our sins? Sitting on your bed with the Bible laid on your lap, He directed you to 2 Corinthians 5:21.

It states, "For our sake he made him to be sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

You read this verse and allowed it to resonate with you.

You were led to another verse from the book of Titus 3:5 and it says,

"He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit."

You sat still for a moment. Your eyes were closed, your mind and heart were opened. The guilt that had made its home in your mind slowly left. As the tears gently rolled down your face, you allowed these verses to pierce your soul. You began to understand that Jesus took on your sins, including having sex without being married. He was blameless, he was without sin, he was perfect and he willingly took on our mess ups so that we would be blameless.

When you let that marinate in your mind, it blew up everything you were taught. You began to understand that yes, we are to follow God's commandments, but when we mess up, we aren't going to be thrown away. He won't abandon us the way others will. Everyday gives us a chance to make things right with God.

People might ridicule you and whisper behind your back. There will be disapproving looks and your parents will be embarrassed, but the one who matters most will have your back no matter what. You decided it was time to have a funeral. You decided to bury your sins and your superficial faith. Then, you decided to embrace true faith.

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The humming of the engine on the running car snaps you back into the present. You turn to your mother, observing the tight hold her fingers have on the steering wheel. You announce to her that you've decided to keep the baby, and try to conceal the smile that begins to spread across your lips, as the car pulls out of the parking lot of the abortion clinic.